Where to Start: Beginning your Domestic Discipline Relationship

Beginning or Revitalizing your DD Lifestyle Together


TiH List/HoH Rules
Becoming interested in DD might be easier for some people. The desire for DD in a relationship can be a natural and healthy inclination for those who feel the strength and need toward their natural submissive or Dominant nature. There is a desire for love, security, and connection with...


Getting interested in DD might be easier for some people. The desire for DD in a relationship can be a natural and healthy instinct for those who feel the strength and need toward their natural submissive or Dominant nature. There is a desire for love, security, and connection with their partner. Some have thought about spanking or being spanked for misbehavior since they were very young, while others have only considered the idea much later in life. Regardless of how they arrive at an awareness of this interest, becoming interested is the easy part.

The hard aspect is starting. How to start and getting started in a DD relationship is not always obvious or easy. Many Taken in Hand (TiH) style submissives face the initial problem of convincing their partner to discipline them. This is a problem that, when overcome, leaves the couple with their next challenge. "I know we need this, but how do we start living this lifestyle?"

Some couples agree on a specific list of misbehavior. I strongly suggest to start slowly when moving forward. It can become overwhelming if at first there is a long list of misbehavior's listed. An inexperienced Head of Household (HoH) style Dominant can fall into the trap of becoming too controlling and mico managing. The TiH might start to feel like they're walking on egg shells and resentment can arise within them. That is definitely not the intention when learning to live within a loving DD household.  
Starting out with the TiHs goals has seemed to work best for the couples I have taught and worked with over many years. It is imperative that the HoH does not start with a list of their own rules to impose on their partner. It is vital that the HoH understands, their partner is not broken and does not need to be fixed. The TiH brings forth an idea, or a couple of ideas focused on areas they personally would like to work on. Again, start small at this point. The TiH should take some time and develop a list of "Tangible" and "Non Tangible" goals. The tangible ones are those that can be touched or completed through a specific action. 
Tangible Examples: 1) They want to reduce the amount of soda they drink daily. To do so they would need to refrain from opening the refrigerator and taking the soda in their hand before drinking it. The same for quitting smoking etc... 2) Another example is the TiH wants get more or better sleep. Then they would need to prepare for bed ahead of time, wind down from the day and actually go into the bedroom and get into bed at a certain time. This would mean there are actions that would need to happen and be completed.
Non Tangible goals are along the lines of  procrastination, honesty, being forthcoming and so on. Non tangibles are usually closer to personality traits someone would like to eventually change through time. As you may have already guessed, it's advised to begin with something from the Tangible part of the TiH List.
When the Taken in Hand partner feels comfortable with ideas or goals to begin with, they have their first Sit Down Discussion with the HoH and have an open honest discussion with each other. The TiH List is an ever growing and changing entity. By no stretch of the imagination does it have to be "set" or perfect. Things will be added and taken off  through the passage of time. With that in mind, I always encourage the people I advice to keep that first one. It will be written and rewritten when the one in use gets a little congested with notes, new ideas, goals and aspirations. When it is rewritten on a new sheet of paper (yes, I said paper! lol), date it and keep it. Date the beginning of the new TiH List in use and keep the old one in your Discipline Diary. (D Diary will be part of an upcoming ADDS post in this series)  The TiH List is for the TiH to have as their point of reference and to bring to their HoH for guidance and used as part of their Sit Down Discussions. 

 The list referred to as the HoH Rules is slowly and patiently developed from the TiH List. This helps insure consensuality and that the new HoH does not become a dictator or controlling micro manager. We are leaders and final decision makers, but we are also present, committed and active partners in a very real relationship. This is not playtime. I'm not suggesting that nothing on the HoH Rules comes directly from the HoH, but keep it minimal, clear and defined. Generalities on the HoH Rules will only cause confusion later on. Start slowly and possibly pick just a couple of  items in the beginning. As an example: "No pointing your finger at me" and also, "No raising your voice in anger or frustration toward me."  An HoHs list of Rules is usually broken down into three to five areas. Dishonesty, Disobedience and Disrespect. (Or as I like to call them, The three Ds of DD! lol) Also include Safety and Health to complete the 5 categories  I suggest not rushing into having some long list of spankable offenses. It's suggested to start with just one or two personal HoH rules that are added after the first week or two of working on the item or two agreed upon from the TiH List.

During your Sit Down Discussion, ask your Taken in Hand partner what item from their TiH List they most want to work on first. Then share what item or two you would first like to have included from your HoH Rules. Start there. Be patient. Be supportive. Then when the time comes, and eventually it will,  follow through with the consensual Disciplinary Action agreed upon during your Sit Down Discussion. Here's what I suggest from years of Mentorship and experience: With the first transgression begin with a warning and a reminder of the Disciplinary Action. Then work your way up to a Spanking if the same misdeed is repeated and it's important to explain exactly why you are spanking them and remind them of the warning(s) they received. Then onto a Disciplinary Spanking if there's a third offense in a relatively short period of time, again reminding of exactly why and what has led to this point. And only when necessary, progress to a Punishment Spanking if the same transgression has been broken again within a specific amount of time. As you begin keep in mind your partners Safe Words and Aftercare.    

To TiHs:  after your initial Sit Down Discussion rewrite your list. Take the original and seal it in an envelope with the date on it and put it somewhere you will remember to open it together one year from the day of your first SitDD with your HoH. The amount of progress you will see is amazing. Not only in the goals you have achieved both large and small, but also in the depth of communication, openness and honesty you both will have nurtured through the use of your list and the discussions that are a part of using a list as a communication tool.

To HoHs: Schedule two Sit Down Discussions a week for the first year. An HoH wants their partner to succeed and is there as a helpful guide and supportive influence. Rewarding accomplishments along the way are just as important if not more important then having to administer discipline. Being an HoH isn't about spanking someone. It is about loving someone and wanting to know they're happy and fulfilled in life and reaching their goals. It is only then that an HoH also needs to love their partner enough to follow through on the disciplinary actions agreed to when and if the time comes.

I realize if your just beginning this process that there are several DD terminologies to learn. Here's a link to The DD Glossary  for DD terminologies and also for the general DD vernacular. I also suggest you JOIN, to stay informed about everything happening in the DD community. The DD Glossary
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* Next Article in the series: Sit Down Discussions / Opening Communication
3rd Article in The DD Guide: Progression of Discipline
4th Article in The DD Guide: The Tolerance LaDDer
5th Article in The DD Guide: Defining The TiH List and The Domestic Discipline Diary
6th Article in The DD Guide: HoH: Head of Household Rules
7th Article in The DD Guide: The Domestic Discipline Calendar
8th Article in The DD Guide: Domestic Discipline Foundation: The 3C's of DD

Free DD Lifestyle Guide (Entire Series)
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