Becoming Taken in Hand (Part 2)

Relinquishing Control

 Becoming Taken in Hand Pt. 2 

On one of the A Domestic Discipline Society discussion groups, this thread was started and has become one of the more popular threads on that ADDS group. I have slightly changed the names, but the content of each post is just as written. I did move some of the posts so this Article could be presented conversationally in two parts for continuity. This is part two.

Click here >>>  Start by reading Becoming Taken in Hand Part 1

One of the questions I am often asked is, "How do I get my partner to understand that I NEED this lifestyle?" People who don't understand this lifestyle would think it's probably a man trying to talk their female partner into this. Wrong! First of all DD at it's core is not gender specific. And, it has almost always been the submissive partner in the relationship coming forward and researching this lifestyle then trying to get their Dominant partner interested. Once interested though, there are challenges for the submissive partner to then overcome. One of those challenges can be that the TiH partner has fallen into a role that they don't want, but find hard to transition from.

     On one of the A Domestic Discipline Society discussion groups, this thread was started and has become one of the more popular threads on that ADDS group. I have slightly changed the names, but the content of each post is just as written. I did move some of the posts so this Article could be presented conversationally in two parts for continuity. This is part two.

blinks: My thoughts are...women who are innately submissive feel the most balanced when things are controlled and safe. If no one else is taking control we step up and take it, sometimes without realizing what is happening. It becomes a part of us, we feel that we have to be in charge to stave off chaos, and we are the only ones who can be trusted to keep things moving smoothly. We resent those who passively allow it, who don't seem to care that it isn't in our nature and that it is slowly eating away at us, they are oblivious to how miserable our own behavior makes us.
It's a giant struggle, not just in a relationship, but within ourselves. Why wouldn't we lash out in frustration? Why wouldn't we play 'the king of bunkers hill', just waiting for someone to knock us down a bit and take charge? Of course we aren't going to admit that without a struggle.
I don't think that it is a weakness to submit, i think it is being able to recognize that you have been forcing yourself to act out of character. It is having the strength and the bravery to step down and trust that someone else will step up.
@Candice It sounds to me like you have recognized your nature, admitted to yourself what you need, and are working with your husband on being sure that he wont let things fall apart. Possibly the hardest step is trusting that you wont lose yourself in the transfer of control. It's scary stuff, but in my experience it isn't about losing yourself, it's about having the freedom to BE yourself. I think it is absolutely beautiful. Bravery, strength, freedom, trust, working together to create peace.
How can you be less of a woman when you are simply being true to yourself?


Candice: @blink....Thank you. I think that is the most insightful bit of advice that anyone has ever given me. I felt as though I were the only control freak here and you really lifted the veil. I wondered how this type of lifestyle would ever truly work for someone like me but I see that it should work beautifully



tudor princess: @blinks. i am stealing your answer. brilliant. it says what i have thought so many times!!! if you want it done right, do it yourself??? NO. i want it done right! lol


spankedbyhim4real: @blinks It is amazing how you took my thoughts and put them into words! I am a controlling person when necessary but I really want someone strong willed enough to keep my strong will in balance.


blinks: Thank you Candice, tudor princess, and spankedbyhim4real. Isn't it amazing when you lay out your heart and find out that your hearts desires and fears have doppelgangers all over ADDS? This is an amazing support group! I love the ability to find people who have been where i am going, and others who are approaching what i've finally managed to learn.


His rainbow: @blinks I think you have been peeking into my life. Yes,it's great to start giving up control, but very scary at times too.But i know it's what is right for me and will continue to battle my personal fears/demons.


Curious angel: Thank you! @blinks your statement:

If no one else is taking control we step up and take it, sometimes without realizing what is happening. It becomes a part of us, we feel that we have to be in charge to stave off chaos, and we are the only ones who can be trusted to keep things moving smoothly. We resent those who passively allow it, who don't seem to care that it isn't in our nature and that it is slowly eating away at us, they are oblivious to how miserable our own behavior makes us.

I could not have described myself better. This was a realization I came to as I made my decision to divorce... After 21 years together and me being in control, not because I wanted to be but rather because someone had to be, I realized how miserable I was because of this.