Taken in Hand View of Head of Household Role - One TiHs View of HoH Role

This was shared on the Loving Domestic Discipline (LDD) discussion group I've been moderating for the past four years. And it's been shared and posted a couple times online. It has been posted mainly "as is" and I felt it was interesting and it would be a useful tool to break down and study.

One TiHs View of HoHs Role.

Before continuing: Take some simple notes on each of the following 16 points.
 Below is the essay by Anonymous 

In regards to the Man keeping the reins nice and tight at home..
1. Put an end to bickering. Just as an officer doesn't bicker with a subordinate, a parent doesn't bicker with a child, and a boss doesn't bicker with his secretary, you should not bicker with your wife. She needs to be allowed to voice her opinions, and depending upon the issue, she should still have an equal voice in decisions. But bickering is the petty argument or recrimination, the sarcasm, biting remarks, conflict without substance. ("If you had come when I TOLD you to, then this would never have happened" "Oh, yeah right, THAT's going to work") This is precisely when you need to say, "Enough. One more word and I get the hairbrush." She will honestly be relieved. She's not stupid - she knows the argument isn't accomplishing anything. She will be glad you stopped it. Instead of thinking "What an idiot he is," she'll be thinking "What a strong sexy guy–even if he is an idiot."
2. Develop a sense of when you should cut off further discussion. This is related to the no bickering policy. At some point matters have been discussed enough. You are not making progress, and things are beginning to deteriorate. That's when it's okay to say, "No more. We can talk about this later." Or, when appropriate, "I've already made up my mind." Again, she might think "What an insufferable toad." But she was thinking that anyway. At least this way she's thinking you're a strong, sexy, insufferable toad.
3. Learn how to use your authority in public. This is not easy because you must also be very careful not to humiliate or demean her in public. This is particularly important if she is a professional woman whose career might be harmed. But she should still respect you and have a sense of your authority no matter what the situation. Subtle signals between the two of you can be very powerful in a public setting. A raised eyebrow, a gentle squeeze, a pointed finger, even a code word can send the message that although she might feel safe at the moment, she is still under your jurisdiction. If nothing else is working, don't be afraid to physically remove her from the situation. Simply say to the others, "My wife and I are going to step outside for a moment. We'll be right back." Then, take her by the arm, lead her outside, and calmly read her the riot act. The fairly trivial embarrassment she might feel at having a discussion outside is far outweighed by the long term benefit to you both of her understanding that you are still in charge and not afraid to do whatever is necessary.
4. Learn how to manage the genuine all-out knock-down, drag out fight. Face it, married people fight sometimes. No matter how much she adores you there are times when she will quite simply be enraged, and a simple "Stop it or I'll get the hairbrush," isn't going to work. Recognize that this is normal, and it doesn't mean you're a failure, or that she will never again recognize your authority. It does mean that you may need a cooling off period. My husband tends to withdraw under these circumstances, and appear an hour later with the hairbrush in hand. After my backside is burning, and my ears are ready to listen, then we finish the discussion in a much more calm, sensible manner. In this situation I am always relieved when he does re-establish authority because deep down during a fight I have a panicked feeling that everything is out of control, everything is ruined, and we will never be happy again. By spanking me, and then having a calm discussion he lets me know that he won't let me ruin our relationship. He loves me too much to let me push him away. It makes me feel very secure.
5. Limit physical aggression to her bottom. Her fantasy of the strong, stern authoritative man is one who will use physical force to spank her bottom. But you must never, ever, under any circumstances whatsoever, hit her anywhere else (with the possible exception of the back of the upper thigh.) This means never slap her, punch her, kick her, pull her hair, throw things at her, or use physical violence of any sort. In order to respect your authority she needs to feel that you have self-control, and that she can trust you absolutely.
No matter how angry my husband might be, if he tells me to come to him I can do so without fear. I might fear for my bottom, but I know that he will never strike me anywhere else, and that he would never do me lasting harm. This also means, unfair as it may seem, that even if she slaps you, or throws something at you, you should never reciprocate. You have more physical strength, and you have the authority to put her over your knee. That means you don't need to brawl.
