What is Domestic Discipline? ~ A Domestic Discipline Society

What is Domestic Discipline? That could depend on who is answering the question. One of the beautiful aspects of a Domestic Discipline Lifestyle, is that it is open to interpretation. What works best for one person or a couple, does not necessarily work for everyone. There are many "This is DD" articles posted out there. If you read within those articles that DD is ONLY for a specific group or excludes others that don't agree with their interpretation, then you're probably reading about just one variation of Domestic Discipline as a lifestyle.
For example: married/dating couples, christian based, straight, Male led only, aliens from Zandar, people under 3 feet tall.... I think you get where I'm going with this! Reading about one variation of DD is fine if you completely agree 100% with it. Sadly though, you might be missing out on some great information from other people who live their variation of the DD lifestyle slightly different. The most basic premise and practices are similar for people living a DD lifestyle dynamic. Consent, Communication and Consistency make up the common denominators that consist of The DD Foundation. How those living a DD lifestyle then build their DD Home on the DD Foundation determines their unique variation. 

I would first like to share a Domestic Discipline Description that has been around for many years. It was specifically written so as not to be defined by gender, religion, sexual preference, or relationship style.
Here is the Domestic Discipline description I wrote for an A Domestic Discipline Society discussion group and was re-edited in 2006. It can also be found included as part of the first post of this ADDS site.
A Domestic Discipline Society (Overview & Links)

ADDS Domestic Discipline Description:
 (Short version / Originally Published 2006) 

Domestic Discipline is a consensual relationship lifestyle choice. 
Domestic Discipline is the consensual practice of a subtle Dominant and submissive type of lifestyle, with the emphasis on the relationship first. Then and only then, are spanking as disciplinary actions or any type of punitive ideas discussed. The Dominant partner is known as the Head of Household (HOH). The submissive partner is Taken in Hand (TIH). When implemented ideally, DD is the caring, consensual, consistently fair use of structure, accountability and discipline as a positive way to enhance communication, deepen intimacy and reinforce relationship commitment. The discipline normally includes one of many styles of  disciplinary actions or measures, but first centers around rules of behavior asked for by one partner and agreed to by the other.

The degree of power given to the HOH varies. Some couples may choose to have only a few agreed upon rules with set consequences, while others choose for the HOH to have a more encompassing leadership role.
The most important detail to note is that there is no one set way to live the lifestyle and each couple modifies it meet their needs. Furthermore, the lifestyle is always entered upon with a consensual agreement between the partners. Couples outline the specific terms they have agreed upon so that there is no confusion.

Spanking styles include- OTK, Erotic, Sensual, Maintenance, Reminder, Therapeutic, Cathartic, Playful, and varying degrees of  Disciplinary Action & Punishment spankings to name only a few.

Some Common Implements- HAND, smaller OTK style paddles & more conventional paddles of all styles, Hairbrush, Wooden Spoon to name a few of the most common. Depending on the couple implements may also include Leather straps, Belt, Cane... or anything the couple decides to bring into their lifestyle.

Other disciplinary actions might include, corner time, time-out, sent to room, revocation of privileges, writing lines etc... Again, it depends on each specific couple/household.

There is also a long article on a site called Seekers. The site seems to be not focused mainly, or very much at all, about DD. But this one article in particular gives a very wide and highly varying look at 14 different questions. "What is Domestic Discipline" ideas are mixed in and out along with many other ideas about general D/s and other lifestyle ideas and practices. It can be a little confusing though. It looks like one person is asking a question, and then it has several peoples varying ideas about the question.
 I agree with some of it, I can't say I personally agree with a lot of it, but it was an interesting read to say the least. And that's one of the things we do here, present interesting information to read and discuss that has something to do with the DD dynamic in all of it's forms! As usual here on ADDS, it is presented in it's original context, with no edits. I did make the "questions" bold so it was easier to read and follow along, but that's it. Yes it's a long article, so get yourself something to drink and relax, strap in here we go:

What is Domestic Discipline?

