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Where to Start: Beginning your Domestic Discipline Relationship

Beginning or Revitalizing your DD Lifestyle Together

TiH List/HoH Rules
Becoming interested in DD might be easier for some people. The desire for DD in a relationship can be a natural and healthy inclination for those who feel the strength and need toward their natural submissive or Dominant nature. There is a desire for love, security, and connection with...

Getting interested in DD might be easier for some people. The desire for DD in a relationship can be a natural and healthy instinct for those who feel the strength and need toward their natural submissive or Dominant nature. There is a desire for love, security, and connection with their partner. Some have thought about spanking or being spanked for misbehavior since they were very young, while others have only considered the idea much later in life. Regardless of how they arrive at an awareness of this interest, becoming interested is the easy part.

The hard aspect is starting. How to start and getting started in a DD relationship is not always obvious or easy. Many Taken in Hand (TiH) style submissives face the initial problem of convincing their partner to discipline them. This is a problem that, when overcome, leaves the couple with their next challenge. "I know we need this, but how do we start living this lifestyle?"

Some couples agree on a specific list of misbehavior. I strongly suggest to start slowly when moving forward. It can become overwhelming if at first there is a long list of misbehavior's listed. An inexperienced Head of Household (HoH) style Dominant can fall into the trap of becoming too controlling and mico managing. The TiH might start to feel like they're walking on egg shells and resentment can arise within them. That is definitely not the intention when learning to live within a loving DD household.  
Starting out with the TiHs goals has seemed to work best for the couples I have taught and worked with over many years. It is imperative that the HoH does not start with a list of their own rules to impose on their partner. It is vital that the HoH understands, their partner is not broken and does not need to be fixed. The TiH brings forth an idea, or a couple of ideas focused on areas they personally would like to work on. Again, start small at this point. The TiH should take some time and develop a list of "Tangible" and "Non Tangible" goals. The tangible ones are those that can be touched or completed through a specific action. 
Tangible Examples: 1) They want to reduce the amount of soda they drink daily. To do so they would need to refrain from opening the refrigerator and taking the soda in their hand before drinking it. The same for quitting smoking etc... 2) Another example is the TiH wants get more or better sleep. Then they would need to prepare for bed ahead of time, wind down from the day and actually go into the bedroom and get into bed at a certain time. This would mean there are actions that would need to happen and be completed.
Non Tangible goals are along the lines of  procrastination, honesty, being forthcoming and so on. Non tangibles are usually closer to personality traits someone would like to eventually change through time. As you may have already guessed, it's advised to begin with something from the Tangible part of the TiH List.
When the Taken in Hand partner feels comfortable with ideas or goals to begin with, they have their first Sit Down Discussion with the HoH and have an open honest discussion with each other. The TiH List is an ever growing and changing entity. By no stretch of the imagination does it have to be "set" or perfect. Things will be added and taken off  through the passage of time. With that in mind, I always encourage the people I advice to keep that first one. It will be written and rewritten when the one in use gets a little congested with notes, new ideas, goals and aspirations. When it is rewritten on a new sheet of paper (yes, I said paper! lol), date it and keep it. Date the beginning of the new TiH List in use and keep the old one in your Discipline Diary. (D Diary will be part of an upcoming ADDS post in this series)  The TiH List is for the TiH to have as their point of reference and to bring to their HoH for guidance and used as part of their Sit Down Discussions. 

 The list referred to as the HoH Rules is slowly and patiently developed from the TiH List. This helps insure consensuality and that the new HoH does not become a dictator or controlling micro manager. We are leaders and final decision makers, but we are also present, committed and active partners in a very real relationship. This is not playtime. I'm not suggesting that nothing on the HoH Rules comes directly from the HoH, but keep it minimal, clear and defined. Generalities on the HoH Rules will only cause confusion later on. Start slowly and possibly pick just a couple of  items in the beginning. As an example: "No pointing your finger at me" and also, "No raising your voice in anger or frustration toward me."  An HoHs list of Rules is usually broken down into three to five areas. Dishonesty, Disobedience and Disrespect. (Or as I like to call them, The three Ds of DD! lol) Also include Safety and Health to complete the 5 categories  I suggest not rushing into having some long list of spankable offenses. It's suggested to start with just one or two personal HoH rules that are added after the first week or two of working on the item or two agreed upon from the TiH List.

