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Spanking, Disciplinary Spanking, Punishment Spanking, Experiment Spanking & Safe-Words



In the beginning of your Domestic Discipline dynamic, the word spanking and how to implement a  consensual spanking are hot topics. As with most aspects of Domestic Discipline, communication is more important then anything else. With that in mind...

How a Head of Household (HoH) spanks their Taken in Hand (TiH) partner is more about communication then the actual act of giving a spanking. The terminology early on in a couples DD relationship is important. Spanking styles and when they are implemented are vital tools to the experienced HoH. If the only terms used are "Maintenance" and "Punishment" the HoH will begin to fence themselves in and lose the variation of tools available to them later in their learning process and even later as they and their TiH become more experienced.

When beginning to spank, keep the atmosphere light and open to communication and discussion. I talk about it, so I am often asked if there are really such styles of spanking as Playful Spanking and Experiment Spanking. The answer is yes, absolutely yes. Experienced couples will tell you that it's advised to keep communication lines open during the first spanking sessions.
New people learning about DD might want to have an instant HoH or TiH. That will not happen. I can tell you from years of experience working with new single people in a relationship and married couples, the beginning of your DD dynamic will be more successful if the partners involved understand ahead of time that there is a definite learning curve and some mistakes will be made. The HoH & TiH will go through ups and downs emotionally as they learn, but don't allow mistakes to be made when first learning to spank. If you expect the spanking sessions to be perfect right from the beginning there's a very high probability of disappointment. If someone is expected to deliver a Punishment Spanking, who has never heard of DD or being a HoH until recently, to delivering a proper consensual Punishment Spanking free of  mistakes, that's like asking someone who has never seen a hammer to build a house. 
Domestic Discipline begins as a new relationship foundation. Before you begin framing and building your DD home, you need a smooth, level and solid foundation first. The Keys to DD are your foundation. Communication, Honesty, Forgiveness, Confessing mistakes, building Trust, patiently learning your new roles... the list goes on and on.  Start with communication through Sit Down Discussions.
Am I suggesting the absence of spanking? No. But first plant the SSEEDD. 
"Speaking before Spanking, Experience through Experiment, & Discussion before Discipline"
Accountability, structure and discipline need to become part of the DD dynamic by building communication skills, consistency, leadership, positive reinforcement, consequences and yes... Spanking skills! It's significant for a HoH to build a toolbox full of different and varying spanking styles as options to have at the their disposal. It's just as critical for the HoH to communicate clearly and verbalize their intentions to their TiH using understandable and recognizable terminology. If a new HoH calls a Maintenance Spanking a Punishment, where do they go from there as time passes? They have just fused two useful and essential tools that are completely different into only one. Maintenance Spanking is a scheduled time based tool that is not a punishment. A Punishment Spanking is something that is used sparingly and later in the Progression of Discipline as a corrective measure. 
Creating a clear progression of Disciplinary Actions through scheduled DD focused discussion is crucial to the early and continuing structure on a consensual DD foundation. Without a consensually agreed upon foundation, there is no DD dynamic. So, why jump from one partner recently "Coming Out" to expecting an experienced partner. Work on the essentials first.

Experiment Spanking becomes a key element to building the consensual and effective part of your progression of agreed upon spanking skills and communication. This also alleviates any unwarranted expectations on the HoH to perform a spanking like someone their TiH might have been reading about. It creates one of the DD Beginning Points that they have now established in their own relationship. During an Experiment Spanking, it's expected that there's communication back and forth. The HoH is not only free to ask questions, they're expected to ask whatever they feel is helpful and useful to the later Progression of Discipline and their loved ones Tolerance levels.  
For example: "What does this feel like on a scale of 1 to 10? {Single Swat/multiple swats}
"What does that same intensity feel like here on a scale of 1 to 10 {certain spot on the bottom - Single/Multiple Swat} Compared to here? {different spot - Single/Multiple Swat}
Progress to timed spanking with increasing rapidity, intensity and time.