"Domestic discipline (DD) is the institution of rules and penalties - usually taking the form of corporal punishment - imposed on either or both partners (spouse or "significant other") as a corrective measure for specific transgressions. It serves to promote and preserve a stable and harmonious home environment, proving the means to both address contentious issues and to express displeasure related to a spouse's behavior - all in a safe and controlled manner." "An agreement between two individuals, who are both consenting adults, in which one will corporally punish the other for unacceptable behavior and/or mistakes. There is generally a parent/child dynamic to the relationship but the role-playing of that scenario is not part of the relationship."
"To me, domestic discipline is a way of getting life and ourselves back in harmony with the other. Many of us, men and women alike, have things about ourselves we don't like and want to change. Domestic discipline helps each of us to change these things or point out what we do need to change in a loving, trusting environment. We both feel that this is the way we have been biologically wired to feel about this situation and that it is not something new to the world. Prior to the sixties, this was a fairly common way of life. Once this changed, the divorce rate rose dramatically, no one knew who they were or were supposed to be and the world changed. In cultures where this is still common practice, the divorce rate is easily 20 times less than it is here in the United States.
2. How Does Domestic Discipline differ from Dominance/submission or Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism?
"As a general rule, DD is intended to punish and correct unacceptable behavior; any erotic aspect is typically unintended and coincidental (and undesirable, for some). Conversely, BDSM is typically identifiable by its manifestly erotic character; though some aspect of genuine 'punishment' may be identifiable, BDSM-oriented activities are more often intended primarily to titillate, arouse, and generally to stimulate - with clear sexual overtones."
"DD differs from BDSM in that BDSM is generally done for the enjoyment of the participants. In DD the punishment isn't necessarily enjoyable to the bottom, though it can be. The premise is that the bottom is acknowledging that he/she needs to be disciplined by another. The premise of BDSM is for both players to have fun and enjoy the play."
"The term BDSM encompasses the full spectrum of three elements: bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism. Those who practice BDSM choose which of these elements to include in their own play. Many include all three, and others are interested in only one aspect. There's a lot of freedom within the category. Some practitioners of Domestic Discipline also engage in some aspect of BDSM, but others do not."
"In my opinion, D/s or BDSM are sexually related situations. BDSM or D/s is done mainly for both partners to experience a deeper level of sexual trust and feeling. domestic discipline is done more as a means of love and correction instead of ending in sexual gratification. This is not to say that DD doesn't improve your sex life; it can do that. But the sexual side of life is not the main focus of DD. The main focus is on helping each other to be all they can be."
"In my opinion, in DD, there should be no bondage, no sadism …."
3. In Domestic Discipline, does one partner always give the discipline and the other always receives the discipline?
"I don't think so. In many relationships this is the case, that one gives and one always receives, but this is not to say that it cannot be both ways. I feel that each couple has to work that out for themselves in the way that works best for them."
"Not always. The exact nature of domestic discipline arrangements varies widely among couples. Some have a strictly male-dominant (or female-dominant) character, while others may call for punishment to be administered to whichever partner is deemed to be 'guilty' in any given instance. Most often, such an arrangement excludes third-party disciplinarians; both the husband and wife met out  punishment to each other as circumstances dictate."
"I know of couples who go the 'other way" [female disciplines male], but I am not sure I have come across anyone who practices DD both ways at once. It would be hard to keep up a 'dominant' atmosphere in the face of someone who could be spanking you tomorrow!"
"Not always. One can have a relationship in which if one partner screws up, the other will administer discipline."
4. Is there a difference between discipline and punishment and, if so, what is it?
"Discipline is a way of living and behaving. Punishment is the consequence of failing to do it in an expected way."
"Opinions on this vary widely; some use the terms interchangeable, while other draw clear distinctions between the two. One might define 'discipline' as the set of rules established to govern behavior, correct misbehavior and set-down penalties for transgressions, while 'punishment' is precisely that: the actual penalty assessed for misbehavior. For most, the differences seem mostly a matter of philosophy and of semantics; the 'disciplinary' action assessed is usually a 'punishment' - whether its purpose is corrective or punitive."