6. Lead by example. If you tell your wife that you will not tolerate cursing, and that she will be spanked for this, then you need to control your own cursing. If you tell her you will spank her for leaving her clothes on the floor, then be sure to pick up your own clothes. A double standard will seem unfair, and it will also make her feel as if you are just grasping for rules without really caring about them. Sometimes there will be exceptions: Just like a child will say to a parent "How come you get ice-cream before dinner and I don't?" your wife may on occasion have a similar issue. "Hey, you swore. I heard you swear. Why is it you can swear but I get spanked?" If it is relatively rare, it is perfectly acceptable in this situation to say, "Because I said so. I'm the guy with the paddle, and you're the girl with the bottom. Do I need to demonstrate?"
7. Be willing to say "Because I said so." There are times when your wife will want to argue and you will feel your authority eroding away. Be willing to say, "Look, I've made my decision. You agreed to accept my authority, and I intend to hold you to it. I'm not a perfect guy, and this isn't a perfect world. Get over it!" She will probably be thinking, "big dumb bully, doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground." But that's better than having her think "Gee–he used to be in charge, but now everything has fallen apart. He just wasn't up to it."
8. Don't delay discipline any longer than is absolutely necessary. If you think she should be spanked for a sarcastic remark, it is infinitely more effective if you take her by the arm, and lead her to the bathroom, the bedroom, the garage, and administer the swats right then. When you wait, she feels like she's not important enough to be worked into the schedule. Also, delay dilutes the emotional impact of discipline. You may find that you are not as annoyed, and she may not be as defiant. Maybe in the intervening time she has had a hard day, or done something particularly sweet that makes it seem not right to spank her somehow. This is why it's best to deal with these things as soon as you possibly can. Also, if you have a habit of waiting until bedtime, then she might well be too tired to really benefit, and she might also get the message that you really intend this as sexual foreplay, rather than real discipline. Sometimes, what is most effective for me is if my husband gives me a few good swats right at the moment, and then another, longer harder spanking at bedtime.
9. Let her cry. Sometimes for a woman, crying during or after a spanking is very powerful emotionally. She's letting down barriers. It doesn't mean anything is wrong. It doesn't mean you're a terrible bad man and you've injured her. At the same time, you shouldn't try to get her to cry from the pain of the spanking itself. A lot of women have an enormous amount of control, and can bear excruciating pain without tears. So don't judge the harshness of the spanking by tears alone. I never used to cry, but now I find that I cry pretty easily. For me personally, to climb on my husband's lap after a hard spanking, and cuddle against his chest, weeping softly as he rocks me and strokes my hair, has an intense emotional impact unlike any other.
10. Be prepared to be tested. Sometimes men are confused when a woman asks them to set limits, and then the woman ignores those limits. Understand, she is not looking for a set of rules because she's too stupid to know what should and shouldn't be done. She's not wanting to be the meek little wife. She's wanting to feel your authority. She wants to push against a wall and feel its rock-solid strength. She wants to know that you really truly mean what you say, and you're prepared to back it up. And sometimes, to be perfectly honest, she wants you to toss her over your knee and spank her hard. When you understand this, then you won't be surprised when she misbehaves. It is important that you be firm when she tests you. Don't think that this means things aren't working. This is perfectly normal.
11. Be prepared to change tactics when spanking really isn't working. Sometimes, no matter how often you spank her for a particular behavior, she'll keep doing it. That's when you need to re-evaluate, and figure out what's going on. Is she doing the behavior because she needs to be spanked? Is it just too hard for her to change? If it is a behavior you seriously want ended, and spanking isn't working, then I would suggest you have a serious talk with her. Say, "I've spanked you for this repeatedly, and I'm not seeing any change. Why is that?" Then, tell her you are going to give her one last spanking for this, and it's going to be a hard one. But if the behavior occurs again, then you will be forced to use a non-spanking sanction. For example, if the behavior is staying on the computer too long, you might be forced to disconnect the modem. If she knows that is the next step, then in all likelihood she will make the change you need. Plus, she probably will feel bad for pushing you so far.
