HoH: Head of Household Rules

•            HoH Rules ...

     ... Need to be Be Clear and defined!

A guide to develop the HoH Rules List.
The list referred to as the HoH Rules is slowly and patiently developed from the TiH List.
Continuing with the series that begins with " Where to Start " 




The list referred to as the HoH Rules is slowly and patiently developed from the TiH List. This helps insure consensuality and that we do not become dictators and controlling micro managers. We are the leader and final decision maker, but we are also present, committed and active partners in a very real relationship. This is not playtime. I'm not suggesting that nothing on the HoH Rules comes directly from the HoH, but keep it clear and defined. Generalities on the HoH Rules will only cause confusion later on. Start slowly and possibly pick just a couple of  items in the beginning. As an example: "No pointing your finger at me" and also, "No raising your voice in anger or frustration toward me."  An HoHs list of Rules is usually broken down into three to five areas. Dishonesty, Disobedience and Disrespect. Or as I like to call them, The three Ds of DD!  Personally, I also include Safety and Health. I suggest not rushing into having some long list of spankable offenses.


The HoH Rules are patiently formed through a HoH knowing who their TiH partner is as a person, what that person needs, who they are and where they need guidance. In the beginning it is absolutely acceptable to include some of your own rules to follow.  What a good HoH needs to refrain from is coming into a relationship or starting your DD lifestyle dynamic with a long list of punishable offenses. An HoH needs to start with what has been brought forward from their TiH partners TiH List and communication during daily conversations and the Sit Down Discussions. During a SitDD, the HoH also explains what other expectations they have and the fair path of consequences referred to as the Progression of Discipline. 

Personally I have started out with some simple personal HoH Rules.
For example:
* Keep all ADDS Communication Tools up to date!
No pointing "at" me in anger
No raising your voice "at" me
No hanging up a call with me in anger
The list goes on to add just one or two more...
Stay away from anything sexual, work or family related. If you decide as a couple to bring anything like that later, that's up to you. But, it's a beginners mistake to start with. Other then the HoH Rules, the TiH keeping the communication tools up to date will be very important moving forward.

The HoH Rules fall within The 5 DD Categories:

(3D S&H for short)

3D S&H - categories used when a HoH is beginning or organizing the HoH Rules List.

                                                                The categories are:
                                                                  1) Dishonesty
                                                                                        2) Disobedience
                                                                                        3) Disrespect 
                                                                                        4) Safety
                                                                                        5) & Health

The 3D S&H, is comprehensive, clear and complete. Just like HoH Rules need to be.

HoHs: The leadership you show early in your Domestic Discipline lifestyle dynamic should come from patience and understanding. When discussing a goal or behavior that your TiH brings to you for your guidance, try to refrain from allowing it to become meshed and blurred all together or to appear more then once when you decide if it will become included on the HoH Rules. Remain clear and defined at all times. Even if a certain goal (or transgression afterward) has fallen into more then one area, find the root cause and the correct area to place the situation on the HoH Rules. Being definite as a leader will help your fair authority in the relationship grow, and more importantly helps the TiH partner remain clear and defined in what is expected of them. The proper structure and accountability developed patiently from consensual and agreed upon objectives will lead to a more defined and successful DD lifestyle dynamic as time passes. Build a solid foundation with patience. It is always fine to have high expectations, but only when they are fair and for the TiHs growth and the overall growth of the relationship and household.

So to simplify: HoHs, take a piece of paper and start by listing the 5 categories mentioned in this article. 
During a SitDD, while the TiH is explaining what goal they would like your help attaining, make a note where you believe this would fit into the HoH Rules. If there's more then one area that is fine at first. You can always decide afterward where you feel it fits best, or discuss it with your TiH during the SitDD and then make a final decision.

Important Note: Begin patiently from goals brought up by the TiH through their TiH List and communication during Sit Down Discussions. Only one or two of the categories above are used to begin. Beginning with some arbitrary list of rules found on a blog somewhere will not promote the unique needs of your TiH. Build from goals and aspirations for a TiH and the relationship first.
The 5 Categories of 3D S&H can be used to reorganize a list of rules that has become out of hand and unmanageable in the reality of day to day life. 

Follow-up for this article > Domestic Discipline Rules: Examining, Building & Re-Organizing DD Relationship Rules
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 First article in this series > Where to Start: Beginning your DD Lifestyle Together
Entire Where to Start Series >  The ADDS Free DD Lifestyle Guide
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Related Reading Links:
Characteristics of a Head of Household (HoH)
Domestic Discipline Relationship Characteristics: Ethics
Experienced HoH's Perspective on Core Values & Home
HoH Leadership: Why No Consequences for HoH Question, Answered

Beginning DD (Collection of Articles)
Keys to DD (Series)
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