HoH Leadership: No Consequences for the HOH Question is Answered

A common question that  some people have about Domestic Discipline is, why doesn't the HOH suffer any kind of consequences for their own mistakes?  It might seem unfair to newer submissives learning how to  become Taken in Hand. This seems like an odd dichotomy though since usually a TiH style submissive is instinctively attracted to the Domestic Discipline lifestyle and feel deeply that their role in this lifestyle is what they have always needed.

It's true that in a traditional Domestic Discipline relationship, the HoH is not subject to a similar set of rules like their submissive partner. Leadership is a different role within the relationship and it's is judged by different criteria. As leaders, HoHs have different responsibilities and have to constantly make difficult decisions, even if the results are not what they had originally hoped. Not only do they lead, but they protect and guide the household in a patient caring manner. And if a similar set of rules were attempted to be imposed on a HoH style Dominant, it simply wouldn't work for them and it would definitely drive a wedge in the relationship. It's like when someone knows in their heart they are TiH, and are being made to lead and be in control of a relationship when they inherently do not feel like it's who they truly are as a person.  Dominant personalities and more submissive personalities can be very different in how they're motivated or generally operate. That doesn't mean that the differences aren't exactly what each of us can rely on from the other and what drew us to one another in the first place.

The HOH may have to carry out Disciplinary Actions for similar behavior that in the past they might have been guilty of to some degree also. But remember, it's not the HoHs behavior that is in question. I hope it's becoming more clear why the original Sit Down Discussions are formed around the TiH List. And from the TiH List, many of what will become the HoH Rules are patiently formed. It's all part of the patient methodology of beginning or revitalizing and growing in a DD lifestyle relationship dynamic.

Personally I feel  absolutely awful when I make a mistake. Especially if it effects my friends or loved ones. But I know I will quickly recover and be ready for the next challenge no matter what that might be. An HoH has to be ready to lead at all times not matter what the situation. It's the HoHs accepted responsibility. It's one part of what makes them"tick".


When a mistake inevitably happens, there is no safety net for an HoH unless they have a wonderful compassionate and forgiving partner in life. Part of the ebb and flow of a successful relationship of any kind is compassion, empathy and forgiveness. I have said it many times... a Head of Household Dominant and a Taken in Hand submissive are two sides of the same coin. They need to have each others back at all times in order to remain whole. They are uniquely different, yet they are one. 
There of course will be times when one partner will need to be there for the other, but  in very different ways and from completely different roles and perspectives.  

The HoHs role as the leader of the relationship and household means that they have to make decisions and altruistically act for the  greater good of everyone involved. The decisions made are for the relationship as a whole and the benefit of the entire household. Part of leadership is understanding and prioritizing what is most important for the relationship at any given moment. A HoH needs to be able to see the big picture and look to the future while guiding the household forward. And on many occasions that means being very unselfish. Making the right decision can mean they need to forgo something they have been wanting to achieve or obtain for a long time. They would then need to reset that goal and work toward retaining it at a later date. But, if it were something that needed to be done for their loved ones, that's what needs to happen. Period.
Depending on the relationship dynamic there is usually some discussion and then after careful consideration, if a decision wasn't completely agreed upon as a couple, then the final decision is the HoHs to make. Having the continued confidence while making those type of decisions without the love and trust of their partner would be very difficult. Being able to make the right call time after time in those situations takes the trust of their TiH partner. 

When a TiH needs to be disciplined, among other things, they need aftercare, compassion and forgiveness afterward. In return when a HoH makes a mistake they need continued trust and support from their TiH partner. Just as the HoH should not be over-controlling and looking for any reason just to "spank", the TiH should not be looking for a mistake and then not be supportive afterward or want to have their loved one endure some kind of consequence. Being vindictive or unsporting is opposite of either persons role in the relationship and counter productive to the household. In the future that will only erode the foundation of their roles in the relationship and it will hurt them both and the entire framework of the household. That would be highly counter productive. This is an example of an area where the balance between the HoH and TiH partners needs to be clearly defined and carefully navigated in the beginning, and revisited in discussion as the relationship grows. If roles become unclear, the HoH needs to reset the the basics quickly and redefine their HoH Rules. A good leader knows when to pause, regroup and reset. A newer HoH should reevaluate at least once a month anyway, and an experienced HoH reevaluates no more then every 6 months. We clear the cache and history on our computers all the time and we defragment our computer about once a month to keep everything working smoothly. If a HoHs leadership role has become unclear or undefined, then it's probably because they haven't "cleared the cache, history and defragmeted" their DD dynamic within the relationship!   

Leadership is the flip side of submission. Being the HoH is facilitated by the TiHs submission, and it has its own set of responsibilities and rewards, just as submission has for the TiH. Leadership and submission are loving roles that a HoH and a TiH live out willingly on a day to day basis. They are different but equal roles. If a HoH and TiH are not willing to accept these differing roles and prefer to conduct their relationship in a purely conflict based way, they will eventually end up trapped in a conflict based relationship. And no one wants that. That is why we have turned to the lifestyle choice of Domestic Discipline. 
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Related Reading:
Domestic Discipline: Experienced HoHs Perspective on Core Values & Home
HoHs are Dominant vs Domineering: Characteristics of a Head Of Household (HoH)
Where to Start or Revitalize your DD lifestyle dynamic: The Free DD Lifestyle Guide
Beginning DD (Collection of Articles)
KEYS to DD (Series)