The first Experiment Spankings may seem a little pedestrian at first but with any experimentation you'll need to create a base level to begin. The new HoH will not only begin learning about their partners tolerance levels, but also make a mental note of the TiHs body language and verbalization used at particular times and intensities. From there move along as quickly as communication and tolerance allow. Remember to also experiment with Aftercare techniques, spanking positions and each time a new implement is introduced. Take the easy to use 1 to 10 scale and apply it to your discussion while reading and rereading the articles Progression of Discipline, and Tolerance LaDDer.
While developing your progression from Warning/lecture, Non-Spanking, to Spanking, Disciplinary Spanking and Punishment Spanking, you'll notice that Punishment isn't taken lightly and is a tool that is used later in the Progression of Discipline. I would highly suggest refraining from using the "Punishment" word lightly, or a HoH allowing a TiH to use it loosely. It can create an "all or nothing" attitude. Moving from patiently learning to jumping ahead to an all out Punishment and back and forth can spread to other areas while learning about Domestic Discipline practices. One week will feel like everything is working wonderfully, the next feels like it's not working all, the following week there's frustration or possibly some feelings of resentment or confusion and just not as submissive or Dominant as one or both partners would like. 
Progress naturally and patiently by having a plan and sticking to it.
When someones been warned or Non Spanking tools have been used, it's alright to call a Spanking a Spanking. It's also normal for TiH to ask for a Spanking of one variation or another. There are different levels of Spanking. Use them and experiment. 
By the time a TiH has possibly moved up the Progression, there will have been time to use several or many Experiment Spanking sessions and the newer HoH will have a better understanding of their partners tolerance and had time to start developing their own Spanking skills and Aftercare techniques. Moving patiently forward will build more confidence then rushing into uncharted territory too quickly.

When the time does come that the TiH has progressed to deserving a Disciplinary Spanking for the first time, there should have been communication after the last Spanking, warning the TiH what should be expected next. That is followed up at the next Sit Down Discussion. It's also highly suggested to begin discussing the use of two Safe-Words and to have them in place at this point in the Progression. Use of a Safe-Word in no way is to be used by the TiH as a way to try and usurp the HoHs authority. A TiHs honesty and true nature could be tested here. But, it is important to keep the lines of communication and consensual agreement at the forefront as the HoH continues learning and moves toward implementing Discipline. It is just as important for the HoH to know the TiH has the Safe-Words. There are many times when a TiH will feel the need to go to a submissive place within, and to call out or even say "please stop" or "that's enough, I've learned my lesson" or anything along those lines without intending on needing the Spanking or Discipline to stop. The release of tears is also not a Safe-Word. This is where it becomes essential that the TiH and HoH have had discussions about proper use of a Safe-Word, and during the Disciplinary Action the HoH will understand that their TiH is expressing their feelings verbally or through tears without needing the Spanking/Discipline to stop. The HoH is within their consensual agreement to continue until they know Disciplinary Spanking is complete (just slightly beyond the last Spanking given for that particular transgression), or the Safe-Word is used. When a Safe-Word is used, it is always, always respected.
The most common Safe-Words are "Yellow" and "Red"
Yellow for a momentary needed time to communicate something in particular and it's then the HoHs decision to continue or not after an appropriate amount of time to allow communication. Red is a stop right then, not to be continued. Period.
Beginning to use Safe-Words when approaching Disciplinary Spanking will be invaluable when the time does arise for a real Punishment Spanking. Discontinuing the use of Safe-Words can of course be discussed after both partners are comfortable with their Progression of Discipline and especially Tolerance levels and the HoHs confidence through experience and learned spanking skills.

There was a lot of ground to cover in this article that could have easily been several articles or posts! I have recently been posting more DD Resource style posts and wanted to get back to one of the things I enjoy, sharing Information Articles. Of course the information provided is done as friendly advice based on experience and time tested DD practices. I have received quite a few emails recently asking for a particular DD topic or question to be shared in an article here on ADDS. I noticed there was a a few that had a similar thread linking them together and they could be answered within the logical process and progression of this site. So I decided to bring them together in a single path of information. I will be coming back at a later date and writing separate articles for some of the practices and ideas presented above. Also for Edge Spanking, Clean Slate Spanking, Therapeutic/Cathartic, Stress Relief, Erotic, Sensual, Role Play, Fantasy and Playful Spanking to name a few.

If you haven't read these yet:  * DD Lifestyle Guide

* Keys to DD

Communication is a Key to DD

Progression of Discipline

The Tolerance LaDDer

Maintenance Spanking 

28 comments :

  1. Great topic. We still use safe words. They are a safety net for both of us.

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    1. Thanks Rose. I agree, having SWs in place is essential to safety and a consensually agreed upon relationship.