During your Sit Down Discussion, ask your Taken in Hand partner what item from their TiH List they most want to work on first. Then share what item or two you would first like to have included from your HoH Rules. Start there. Be patient. Be supportive. Then when the time comes, and eventually it will,  follow through with the consensual Disciplinary Action agreed upon during your Sit Down Discussion. Here's what I suggest from years of Mentorship and experience: With the first transgression begin with a warning and a reminder of the Disciplinary Action. Then work your way up to a Spanking if the same misdeed is repeated and it's important to explain exactly why you are spanking them and remind them of the warning(s) they received. Then onto a Disciplinary Spanking if there's a third offense in a relatively short period of time, again reminding of exactly why and what has led to this point. And only when necessary, progress to a Punishment Spanking if the same transgression has been broken again within a specific amount of time. As you begin keep in mind your partners Safe Words and Aftercare.    

To TiHs:  after your initial Sit Down Discussion rewrite your list. Take the original and seal it in an envelope with the date on it and put it somewhere you will remember to open it together one year from the day of your first SitDD with your HoH. The amount of progress you will see is amazing. Not only in the goals you have achieved both large and small, but also in the depth of communication, openness and honesty you both will have nurtured through the use of your list and the discussions that are a part of using a list as a communication tool.

To HoHs: Schedule two Sit Down Discussions a week for the first year. An HoH wants their partner to succeed and is there as a helpful guide and supportive influence. Rewarding accomplishments along the way are just as important if not more important then having to administer discipline. Being an HoH isn't about spanking someone. It is about loving someone and wanting to know they're happy and fulfilled in life and reaching their goals. It is only then that an HoH also needs to love their partner enough to follow through on the disciplinary actions agreed to when and if the time comes.

I realize if your just beginning this process that there are several DD terminologies to learn. Here's a link to The DD Glossary  for DD terminologies and also for the general DD vernacular. I also suggest you JOIN, to stay informed about everything happening in the DD community. The DD Glossary

* Next Article in the series: Sit Down Discussions / Opening Communication
3rd Article in The DD Guide: Progression of Discipline
4th Article in The DD Guide: The Tolerance LaDDer
5th Article in The DD Guide: Defining The TiH List and The Domestic Discipline Diary
6th Article in The DD Guide: HoH: Head of Household Rules
7th Article in The DD Guide: The Domestic Discipline Calendar
8th Article in The DD Guide: Domestic Discipline Foundation: The 3C's of DD

Free DD Lifestyle Guide (Entire Series)
Just beginning your research?
Beginning DD Research (Series)
Keys to DD (Series)
Beginning DD (Compilation) 

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  1. Replies
    1. Anonymous9/16/2013

      This is my FIRST Tweet! I have never tweeted before, but this site is brilliant and I must respond. My wife and I began spanking when I wanted a Divorce and went to God in prayer. He said, "You don't need a divorce, your wife needs a spanking!" That is no joke. I listened to God, spanked my wife, and our marriage has blossomed ever since. I even wrote a book on the subject, "Spank Your Spouse! Avoid Divorce. It is available at Amazon. It totally goes with the philosophy presented in this blog.

    2. You Tweeted this page? Good for you!
      I have to say, that in about 30 yrs of living a DD lifestyle dynamic and helping people begin and learn about DD as a respectable lifestyle choice... I have never heard anyone say God told them to do it :)

  2. Thank you Chelsea! And, I'll be writing a more in depth look at the TiH List, HoH Rules & also the DDiary later in this "Where to Start series".

    1. Anonymous2/12/2013

      Hello Mr BBSpanker.. Is the "where to start" series on your website?

    2. Yes... you're reading the first post of many that here on the ADDS site meant to be helpful and supportive to anyone beginning, or beginning again :)

  3. Anonymous10/26/2012

    My name is Ann I am in my late 40ies....aww very late and the agreement was send weeks ago for the DD relationship....it was after some very bad financial decisions I made and today I was take in had and his had was used and I now have a warm heart and a very warm bottom.....but all is forgiven, I am happy and releived and although he never laid a hand on me in 30 years of marriage he sure knew how > I am blessed.

