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Domestic Discipline Lifestyle Mentor: How to Seek a DD Mentor

Domestic Discipline DD Research Series. 
After a person has been reading and researching the Domestic Discipline lifestyle dynamic, the next thought might be to seek out experienced people to ask questions or chat with online. Some, after communicating online, then decide to seek out an experienced Mentor or Teacher.

This is the third article in this "DD Research" series. Again, the safest way to learn is by reading and gaining knowledge with an open DD mind. In the first article in this series here on A Domestic Discipline Society, we discussed an easy and useful resource called the What is DD to Me resource. It's important to research why you are continuing along the journey of collecting and making personal decisions about your own DD dynamic with the varied information found online. Just as important is privacy, safety and having a process in place to reset after gathering all the various ideas, terminologies and places for information and DD resources. If you have not read the first & second article in this "DD Research" series yet, it's highly suggested to read them first before continuing with this article.

The series has been written mainly with the single person seeking information about the Domestic Discipline Lifestyle in mind. Most (not all) of what is written in the blogland area of the DD community is written by, or toward, a committed or married couple. A Domestic Discipline Society has always been a resource for everyone interested in DD. All the information on ADDS is written to be helpful to those researching, communicating, seeking, Coming Out, starting a DD relationship or continuing to grow in their DD lifestyle. The information in this series is helpful to both single individuals and those in relationships of all variations. Of course take into account if you're a TiH in a relationship, anything found in this series should be shared with your HoH. If you're a HoH, this information can be helpful if your partner is researching or beginning to reach out and communicate online. If your TiH is pushing too fast or feeling slightly confused with all the new and varied information online, resetting with the What is DD to Me resource can alleviate that. This article should be discussed and agreed upon by both partners if a couple has decided to communicate with someone as a DD Mentor or Teacher. Having someone or a group who is advising you, your partner or both of you, is a mutual decision for anyone in a DD relationship. 

What is a Mentor in general?

1 capitalized : a friend of Odysseus entrusted with the education of Odysseus' son Telemachus
a : a trusted counselor or guide
b : tutor, coach
— men·tor·ship  noun

I'll make something clear before I continue... I am not advocating seeking someone to be your DD Mentor. Of course if you do, that is your decision. But I would suggest waiting until you have been researching why this lifestyle interests you, what pieces of the puzzle interest you most, and how all the pieces fit into your personal mosaic. New people who are impatient don't like hearing that very much, but those are my educated feelings from years of experience. Those who jump forward too quickly, find the most difficulty with fake "Mentors" who pose as knowledgeable, but turn out to be the people who take advantage of them more then anyone else.  

IF, someone decides to look for a DD Mentor... 
By the time someone seeks a real DD Mentor, their research needs to have been exhaustive. Their personal  What is DD to Me resource needs to be an individual, refined and personalized Domestic Discipline, HoH and TiH information resource. In this day and age it's important to keep your private life private. IF you're thinking of looking for a DD Mentor, the first things that should be discussed are some simple rules.

1) A DD Mentor is never going to ask you out, try and date you or meet up with you in any way.
This is important. It completely takes the most common problem out of the picture right from the beginning.
There are many people who use the moniker of Mentor as a disguise to meet people, seek relationships, sex, or any number of motives to try and meet for various reasons. A person who is willing to share information with you from an altruistic position, doesn't need to meet you in person. If you have set up your communication tools, as mentioned in the previous article in this series, you will have options to communicate and have your questions answered from the safety of your home and from thousands of miles away.

2) A DD Mentor will never ask for personal information of any kind.
After you know someone more then a year they might know what kind of work you do or a little about your family. But they don't need to know the location of where you work or have any information where they might contact anyone in your life. Sadly, I have heard horror stories where a new person shares some information about their family, work etc only to learn later, the person their talking to is a micro manager or highly controlling  And when the new person tries to cuts things off, they are threatened to be "outed" by a fake mentor or new lifestyle friend. Keep your privacy private.
Plus it's no ones business what you do for a living or where you live if you're simply looking for some friendly advice or information. If someone isn't interested in sharing information because you don't live close to them, it's an indication they might be looking for more then simply helping you.

3) A DD Mentor is not your Disciplinarian or future partner.
Mentoring someone isn't disciplining or controlling them. Mentoring it is patiently earning the trust to help you understand the roles of a HoH & TiH better and develop clear goals toward the future. This doesn't mean they are tailoring you as their own partner. There will be a time when a Mentor will help give you suggestions or friendly advice on how to stay safe when you begin to seek a DD partner. If they don't seem to be advising from a friendly place, and they keep trying to stop you from meeting people when you're ready... this could be a red flag. Especially if they become jealous or start asking to meet you.
A Disciplinarian is distinctly different then a Mentor. And will be the subject of a future article. This article is specifically focused on a DD Mentor.

The term Mentor has lost the meaning of what it once was in the DD & general lifestyle. It used to take about 2 years of learning & advice under the tutelage a true and experienced Mentor to even be allowed to call oneself a Mentor. It was once an earned place in the community. In the past ten years people have been misusing the term Mentor to meet people, control others, find play partners or sexual partners. The term Mentor and "Protector" are so misused they have lost all real meaning. Especially within the online lifestyle communities. 