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  2. Daddy and I don't use the term 'punishment'. When I transgress Daddy gives correction, it is intended as a positive experience, it is halting a detrimental behavior, changing the course and ensuring that it won;t happen again. It is not used negatively, as retribution for the transgression.

    As for my part, I desire it not so much to 'pay for my mistakes', but because it allows the air to be cleared, and we can start over with a clean slate.

    I think another great point here is communication, that is always the most important, and as stated here, not just verbal, but the HoH being able to read his TiH's body language...it's vitalto him being able to give her what she needs.

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    1. Hi June, A positive approach using communication & with no negativity or retribution that leads to a clean slate :) That's so important in a DD dynamic.

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  3. This was chock full of information! :)

    We've just introduced safe words back into the mix. I think one other important thing to note is that they can be used as frequently as needed. In the beginning, Cael and I had a safe word and I never used it. I always felt like unless I was seriously in some sort of emergency while over his knee or while doing anything else, I wasn't to use it.

    But, we later learned that if I didn't use it, he couldn't very well gauge how I felt. It's one thing for me to keep asking him to "stop" but using a safe word is a much more, indirect, "hey this really hurts, but you decide what to do next." So, we've started using them and with more frequency. Seems to help.

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    1. Hi Riley. Yeah, I tried to squeeze a lot into this one. lol
      I agree that SWs are a good communication tool to have available.

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  4. Really useful post again Mr BB. Just the sort of information I needed at this time. Due to certain circumstances (Starman's had to have some tests at the hospital and I'm to teary to talk about them at the moment) we've had to take a bit of a raincheck, but this keeps me feeling positive. Things had been going so well, even without much in the way of spanking.

    The thought of safe words is a bit scary to me. I can't get my mind around that level of punishment. But maintenance and stress busting have become important, and at the present time I feel like a caterpillar that is not able to shed its skin! How do other people manage in times of crisis? I try to be submissive in my mind, but the stress is once again building up.

    In a fortnight we get the results of the tests. I want, truly, to remain calm and be very supportive, but I'm feeling so needy. I never knew I would ever, ever have such feelings about spanking. Any advice? You are always good at hitting the nail on the head!

    Hugs, Ami

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    1. Hi Ami, Safe Words are meant to alleviate some of the unknown or "scary" for both partners when they're beginning their DD relationship dynamic. SWs are usually needed when the couple is approaching Disciplinary Spanking so the SWs are mutually understood and in place way before a couple progresses to Punishment Spanking. Email me with your other questions Ami, or IM on G+, I'm always happy to help :)
      I hope Starman is feeling better very soon.

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  5. Lots of great info here.
    I think you've hit the nail on the head.

    Thank you,
    Emma

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    1. Thanks Steven & Emma. I was a little wary of posting these practices all together, but I hoped posting them in a linear format first might be more helpful later when they are posted as separate articles.

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  6. This was very informative and helpful. Thank you so much!

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    1. Hi Roxanne, thanks for stopping by and commenting. Just found your new blog. Good idea & good start!

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  7. Thanks for the great information. I'm sure it will help many.

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    1. Hiya Zoe. Thanks, always happy to share :)

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  8. Thanks for the post DD. Very informative. We've always had a SW and I've actually used it once.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    1. You're welcome Ronnie :) Like yourself, most couples with some experience don't use the Sws often.

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  9. Very informative post, Mr. BB - although the title when it came up on my blog roll, scared the bejeezus out of me....
    Ian calls them spankings, and I don't like to refer to them at all - except to ask for the good girl ones :D
    hugs
    lillie

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    1. Thanks lillie! I'm sure you're always good so you wouldn't have to worry about any spanking other then the good girl ones! lol :D

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  10. Hello mr BB
    I live reading your posts. This one does have a lot of information. But if I'm honest I'm finding it hard to understand the difference between Disciplin and punishment spankings.
    I know it has probably been mentioned but could you please elaborate a bit on this subject.
    Thank you

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    1. Hi Mbc, Good question and one that I have been getting a few of through email or G+ chat. The short version answer would be to study the Progression of Discipline & Tolerance LaDDer articles that are part of the ADDS Free DD Guide. Using the information found there in your Sit Down Discussions and implementing Experiment Spankings will help you and your HoH to develop your own individual understanding of the difference between Disciplinary & Punishment Spanking based on your personal tolerance levels. That's why it's important to work on strengthening communication and experimenting first. I would be happy to elaborate in detail if you'd like to email me. I also assist anyone through chat who is using the ADDS Guide. Anyone using the ADDS Guide can include me to your Google Talk using the ADDS email address adomesticdisciplinesociety@gmail.com or include B Blazer to your G+ chat. I'm always happy to help, and thanks for a great question :)

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  11. Thank you for another great post! So much of what we've learned here is working it's way into both our notebook and lifestyle.
    Catrinka

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    1. Knowing that what you're finding here is helpful is a wonderful compliment. Thank you and Alec.