"Discipline is defined as 'training that corrects the moral character' while punishment is defined as 'a penalty inflicted on an offender' by Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary. Using those definitions, I'd define discipline as something one submits to and punishment as something that is inflicted on one. Discipline is a top sitting in a chair, ordering the bottom to get a hair brush, bare their ass and get over the top's knee. Punishment is grabbing the bottom by the scruff of the neck, pulling them over the knee, disrobing them and applying the spanking." - EWolfsbane
5. How should I approach a "vanilla" partner regarding incorporating domestic discipline into our relationship?
"This is perhaps the most universally troubling decision facing potential adherents of DD. Advice abounds - much of it contradictory. Ultimately, everyone seeking such an arrangement must decide for himself/herself which approach might prove appropriate based primarily on what is desired and on the partner's disposition and receptiveness. Here, honestly is usually the best policy (you're going to have to be frank about matters eventually, anyway.) Though not all inclusive, it'll provide considerable food for thought. You know your partner better than anyone who might offer well-meaning advice. Your judgment is about to be put to several tests, so give the matter due consideration."
"Very carefully! I would suggest first opening up the idea in a sexual, playful way and experiment with it in that form first. Gradually try to work into it by asking questions, subscribing to mailing lists and newsgroups and see if that leads to any discussions. Never expect the vanilla partner will immediately jump at the chance and go for it! Take it slow and easy and expect him or her to not want to. Let them think on it for awhile and react to it before you move on to more. After all, you have had time to sort your feelings out about it, maybe a month, six months, a year. Doesn't your partner deserve the same amount of time?"
6. Is spanking the only type of discipline used in DD?
"No. Some of the other things used are: corner time, loss of computer time, being sent to bed early, writing, extra chores,.
"Not at all. Most couples work out a plan that suits their particular needs. Many who institute spanking as a means of maintaining discipline also employ various implements such as paddles, rulers, wooden spoons, hairbrushes, canes, belts, and the life - sometimes to distinguish between degrees of offenses. Still others may make use of non-corporal punishments such as 'corner time', suspension of privileges, the assignment of onerous work, personal servitude, bestowing offended party with a gift, forfeiture of personal money, etc. - though corporal punishment of some sort seems the most universally applied."
"No. I'd include all the traditional methods of punishment and discipline: paddlings, strappings, canings and birchings all have their place. A top can have a hierarchy of instruments which are used, depending on the severity of the bottom's misdeeds. Talking back might earn one a spanking while blowing a week's pay on lottery tickets might earn a caning."
7. What are "safe words" and should we use them?
"A safe word is an 'out of the context of the scene' word that tops or temporarily stops the scene. Friends of mine use a medical safe word and a regular safe word. The medical safe word stops the scene cold and lets the top know that additional steps need to be taken, namely unrestraining the bottom and looking for possible damage. The regular lets the top know that the bottom has had too much and that the top has to slow down or stop the scene. In DD, one could disguise a regular  safe word as the bottom stating he/she is 'ready to apologize' for the misdeed that he/she committed in order to stop the punishment. I won't interact with anyone without a safe word until I am absolutely sure of the person's sanity and skill level. Generally, daily playing with that person for about a year or its equivalent."
"A 'safe word' is a pre-arranged code word employed by the person being punished to alter or terminate a punishment session, usually to prevent genuine harm (as opposed to a mere sore bottom). Their use is usually predicated either on the belief that all such activities must be consensual, or on a similarly-held view that the person being punished must retain both the ability and the permission to alert the disciplinarian to the existence of unforeseen distress - thereby effecting an end to the session. Some argue, however, that 'consent' was given upon agreeing to enter into a DD arrangement in the first place, and that effective punishment cannot be left to the discretion of the malfeasant on any level. Most note that punishment is intended to be unpleasant (and indeed must be, to achieve the desired effect) and that any untoward attempt to lessen this feature will likewise reduce its beneficial effect. Still, it seems prudent to allow for the discontinuance of genuinely harmful activity - as opposed to simply avoiding further momentary discomfort being felt (which is the reason the spanking is being administered to begin with.) As with all aspects of a DD arrangement, this is a matter for each couple to decide."