If you are looking for a real Mentor, discount anyone who tells you they "are now your Mentor." Also stay clear of anyone who asks you first to be their mentee. Real Mentors don't go out seeking mentees.  It shows impatience and a little desperation... both are red flags. 
When starting out, begin by making friends with some caution, but definitely make friendships and acquaintances while getting to know who the person is behind their online presence or profile. Learn what their views are and by all means learn what it is you're looking for and ask questions of those you come across in a chat room. email, through private messages or online in any way.
Do not give out any personal information about yourself. Understand that while there are some excellent and experienced DD Mentors to choose from, there are also many more people who have hidden agendas that will lie to you to gain their own personal ulterior motive.
There needs to be some friendly emails, IMs & conversations first, and the person helping you will understand where you are coming from and what you need as an individual in this one area of your life. They will also want to understand how this area coexists with the rest of your current life, your past, and future goals. The fake Mentors who start out with a list of books you're suppose to read are being a bit lazy about their responsibility. How can you get to know who your DD Mentor is, by reading someone else's book and it might mean they don't have the communication skills to properly teach. If reading is something you know is a good way for you to absorb and retain information, then start by researching online discussion groups, blogs and free information that focuses on the area of your highest interest, then expand out to areas you're interested in learning more about. There is plenty free information to read while you begin. You can do that without a Mentor and doing your own research is the advised and safest way to begin. Come to an understanding about the area you are most interested in learning about and eventually including as a part of your relationship dynamic in the future. Know who you are and what some common ideas and terminologies that are shared and used for a long time.
  If they start telling you what to do before they even know who you are... red flag. These red flags normally coincide with someone who will turn out to be more controlling then teaching.
I would strongly suggest that you have an agreement and set rules ready ahead of time to communicate with a perspective Mentor. Have them understand they are not controlling you or dating you, and sexual contact is not part of what you are looking for from a Mentor. ( <a real Mentor will mention that first) True Mentorship is is an altruistic endeavor. A real DD Mentor is a teacher who will put your best intentions and safety first and ask for nothing in return other then the knowledge that someone new (like they once were) is learning at their own pace, finding the beneficial perspectives you  are originally looking for, (use What is DD to Me resource) and above all... you're being safe and knowledgeable in your choices as you continue to patiently learn.  A Mentor is suppose to help you expand your knowledge and if you are single and prepared to meet people in real life, help you seek a HoH or TiH in a safe manner. A very close and real friendship will grow with a DD Mentor.

There is much more information about DD Mentors vs Mentors from other areas of the lifestyle community, and more about couples seeking a Mentor or Teacher. It's a much different group dynamic when someone counsels or Mentors a couple. A DD Mentor has to have complete respect that even though the new HoH is learning, they are still the leader of their new relationship right from the beginning and not the Mentor. I will be updating this article soon :)

UPDATE: This is something I recently wrote in reply to someone looking for a Mentor

As far as Mentors in general are concerned, they are not needed like they once were.
There was a time when information was hard to come by and newer people would reach out to long time respected members of their local community. Then the internet came along and everything changed.

Before the internet, Mentors used to have to be mentored and guided by a long time member of the community who had also been a Mentor for a long time. It could take up to two years before someone was allowed to call themselves a Mentor. And that would be after they had been a respected member of the community for a couple years. Being a Mentor in the community was something earned and honored. Now, all someone has to do is post that they think they're a Mentor on an online profile. Sadly, most if not almost all of these online want-to-be Mentors are just out for their own selfish ulterior motives. 
The information people used to seek using a Mentor, is now all online for free. And there are many many resources and ways for people to share information and then connect if they desire.
Be careful both online and in reality

I have been in the community for 30+ years, and have been a Mentor for 25 of those years. 
On the flip side, I have found I need to be just as careful as those looking for a Mentor.
Things have changed immensely  in the past 10 years, and I no longer Mentor people one on one unless I know them a long time and/or they are in a long time committed relationship/marriage and do not expect anything more from me then friendly informational Mentorship based on the resources from my experience as a Mentor of many many people over the decades, my research done over a 15 year period that has developed The Free DD Guide, my writing and articles and a DD only relationship. 

The bottom line is, you don't need a Mentor any longer. The information and resources are already out there if you're committed enough to do the research. Then find a friendly chat room dedicated to only the subject matter you're interested in where you can ask questions about your research.Make sure it's not a "play/hook-up" room.
This process takes time and patience. You can not rush.

First two articles in this DD Research Series:


Related Links & Resorce Info:
The DD Community Chat Room


  1. Hi Mr BB. Thank you for sharing this. Very sound advice and good points.


    1. Thanks Roz! This is the tip of the iceberg concerning this subject. I think info related to looking for or being a DD Mentor needs a series of it's own lol

  2. Interesting and good advice. Thanks MrBB.


    1. Thanks ronnie :)
      I know the suggestions are very general, but as a first DD Mentor article, I thought that would be best way to present this information :)

  3. As usual, some great advice. Thanks for sharing this. :)

    1. Thank you for the kind comment Kenzie :)

  4. Wow, excellent advice! and SO true- thanx for sharing.
    .....there are some great tips in here that i hadn't considered (particularly around the privacy issue).
    Thankyou. :)

    1. Hiya LM :)
      As I mentioned to you, one piece of this had to do with an email you sent a while back :)
      I had this and some other parts of The DD Research series in Draft, and your email was one of those asking about meeting or looking for a Mentor. Thank you very much for reminding me to work on this series again :)

  5. Anonymous4/05/2013

    thank you for the time you put into this. I've learned so much.

  6. Anonymous4/19/2013

    Hi Mr BB Thanks for commenting on my blog:) I am nervous and have just started out. Liing in Australia, there aren't many spankos around cos Australians are boring lol
    Hugs Alexis

    1. You're very welcome alexis! No need to be too nervous, just keep reading here and writing on your new blog! lol
      I've never found my Aussie friends to be boring in any way!
      And your new blog is definitely not boring :)

  7. Anonymous4/19/2013

    a trusted counselor or guide
    This is how I see Sir
    He is very much older than me and has had experience in education. There is absolutely nothing sexual or sinister. He just cares about me and my growth. I am so grateful for him in my life!:)
    This is a cool summary of everything about my relationship with Sir
    Hugs Alexis


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