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  12. What a great post, I can't wait to share it with Vic. We are still taking baby steps but are moving forward and I see different levels of spanking in our future. Thanks for helping us all.

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    1. I hope Vic likes the post also. His moving you patiently forward and collecting different & useful tools along the way will definitely benefit you both in the future :)

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  13. I appreciate this. It's so important to have that. We've never had to use a safeword, but if I used it, things would stop and we'd have a long, long chat!

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    1. Hi Lani :)
      There are a lot of people who have a safeword, but haven't needed to use it. But, just having one there in reserve is an important aspect of a DD relationship and the consent needed from both partners.

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  14. Anonymous1/26/2016

    Sometimes when my boyfriend starts backing off when I start to struggle feels like counterproductive in discipline punishment style spanking. If it that type of spanking and my boyfriend back off or stops, I feel I’m letting him down even though I have relinquished control of this spanking to him. Sometimes I actual asked for a real no nonsense spanking about every other month or so. I like this power exchange that happens and I feel the of energy and cathartic release from being spanked beyond being able to make words. It’s that feeling of not being in control anymore and while the pain is intense and physical I want it to stop and I and I’m yelling, begging and for it to stop, deep inside I want need him continue and turn it up notch and keep going until I change from yelling into a pillow to crying hard and getting that endorphin release. Sure I have burses and welts but that tranquil feeling of being centered again is wonderful. The pain from the spanking is catalyst to release negative emotions. So, sometimes I do ask for a no-nonsense no safe word spanking with no specified number and keep going until I really sobbing. As I am pushing my jeans and panties down, sometimes I have to remind my boyfriend before the spanking start to not to back off just because I am starting to struggle and to actual start the non stop rapid fire swats with no pauses between whacks until I get that sobbing release. I have to remind him that for this one, he gets to decide when I had enough and I trust him explicitly and I really want this. I have to remind of that because he is always so gentle and has always stopped when I yell out safe word. He's big softy and doesn’t ever want to hurt me. But every one in a while, I need and want a real blistering with his office belt or the flat part of the handle of a bamboo backscratcher from the dollar store he has, or a combination of both.

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  15. Anonymous10/07/2016

    I get so turned on giving my girlfriend all kinds of spankings, from erotic to just because spanking and even real ones that make her loss her composure, cry and sob. I see it as a gift of submission she gives me. Fortunately, I have a girlfriend who likes it also. She actually turned me on to it and brought out the spanko in me. Is it wrong to admit that I enjoy it? I get so turned on as I watch take her pants down knowing that she has given me full permission to spank her or sometime give her a real one. I have conflicting emotions inside. I don't like woman who are abused but I like spanking my girlfriend now. Its like is a psychological afrodeysic to me. I love the control aspect, its like asking me to discipline her is the ultimate sign of respect and I feel honored she choose me to have that authority. The actual spanking is exciting to me also. I mean when I turn her over my knee and it completely consensual I feel so stimulated by the whole experience. Seeing her beautiful bare bottom in front of me knowing she expecting me to spank her and sometimes until she is crying hysterically is huge rush. Is it wrong to feel good about having that authority and power she gave me. I also really get turned on when I start to spank her usually start out with my hand to start with. I am so stimulated when I see her clench up tight and I see all the muscular definition of her butt cheecks. It is electifying for me to hear her react and I feel compelled to smack harder and faster. To see her feet fluttering and her ass cheecks are turning red to bright red, its like I go into a trance in my mind. The longer the spanking goes on the more I get turned on and I am not sure if I should feel guilty of that or not? I have never seen her do the post spanking hop I heard some described but I might bring that up to my Jill. I usually use my belt over my knee for discipline and I feel the powerful sense of power and authority as I began removing it and I feel extremely respected by Jill as she begins dropping her pants when I order her too. Is something wrong with me, that after experienced spanking someone that I discovered that I really like it myself?

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