    1. I'm very glad DD is working for you and that we could be here as a resource for you :)

  4. What a fabulous post!
    You are a mentor to many!
    Thanks for all you do.

    happy new year
    Jack's Jill

    1. That is a wonderful compliment, thank you very much Jill.

  5. Dear MrBBSpanker
    Just some thoughts............
    At the moment we don't use domestic discipline for daily things - like dishes being done etc. We share the responsibilities of the house together.
    We do use DD for re-defining our roles. My hubby is now the HoH and I am working on being the submissive wife. This, we feel, makes our lives much more peaceful and loving, eliminates bickering and petty arguments and communication is so much better.
    We've agreed that my HoH spank (not punish) me to help me learn my role because my change is probably the most dramatic. I have to let go, trust him, obey his final decisions, show him the utmost respect, trust his judgement and not contradict him or his decisions. These "learning" spankings help him assert his authority, take charge and embrace his role as head of the household. They are part of the learning process and I hope that I won't have to think consciously about being submissive - but that it will become second nature at sometime in the near future and that the need for disciplining or spankings will not be necessary.
    We are determined to live a DD marriage - therefore logically the severity of spankings should never really have to escalate - but hopefully become redundant.
    Hope this makes sense.
    Jack's Jill

  6. Anonymous3/02/2013

    Ιts like you read mу mind! You appear to knοw a lot аbout this, like you wrote the booκ in it or something. I think that you cаn use а few pіcs to drive the message home a bit more, but other than that, this іs great blog. An excellent read. I wіll be bаck. Brooke

    1. Thank you! I HAVE written a DD book and was prepared to sign with a publisher, but instead of publishing it, I decided to start this site as a free DD Homepage instead. It's been something I have been planning for many years, and I couldn't be happier with my decision and the response to this site :)
      This community has given so much, and I want to always continue to give back too.

  7. Anonymous7/29/2013

    I used to think doing every single thing in the free guide was too much work and after a few months we were back to where we had started and before we started. We talked about divorce even. So he decided to take the lead and made sure we did every single thing on the guide and more stuff that we found here when we reset. This guide and website was our reset button.
    I am so happy that he took the leadership like that. The past 3 months are the happiest we have had in 20 years. And doing everything is easier then the frustration from the past.
    We tried four times in 10 years, we knew this fit each of us but no one else was able to make it into a plan that worked that worked for us as a couple. We want to thank you for the website and answering our emails too and online chatting to help us when we had questions.
    I dont know where you have time to do all this for everyone, but we love you for it. *~* B&A *~*

    1. So glad the DD Guide has been what you've needed to re-start and begin your DD choice together. There is 15 years of research built into this DD Guide and I know from experience it's the best way to begin with Consent, Communication & Consistency.
      And thank you B&A, I feel the love from this community :)

  8. Anonymous8/10/2013

    Thanks for having this site. As my wife and I start this new process, we will be referring here for much of our information. We will start this evening after I help my wife with her bath and we can have relaxing time to make a few of the rules that were expressed here nothing major though. We have been married for 15 years. We are looking forward to begin this lifestyle change and all it has to offer.


    1. You're very welcome Scott, writing this site is a passion and something that comes from seeing so much misleading information over the years presented by uneducated and inexperienced people on the subject of DD who only want to make money from new people to our DD community.
      It look s like you're beginning patiently & calmly... Perfect! :)

  9. Anonymous8/16/2013

    Mr BB this is a really good post but I still feel at little confused about what the difference between spanking disciplinary spanking and punishment spankings I have read the other post on the discipline ladder but I just cant grasp this please can you help me to understand

    Many thanks

    1. Review the Progression of Discipline & Tolerance LaDDer articles with your partner Jane. That's how this DD Guide works best. Re-reading, reviewing and discussing what you find here is what transforms what you read here into what works best for each person and couple. Use the SitDDs to help with the Communication plan & process that will guide you forward.

  10. Anonymous1/13/2015

    I just found this blog from a different adds place. All i can say is WOW. This one here talks to me direct. I came to this post first then was reading each post in the guide in order. This blog place is what I and my husband have been looking for. we tried last year but got all mixed in with a site that only tried to sell us stuff all the time. All of it was a waste of time and nothing they said worked.
    WOW so much to learn here and all is so real. I can not wait to tell him about this guide and get started! I know he will love it cuz it is free too hehe


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