12. Learn how to set effective rules. Sometimes when man learns that his wife wants him to exercise authority over her, they both try to come up with a set of rules. This tends to result in rules that feel artificial or more annoying than beneficial. Don't feel as if you need a list of rules right away. When you do make a rule, make it something you really care about, and are prepared to enforce. A good rule of thumb is that if it is something you have asked her to do, or not to do three times, then it's an appropriate subject for a rule. Some rules my husband has for me are:
I'm not allowed to leave my things on his desk. I'm not allowed to set things, especially drinks, on his car. I'm not allowed to use his nice books as a coaster. I need to be in bed within about ten minutes of when he turns in. These are things he cares about. If I break one of these rules I can expect a pretty hard spanking as a result.
If you make rules that you don't really care about, or just for the sake of having some rules, then your wife will feel as if you are condescending to her. You are pretending to take charge just to make her happy, but it isn't real. I think it's much better to have fewer rules, but very genuine ones, than to have a whole list of stuff nobody really cares about.
13. Don't confuse simple spanking with bondage or s/m. You and/or your wife might actually be very turned on by the idea of tying her down, and forcing her to say thank you, or to ask for the swats, or whatever. There's nothing wrong with that. But don't get the idea that just because your wife has let you know she wants to be spanked sometimes, this means she wants all these other things. For me, and I think for many women, they just like the emotional security of the simple over the knee spanking, the kind where they can say, "No please, stop," and the husband proceeds to spank them anyway. The other stuff is more for kinky sex...fine in its place, but not the same thing.
14. Don't forget spanking basics. When you spank, don't forget that a bottom that hasn't been spanked in several days will be far more tender and bruise more easily than one that has received regular attention. She will be able to endure a much longer, harder spanking if you start out slow, preferably with your hand. Changing implements from say, a belt, to a brush, and back to the hand will help her to tolerate a more severe spanking. Take a break if need be, and send her to the corner for a few minutes before going on. Try to spank both sides of her bottom equally. Avoid hitting the fragile tail bone with anything hard like a wooden brush. The very lowest part of her bottom and upper thighs are highly sensitive, and should only be spanked in extreme circumstances.
15. Don't forget the "Lecture." She needs to hear why she's being spanked. If its just because you feel like it, that's okay, but say so. If it's because she made sarcastic remarks at dinner, then don't forget to tell her that. She wants to feel contrite and humble, but she can't unless she knows what to be contrite about. She also wants to feel that you are emotionally there with her. She needs to hear you talk about why you are angry, or disappointed. The lecture combined with the spanking gives her the emotional catharsis she needs. One without the other is like pancakes without the syrup, or biscuits without the butter.
16. Use Maintenance Spankings if need be. Often we see posts from husbands and wives who say, "we want Domestic Discipline." She wants to feel his authority. She wants that strong dominant man who will take charge, and throw her over his lap on occasion. But the trouble is, she's such a perfect angel that for the life of them they can't come up with any good excuse. Well, this has never been a problem in my house. My husband could come up with good solid reasons to blister me silly twenty times a day if he were up to it. But for those of you with well-behaved wives, you might consider having a regular time when you give her a spanking "just because." This keeps her bottom in reasonable condition for when and if a punishment spanking is in order, and it meets her need to feel your dominance.
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Before continuing: 
Review your Notes. Fill in any partial ideas by  reviewing any of the 16 Points above.



I wanted to publish the above essay just as it was written. I don't agree with all of it, and that's part of what I like. I find different views of the roles of a HoH interesting from varying positions. And A Domestic Discipline Society is well known for presenting interesting thoughts and opinions from all different points of view.
At the time this is being published here on ADDS, the writer is anonymous.What seems clear from the above writer is it is written by a TiH who is female and at the time they wrote this, they were in the process of learning. The writer seems to have begun to figure out what she likes and what works for her. Sometimes, when someone learning begins having their first "Get it" or "Light bulb" moments, they think what works for them works for everyone. That's natural.


In an effort to support your research, when you're reading the "Focus" break-down below, refer to your notes. Do you see things in a similar way or differently? When you're done reading the break down and how the above essay is seen through an experienced HoHs eyes, re-read the 16 points above.
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#1 "What an idiot he is,"... sorry, no. Is thinking your HoH is an idiot, and at best a sexy idiot, a positive inner thought process? There seems to be some underlying contemptuous feelings brewing. 