"No - they should not be necessary."
"We both feel that it is very important to have safe words in place and to use them if need be. They should only be used for real emergencies, though, not just because comfort levels are being exceeded. For instance, to go to the bathroom, a medical emergency (real medical reasons that your partner may not be aware of), or any unexpected emergency. In other words, it has to be a really good reason for it, not just 'I don't want to' or 'it hurts too much' "
"My system here is that I will always, always stop for a safe word. Then I get to evaluate the reason, or I would, except that this has not yet happened. If there is a valid reason, then there is no problem. If I feel that it ha been used frivolously, however, the spanking will start again FROM THE BEGINNING! That seems fair, and it works for us."
8. How should we differentiate between erotic spanking and spanking for discipline? Don't they overlap?
"For us, there are various differences which help to make it obvious. In an erotic spanking, it's usually done for stupid reasons, first off. For instance, it could be anything from 'because it is raining' to 'you are breathing too loud.' In other words, very stupid reasons. They also tend to be more drawn out, more playful, more touching, feeling, sexual play, etc. For the disciplinary spankings, it is for actual reasons predetermined by us. They are harder, quicker, more controlling and are not playful in any way. With the differences in feelings and general atmosphere between the two, we don't usually have a problem with them overlapping."
"An erotic spanking is more of a BDSM thing rather than a DD thing."
"Here again opinions vary widely. Some argue that anything (spanking) indulged in as an erotic activity couldn't possibly be used in a disciplinary setting. Many have found, however, that the two flavors may be kept separate by significantly altering the setting and tempo (e.g. tone of voice, severity, absence of 'working up to' a strong intensity, avoidance of fondling, etc.) of a session. Certainly some do encounter such an 'overlap', finding an erotic element to having one's bare bottom turned over the spouse's knee (or vice versa) regardless of the intended disciplinary nature of the session. Some have found a subsequent sexual interlude acceptable - so long as the session itself is not disrupted prior to its completion - serving to bring a closure of sorts to the episode."
9. What are some suggestions for pre- and post-discipline session times?
"Generally, the adoption of a stern, matter-of-fact countenance (accompanied by scolding, for some) makes for a good beginning. There are couples who consider the buildup essential, heightening the anxiety of the owner of the soon-to-be-reddened buttocks; some favor a deliberate delay of up to several hours in administering a prescribed spanking precisely to increase the malfeasant's dread. Afterward, a related activity - corner time, for example - might be employed to reinforce the experience (or merely to add to embarrassment). Some prefer to immediately begin the healing process, applying cold compresses or lotion to the sore bottom, cuddling, etc. - reinforcing the message that the episode has ended, the penalty has been paid, all is forgiven, and it's time to put the matter behind you and move on."
"For us, the only rule we have is one that applies no matter how severe the session is. After the spanking, we have a time where we hug each other no matter what, and reassure each other that we love each other and are loved. It works great for us!"
"Pre-discipline: Dressing in proper discipline uniform (plain skirt, white starched shirt and tie). Standing at attention in front of disciplinarian for a very long and thorough lecture. Preparation and concentration time in the corner - at least 30 minutes. Post-discipline: Calm down time in the corner - at least one hour. Apology/thanking to the disciplinarian. Apology acceptance and hugs/kisses."
"This I see as essential. I love my wife deeply and really do not want to hurt her at all. spanking for us was always a game, until recently. If I have to give a punishment spanking, it obviously has to be somewhat extra to a play session, so we often end up pushing my comfort levels as well as hers! This hugfest afterwards helps me feel better about what I have done, and it reassures my wife that she is forgiven, and that I still love her. As an aside, since starting this 'experiment' about six weeks ago, I love my wife more than ever before. We feel so much closer in every way, and our sex life has improved beyond recognition!"
10. What are some common rules used in a domestic discipline relationship? (e.g., what type of behavior warrants discipline and what types of discipline are used?)
"Behavior that warrants discipline: overspending, bad language, not showing respect, slopping dressing habits, etc. Types of discipline: spankings, strappings, canings, mouth washings, standing at attention, punishments tasks, groundings, discipline uniforms, etc."

