Becoming Taken In Hand

 Transferring Control 

Becoming Taken In Hand Pt. 1

One of the questions I am often asked is, "How do I get my partner to understand that I NEED this lifestyle?" There are challenges for the submissive partner to then overcome. One of those challenges can be that the TiH partner has fallen into a role that they don't want, but find hard to transition from.

     

Becoming Taken In Hand Pt. 1

One of the questions I am often asked is, "How do I get my partner to understand that I NEED this lifestyle?" People who don't understand this lifestyle would think it's probably a man trying to talk their female partner into this. Wrong! First of all DD at it's core is not gender specific. And, it has almost always been the submissive partner in the relationship coming forward and researching this lifestyle then trying to get their Dominant partner interested. Once interested though, there are challenges for the submissive partner to then overcome. One of those challenges can be that the TiH partner has fallen into a role that they don't want, but find hard to transition from.

     On one of the A Domestic Discipline Society discussion groups, this thread was started and has become one of the more popular threads on that ADDS group. I have slightly changed the names, but the content of each post is just as written. I did move some of the posts so this Article could be presented conversationally in two parts for continuity.

by Candice
I'm a very strong minded woman. I've always been the one "in charge" in the relationship I have with my husband. Usually what I say goes. However, after an epiphany several months ago I now realize that I am sort of in a DD relationship. On two occasions in my marriage my husband has thrown me over his knee due to some foolishness on my part. Once was about 4 years ago when we were newly married and the other several months ago. Both times I really crossed the line and my husband made it very clear that he wasn't going to stand for it. I was mad at him both times it happened and I was left speechless. It was such a shock to me. It was never something that had been discussed in my marriage, it was just the way it happened. There was nothing I could do about it at the time. I've discussed with my husband using this more often in our marriage so he can tame my temper and things can be a little more equal between us. He was opposed at first because it's so out of character for him but he brought the idea back up not to long ago. I'm having this internal struggle with myself because on one hand I know I've craved this type of relationship since it first happened and it would help even out things between myself and my husband but on the other hand I almost feel like less of a woman for it. I'm almost mad at myself. Thought? Opinions? Questions?

puppet:  Do you feel like less of a woman and angry at yourself when you're bitchy to your husband?


Candice: It feels right and wrong all at once...lol. I was brought up to be independent but many of my own beliefs are pretty old fashioned and they are why I am who I am today. I'm a housewife, a stay-at-home mom and I really depend on my husband for a lot. I'm kind of scared of jumping into all of this full force and giving up that last little bit of independence I have in my life. At the same time I know I will end up a better person for it and he will help me work on my shortcomings. Hell, since this whole thing started I get more attention from my husband than I have in years because it's something he has to work at too. I just need to get past this mental roadblock. It's almost like I'm talking myself into it all....


tudor princess: SO much societal programming to overcome huh? i understand. i ruled the roost in my marriage. i was boss and what i said went. AND that meant me being a Sarcastic, passive-aggressive Bitch half the time. my Lord would never stand for that. i feel more a woman. i am loving, respectful, hard working, taking care of my Love as He should be is my greatest desire and dream. i feel more feminine actually. Women are not women because we can rule a man. who the heck came up with that definition. i got the best quote from my Lord:

"having a voice doesn't mean drowning others out with it..."

His Forever: I seriously could have wrote this myself. I am a control freak---and after 6 years of marriage I can't do it anymore---being in charge of everything is slowly killing me emotionally...the stress, the exhaustion...etc. One night I just couldn't do it anymore...I was sick of myself. I handed my husband his belt and said do it. Now, we've always played D/s...never lived it 24/7, and I though the experience would be similar---I was wrong. I cried at the end begging him to understand my "need" for this. It has opened up the lines of communication and he is still trying to find his peace it and where it'll leave us. Recently, I was bratty and basically challenged him to do something about it. Afterward I felt resentful, and I think it's because part of me wonders when he's just going to get sick of having to deal with me---we're working through that now.