#2 "What an insufferable toad." This is an extension of #1 Cutting off or shutting down communication is usually not a good idea.
#3 Not bad, but inexperienced. Nothing needs to be said out loud in front of anyone and no reason to be "taken" by the arm in public. We all know that's a parent child move and hardly appropriate then either. lol. A signal can simply mean "meet out back/front/privately" Putting you arms around their waist, or leaning in to hug your partner makes a whisper in their ear hidden. A simple message given this way is more private, even if it's "We're leaving at __ o' clock", "You're in trouble" or "Say your good-byes and head toward the door, we're leaving and you are in for a serious spanking"
#4 Anger, rage and fighting are not accepted as normal. In this assessment the TiH becomes enraged and thinks the HoH needs to walk away and accept this behavior as normal. She mentions that she fears everything is out of control but doesn't realize she's controlling everything with negative behavior patterns. It seems that there is constant disregard for the fact that she needs to also hold herself accountable as an adult. The TiH in this case goes on to acknowledge attempts to ruin the relationship and push the HoH away. She believes he needs to accept her negative behavior to continue her ritual of creating chaos and an unstable home environment so she can then feel safe and secure again afterward. My educated guess would be that just when everything is going really well again, insecurities may reappear and the TiH mentioned above will need validation. That is the time when this choreography will begin again, and again and again., A rule broken subconsciously,  pushing, testing limits, creating upheaval and an argumentative state. All of this can cause the other partner to eventually shut down withdraw. Negative behavior patterns need to be recognized and patiently changed, not accepted. Awareness, communication and positive reinforcement can be powerful tools toward validation, security and a sustained knowledge of love.
#5 I felt this part needed a very close look. First, anything to so with fantasy, spanking of any kind, Disciplinary Spanking implement usage etc... needs extended discussion between each individual couple and a 100% agreement before continuing.
And, let's step out of anything to do with DD or anything lifestyle. I have some Psychology and counseling in my background, so from that perspective in my opinion if anyone slaps another person or throws something at them it's a sign of complete disrespect for themselves or anyone else. I agree with the statement, "This also means, unfair as it may seem, that even if she slaps you, or throws something at you, you should never reciprocate." But I personally don't agree a person (the man in her writing) should not reciprocate because they have more strength or can spank the TiH later. A person doesn't reciprocate because they have self-respect, high moral values and know it is wrong that they were attacked and would be just as wrong if they attacked back. It's not overly common, but I have counseled a few TiH individuals who thought it was acceptable to lash out against their HoH, because they knew they would be disciplined and forgiven later. I will premise my next comment as my opinion, but anyone who slaps another person or acts out in a physical manner against their partner, is not displaying the respectful foundation of a DD relationship. One of the first premises of a DD household is a tranquil home where people show their love for one another.
#6 Communication is a Key to DD. "Because I said so" isn't considered thoughtful communication and will not help your TiH to feel heard or validated. "Because I said so" again conveys a very parental-child dynamic. So if this is a part of your DD foundation, it might work. Otherwise a HoH needs to communicate more clearly.
#7 Starts out as a repeat of 6. Then I thought it was turning to toward the HoH needing to be able to say "We have discussed this several/many times and I have come to a final decision" That does need to happen sometimes. But it didn't quite get there with the "get over it" statement. And I think it's a stretch of the imagination to think of every intelligent TiH thinking "big dumb bully" Again, I am thinking the writer comes from a heavy dose of the parental/child aspect. Which is fine. Your DD Foundation is your own, and let no one judge you. But when writing publicly, have the experience to know the difference or do a little research.
#8 Starts out well. (she likes the "take by arm" thought :) ) Look past the "everyone should" style and it stays helpful. A spanking is more helpful when it comes as soon as possible. But if it doesn't come right away and the TiH does something nice in between, that doesn't necessarily need to mean it has less impact. This is yet another area where the pre-spanking Warning comes in useful. Mention the nice moment, say thank you. Take the opportunity to then explain that it doesn't change the fact that they have a Spanking/Disciplinary Spanking/Punishment Spanking coming. Clearly explain why, and remind the TiH partner what was agreed upon that led up to the discrepancy. (remember to go over these points during Aftercare after the spanking and include ideas for improvement to keep from being in this position again)
Waiting also doesn't always dilute emotional intensity. There are many TiHs who hate waiting more then receiving a spanking right away. That can occasionally be used by a HoH as a teaching tool, but I would never suggest taking unfair advantage of that fact or over-using that if it's true with your TiH. There are many areas of Balance that a HoH learns, and this is one of those areas.     