"I believe the bottom has the right to know what they're being punished for. They also have the right to explain themselves before they are punished. The punishment should also fit the crime. A hundred strokes with a cane might be excessive for being late."
"A lot of our rules were set by my wife herself. We talked at great length about where we were going with this, and then she drew up a form of contract, which lists our rights and responsibilities under the agreement. I do not feel that it is appropriate for me to unilaterally impose rules on her; we are partners after all. If she comes up with it, then I can incorporate it into our system knowing that there is no resentment building, and that she accepts my punishment."
"Usually specific rules are developed because they address issues likely to cause discord. Each couple must reach agreement regarding what is (and what isn't) 'fair game'. Discuss likes and dislikes, pet peeves, etc. Some include the completion of routine household tasks, cleaning up after oneself, financial and household budget concerns, personal affronts, personal fitness/improvement programs, late arrival, use of unacceptable language, etc. It is probably advisable to guard against going overboard with the establishment of rules - especially at first. Many DD arrangements become burdensome and unwieldy as a result of trying to address every contingency with a set rule. Be reasonable in your expectations; you can always add to the list of taboos later."
11. Can I be a feminist and still practice domestic discipline?
"YES! YES!! YES!!! Definitely!!! If you think back to the original feminist movement, the whole basis of it was for women to have their choice of how they wished to live their lifestyle. By choosing domestic discipline, you are more of a feminist than those who profess loudly and demandingly that they are. Why? Because you are CHOOSING to live this kind of lifestyle and you are deciding what is right for you! Those who dare to do what feels right for them are the real feminists, not the ones who conform to what society thinks is right for them."
"Sure. Why not? though some embrace the concept of the 'submissive wife', it isn't a universally held view among DD adherents. A DD arrangement of any sort is intended to preserve domestic harmony - not to serve as a commentary on the woman's role in the modern world. Besides … don't forget that some couples balance the scales by making both parties subject to the rules - and the penalties. Isn't that the epitome of equality? It's helpful to bear in mind, also, that DD arrangements specifically designating the husband as the 'head of the household' usually also clearly define the wife's role - and she's more often than not vested with certain powers and authority that would tend to belie her role to the uninformed observer."
12. Why use domestic discipline at all? Whatever happened to the idea of asking and receiving forgiveness?
"Sometimes, simple forgiveness isn't enough. Perhaps one party feels particularly wronged, or one might be hauling around a load of guilt over something that was done. DD provides an avenue to address such matters, express dissatisfaction in a relatively harmless manner (reddened bottom notwithstanding), seek an outlet for remorse, and disarm a potentially damaging situation. Moreover, its intent is to correct faults, unacceptable behavior, and harmful patterns - which is not likely to be accomplished via simple forgiveness."
"Because it is so thrilling.
"This is just another method of asking and granting forgiveness. It clears the air, and makes us both feel better about having dealt with the problem instead of just pushing it under the carpet and ignoring it. They don't often go away when you do that! By going willingly (if not joyfully!) across my knee, my wife is asking for forgiveness. By dealing with the offense in an appropriate manner, and then hugging afterwards, I am demonstrating my forgiveness."
13. Is this desire for domestic discipline normal, or does it come from a warped psyche?
"There's no such thing as normal"
"Certainly many long-time devotees of this lifestyle have questioned their own 'normalcy' at one time or another. Still others remain obsessively discreet to avoid embarrassment. That you might be drawn to DD (or even BDSM, for that matter), however, does not in and of itself suggest that there's anything 'wrong' with you. DD was practiced for untold generations - and was in fact the 'norm' for quite some time. Only in recent decades has society moved away from it. Indeed, the apparent trend toward returning to such arrangements suggests a return to 'normal' - not a move away from it." 
  "Who knows? Maybe a bit of both. Personally, I would say that DD is more normal and the non-DD world is the one with the warped psyche. Why? Look at history alone. Men have always been the hunters, the protectors, the lords of the manor, the king of the castle so to say. Now, they are none of that. Women were always the child rearers, the gatherers, the ones at home taking care of the castle, the ones who supported the husbands emotionally in the ways that worked best and the husbands had the right to discipline them. For hundreds of years the divorce rates were very, very low. Now, the sixties changed all that to where no ones knows who they are supposed to be or what they are supposed to do and no one is happy anymore. The divorce rate has tripled, there are more cases of depression now than ever before and no one is truly happy. We are now going against nature and our own biological wiring. So where is the warped psyche? I feel the desire is perfectly normal for some and is nothing that we should have to feel afraid of exposing. It is not for everyone, no, but then again, even 100 years ago, not everyone did it either."
14. I've heard that domestic discipline helps "unburden one's conscious" and provides "emotional relief". How is that accomplished?
"Many report a sense of relief over having 'paid for' a transgression, much like a penance. Some who feel genuine guilt over having upset their partners feel better knowing that they've provided said partner with the chance to 'get even' or 'vent'. There seems to follow a DD session an atmosphere of having put right a situation created by the malfeasant's misbehavior - and the psyche is salved by having restored a sense of balance to the home. Some even subject themselves to their spouses; punishing hands as a surrogate - having their partners spank them for wrongs committed against others - finding in such manner the needed absolution, having paid in some way for their wrongdoing (it's not really practical to offer one's bottom to the checkout clerk at the grocery store for having been short-tempered, now, is it?). For some that tend to dissolve their stomach linings from the inside out as a result of wrangling with guilt and remorse, it's the perfect compromise."
"I see this as accomplished through the punishment and not being stuck wondering if you did something your partner didn't like. You will be punished if you do screw up … and if it is consistent and you are not punished, then you didn't screw up and there is no reason to dwell on something forever. There is emotional relief and the unburdening of one's conscious before it has time to build and become a problem. For someone who tends to dwell on every little thing, it really does free you mind, let you relax and just enjoy life to its fullest."
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I wrote to an email address that accompanied the article, but it was no longer active.
It kind of looks like one person was asking a question and they, along others, answered it. The writer is anonymous and didn't share who was answering the questions, but it made for an interesting read and brought up several topics to discuss. This might even become an interesting ADDS series of articles in the future. Answering most or all of the questions posed seems like fun endeavor!
Do you have an answer to one of these questions?
Or the overlying question of:
                                             
~ ~ ~ What is Domestic Discipline?




Related Link: Defining Domestic Discipline: The Domestic Discipline Lifestyle Definition