I'm not sure if I feel like less of a woman as much as I am strictly careful that our children don't see this side of us. Them catching us is a huge fear.

Candice: It's not that I want to be in control of my husband, what bothers me is the idea of him being in control of me...

His Forever: Simple question, why?
Do you not trust him to be fair and just? Do you fear he'll use this as an excuse to always get his way?

Candice: @hisforever, No, I trust him completely and always have. The thing that scares me is losing control

nickitta: It's just a part of yourself you are exploring.. if you are courageous enough to do that, it does not make you less of a woman, it makes you more of a heroine. Just my opinion,  good luck on your journey..


novice: I think the main thing is that.. as long as you have mutual respect and both view the other as equals... then knowing you're respected and viewed as a meaningful individual can help reduce that inner conflict. For that reason, I've often hesitated, repressed this side of myself.

I'm also very strong-minded. I can be stubborn. I'm very independent. Yet... I also crave a domestic discipline dynamic with someone. I'm at odds because, while I don't need to be in charge, I'm not used to anyone being in charge of me. It's... hmmm... very conflicting. There are very few people I would submit. If I feel disrespected, I return with same (this seems to surprise some people as if submission is given to all).
I tend to look for playfulness, patience, a good sense of humour in someone. Also balance, wisdom, good common sense. I feel that if you're with someone who lacks these things then they don't have a right to discipline. So, it's more a matter of trusting in their judgement, in order to feel 'right' about surrendering to the need (and craving) for discipline.
I tend to think that gender stereotypes... aren't the definition of a person. Rather, it's where you sit (or not sit, with warmed bottom :) with the person you're in a relationship with that counts.
Do they appreciate and support your identity, your personality, your goals and dreams?. Identity isn't the same at home as it is at work, in public, with friends, etc. That can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on your partner.
For me, in the sub role, it's knowing that submission is cherished not taken for granted or taken advantage of.  Some will control in a cruel, oppressive way. Others, in a loving, nurturing sometimes strict and harsh manner... which would you say your relationship falls under?


firstlook: @Candice I have a t-shirt that says "those who yield are not weak" -- i like this t-shirt because it epitomizes the fact that being submissive doesn't mean that you have left behind your independent and strong inner self but that you understand and need someone just as strong (if not stronger) by your side to help you become the best person you can be -- in a loving manner of course.
i'm a very strong-willed person and very independent (which so far has made it hard for me to connect with someone) that also worries about losing control. I have a natural defensive reaction when i start to be in a situation where i'm not in control that like hisforever said pops up and tries to take control back. In addition, since i have such an alpha personality when i'm around my friends (especially the Doms) i also react like blinks mentioned -- when no one steps up to the plate then i grab the bat and start swinging. It is irritating when you stand there and ask a Dom to make a simple decision like where to eat and they lay it back at your door to make the decision but all you can do is take charge sigh. Luckily they are just friends otherwise I'd have to have a very serious conversation with the Dom. :) (see the control freak pops up again lol)
i don't think that you will be giving up your last bit of independence with your decision to engage more actively in a structured DD household -- you already have to some extent as you said. I think that you will find you will gain more freedom and a better understanding of what your independence really means to you as well as to your family. As you and your husband move more and more into the structure of it I think that you will find that the self-control over yourself will become tremendously satisfying and will give you a feeling of independence just in a different way.
Remember, it is still you who is choosing how to behave and only you can make that decision since its an internal process. He might tell you how he wants something done or how he would like for you to react in a given situation but you are still the one making the decision to implement those requests.
good luck on your journey and hope all goes well for you and yours
hugs and kisses, fl

Candice: Another very insightful answer...thank you. I am a very take-charge kinda gal and relate to what everyone here has said. In all honesty, I'm tired of being in charge of everything



In Part 2, someone who writes in strikes a resonating chord that helped make this thread so popular, especially with TiHs. Check back a little later!