#9 Pretty solid friendly advice. (I'm a happy hetero Male HoH, but learned early on to look beyond when someone writes from a gender specific perspective- it's fine, just their personal preference)
It would be helpful to mention the use of Safe-Words, or discussing Safe-Words, when sharing about anything to do with Tolerance or Tears. It's nice that the beginnings of Aftercare is mentioned at the end. 
#10 Again, this one goes back to a "every TiH is the same" style of advice. Which by now, can be looked beyond to seek out the useful information to bring out in your relationship or a SitDD.
 They're already paper thin in the first year, so why push against walls you're suppose to support and help build!? The HoH doesn't have 100% responsibility for the TiHs behavior. Just because one partner "Comes Out", that doesn't give them the excuse of bad behavior and then labeling it as, testing, push limits or anything else considered Topping from the Bottom. I agree that a TiH is not "stupid" (hate that word) so they need to be just as responsible to communicate their thoughts, feelings and wants without expecting the HoH to read their mind. HoH or TiH, if you feel misunderstood then you're probably not explaining yourself correctly, or you feel that the word "understood" means "they agree" or "you are right."
And if a TiH wants to be put over a knee, ask. It can be that simple. It can be hard enough as it is, there's no reason to play games that provide a new DD relationship with unnecessary stumbling blocks. Pet peeve? Not really, it just doesn't show common sense.  TiHs that undermine or sabotage their HoHs, then turn around and complain that their HoH doesn't get it, or isn't getting it fast enough.
In my experienced opinion, (ok... strict & experienced opinion) 10 is a compilation of excuses for behavior contrary to a tranquil DD home and not a good example of a supportive TiH.
#11  Starts out alright again with a common area of concern. If there is a plan in place and The DD Guide is used, the questions asked can be answered. Start slowly using the TiH List and discuss each article in succession. Take notes during the Progression of Discipline & 3D S&H discussions.
Also, it's always suggested to begin with one item from the TiH List & have the Disciplinary Action fit the infraction.
#12  Not bad. 12 is a little bit of a carry-over from 11 and the break down from 11 can be a carry-over also. Starts out well and patience is mentioned along with a few genuine rules over a long list.
Choosing arbitrary rules from a list usually never works well. Beginning HoH Rules List from one item chosen together from the TiH List works for several time tested reasons and promotes a consensual beginning.
#13 Your DD Foundation is your own. The "rooms, extensions & additions" that are built upon your Foundation is to be decided over time by each couple. I think the writer kind of agrees, but then gives a light opinion of kinky sex at the end. What is considered "kinky" is left up to each couple. Some people feel like bringing a little whipped cream in the bedroom is ultra kinky, and other couples consider that a snack. lol :)
#14 From her experience level, she did a good job with this one. Starting with the basics in any area is a good idea when beginning. Using a hand only to begin is a good idea. Discuss implements and usage before Experimenting with each one. Patient Experiment Spanking is needed when introducing an implement. There are horror stories including a heavy frat paddle being used full force in the hand of an inexperienced spanker, and the end of the paddle connects directly with the tail bone! Experiment, and keep communication lines open. Also use Experiment Spanking to work on understanding Tolerance levels and how tolerance changes in different situation for a specific person. It can be very different for each individual. And taking breaks, and corner time is a good idea especially in the beginning.
#15 They do misuse a few well know ideas and long held terminologies used by people experienced in a Domestic Discipline relationship. Most are harmless, like calling a Warning a Lecture. No grown adult wants to be lectured like a child, but a Warning has been an accepted and fair way of making it clear why a TiH is being spanked, and afterward during Aftercare, it's a clear way to warn what will happen if the same discrepancy happens. If for some reason the HoH is angry, that does need to be communicated, but anger is well known reason to wait before spanking.
#16 is one of the sections above that jumped out as at least lightly non-consensual. Maintenance Spanking was portrayed as a possible harsh punishment or something a HoH could just decide to do at any moment in time.
Maintenance Spanking is used as a time based continuing tool within a process to maintain focus, revisit and/or re-establish effect & relationship goals.... administered during or as part of the process. If someone wants to call Maintenance Spanking something else inside their relationship that's their choice. But in my opinion when someone writes something publicly, it's important to do some research and have a responsibility to the community and especially those who will be coming later and learning from what is found online. Clear and defined Communication is a Key to DD inside of a DD relationship, and I believe that clear concise communication is a key to helping those who will continue to come along and look for information about what a Domestic Discipline relationship is all about.
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In the TiHs essay at the top, there are 16 fairly common DD related areas written about online. There is some anger, contempt and conflicted assumptions mixed in with how the TiH above has chosen to write out her advice for others. Did you catch that in your notes?
If you're a TiH reading this, did you initially have feelings of general agreement? Do you now?
HoHs did you feel empathy for the HoH in this situation? Did you see yourself in any of the situations?

If  readers simply read advice without researching with an open mind, there is the  possibility to take in negative advice rather then have the ability to look beyond what is on the surface. Read and re-read the 16 point essay above and try to do so differently each time before making your own conclusions. Can you see suggestions given from many perspectives, or only one?
Ask yourself if you're currently receiving negative based advice from online, local friends or acquaintances. If so, don't be alarmed. Research and understand what kind of advice you're accepting from a source and why. 
For those of us who make suggestions or give occasional friendly advice, we have a responsibility to every single reader now and into the future. It's understood that TiH & HoH roles are very individual and each couple living a DD dynamic can do so differently. If the information shared is only what is momentarily working in one relationship, the responsibility to everyone is lost.

Are you simply accepting of all advice without doing your own research or studying the advice given? Are you Open DD Minded when researching something as important as your happiness and the stability of your relationship & home? 
This is quietly the 4th installment in the DD Research Series. Share this little self test with others without biasing them first. You now have two separate views. Yours & the "Focus" one here. After you share with a friend, discuss their initial notes. You will then have three views. Continue gathering views, and you'll see how different people will all have varied views on a similar DD subject. Views are like opinions, we all have one.  Did the friend who was the first one to tell you about this article tell you anything about it first? No? Good! :)



I love how most of the people who are new or somewhat new, who write about their relationships, usually write from a friendly "what works for me" style. Or they include something like "in my opinion"  or "this works for me, I hope you find it helpful" into their posts and thoughts that they share. It has taken many years to get past the old MSN &Yahoo groups days when everyone thought what worked for them in one relationship was what "true" DD (sounds like a cult! lol) was all about and were narrow minded in accepting others opinions or writing from a position that was most helpful to the entire community. We have come a long way from those days. With that said, I do think this was a well written first person account of what works for a particular TiH and what they felt would be helpful for others also. Most of the different sections actually started off well, but as each one continued, their inexperience and particular area of interest showed. Which is fine, as long as your research doesn't start and end with the first read thorough. If you're in a marriage or relationship, find articles and use them as topics for a Sit Down Discussion. Read them separately right before a SitDD, then discuss your thoughts. A DD relationship and seeking what works for you individually takes time, effort and study along with patience, a plan & process and all the Keys to DD. And that's only the beginning! Research wisely with an open mind and nonjudgmental approach :)

1st three Articles in DD Research Series:
1) How to Start Domestic Discipline Research: What is DD to Me Resource & Eliminating Confusion
2) Domestic Discipline Lifestyle Research: How to Start Reaching Out & Communicating Online
3) Domestic Discipline Lifestyle Mentor: How to Seek a DD Mentor
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Related Reading Links:
Free DD Lifestyle Guide
Beginning DD (Collection)
Keys to DD (Series)
HoH Leadership (Series)
HoH Rules List (3D S&H)
No Consequences for HoH Question Answered
Charateristics of a HoH
Domestic Discipline Relationship Characteristics; Ethics are a Key to DD
Beginning Domestic Discipline Plan & Process: Your DD Plan