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20130526

Thoughts on the Draw to Domestic Discipline: Why Do I Want to be Punished?


UPDATE: A Domestic Discipline Society loves to share what YOU think! One way is with Guest Posts by ADDS Members! While enjoying a chat in The DD Chat Room a new person mentioned that they enjoy writing. I asked if she wrote a DD blog, she replied she'd like to but not yet. We chatted about something she wrote and shared once before. She updated and emailed it and I was happy to ask if she would like to Guest Post here on ADDS. She graciously accepted.

I asked for a mini bio to place above her Guest Post and here it is:
My husband Jason and I have been married for eleven years. From the very beginning of our marriage, we have recognized him as HoH and me as submissive to him, though how that's played out has changed over the years. We have only been practicing DD for about six or seven months. We didn't have a "formal" start date, so it's hard to say for sure when we started. It was something we eased into.

MEMBER

Thoughts on the Draw to Domestic Discipline: Why Do I Want to be Punished?
by: Jason's Girl

I think the questions "Why would I want this?” and “What is wrong with me?" are very common among those of us who desire domestic discipline.
Why would I want my husband to spank me?”

“Why would I want to spank my wife?”=

Often, we women read about men who are "man enough" to stand up to their Subs, and care about them enough to make them behave, to protect their relationship, and to lead. We read about being dominated and many of us think, "Wow, that sounds kind of hot!" We read about men who have no problem taking their girls over their knees and showing them who's boss. And we think..."I want that." 

We know that Domestic Discipline goes beyond the bedroom. Although many will admit there is an erotic element to DD, we know that it goes deeper than that. And sometimes, we are unsure as to why we would desire such a dynamic to begin with. 

There is peace in submitting to the man you love. Knowing he is in charge and won't let things go astray makes us feel loved. Being spanked is a major display of dominance and submission. Being taken in hand is hot, though being punished still hurts. It's all wrapped up together.

But it's all rooted in our desire to be loved. 

Let's take a look at a typical interaction with the average couple, and the same interaction from the Domestic Discipline perspective.

A woman gets into an argument with her husband. She's tired, she's cranky, and she's had a long day. She stomps her foot and slams something on the counter. His temper flares. He says some things he may or may not mean. He tells her he's had it, and he storms out of the house. She feels guilty. She feels abandoned. How could someone who loves her just leave like that? He doesn't have to leave the house to have the same effect. Maybe he's cold to her, or won't talk to her. She still has that feeling of being disconnected, abandoned, even unloved. As time goes on...and it could be hours, or longer...she realizes she's behaved terribly, and she feels guilty. She also feels hurt. What an awful end to an awful day. He comes home and they may or may not make up, but there's a bridge between the two of them. She still feels guilty.

Now, let's take a look at the same scenario with Domestic Discipline. A woman gets into an argument with her husband. She's tired, she's cranky, and she's had an awful day. She finally says something nasty and maybe in a fit of anger she stomps her foot, or slams something on the counter. He calmly and deliberately takes her by the arm, hauls her over his lap, and spanks her soundly. She feels the fight go out of her and has no choice but to submit. She feels humbled. When the fight is no longer in her anymore, he holds her. He tells her he forgives her and loves her. Maybe she feels something in her give way, and she cries. She feels forgiven. She knows he loves her enough to stop the fit, and to restore the peace in their relationship. Later, she thinks about how strong and masculine her husband was, and she realizes not only does she have a new-found respect, but she also finds his manliness more attractive.  

Does she actually like to be spanked? Yes and no. Being punished hurts, and the knowledge that she's done something wrong is uncomfortable. We're not talking about “spanking for fun” here, and this is where many who desire Domestic Discipline become confused. Why would someone choose to be punished?

We desire being taken in hand because we want to feel loved, not because we want to be punished. Those who dominate seek to protect and care for their submissive partner, even when that protection means to protect us from ourselves. We want that intimate connection.

Why would someone desire Domestic Discipline? At the heart of it all is the desire to love and be loved.
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13 comments :

  1. I really like this guest post. Wanting a DD relationship is still so confusing even in the midst of living it. Thanks for this :)

    -Marie

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    1. Hiya Marie! I thought Jason's Girl did a wonderful job too :)

      PS. I've been enjoying your new blog Marie :)

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  2. Jason's Girl -- lovely guest post! I think you described those feelings really well and I know I personally could relate. It's the million dollar question, one that doesn't have a concrete answer a lot of the time (for me anyway!) but I think your way of explaining it makes a lot of sense.

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  3. Jason's girl, thanks so much for offering such great insights into the punishment mindset. As a single girl looking for a dominant life partner I find myself often questioning my "need" to be punished. You hit the nail on the head with this guest blog. Great job!

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  4. Anonymous5/16/2013

    I'm so glad you enjoyed the post! Thank you for your comments.

    Riley, I do agree that it's the million dollar question, and perhaps my post has only scratched the surface! But I think if we ask ourselves why we want this lifestyle, and come to maybe understand a bit more about ourselves, it helps us have more confidence in our decisions. So many of us are uncomfortable with the fact that we desire DD. If we can move past that discomfort and move towards an acceptance of our needs, we can more fully embrace who we are.

    -- Jason's Girl

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  5. Very well said! :) I often describe it as longing for attention too. I love the feeling of the attention StrongMan gives me because we are in this type of relationship and there is such a love feeling too. Nice guest post. Thanks for sharing it. quiet sara

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  6. Thank you for this post
    I find this confusing so goodness knows how I expect H to understand. He still has original thoughts laying just beneath the surface too: "I don't think I should spank you really when you do something wring because you enjoy being spanked!" And he goes back to these periodically when he has doubts about this.

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  7. Terrific post Cammie! I agree that feeling loved is such an integral part of our need. I know that when Alec acts in a loving manner, even when it's a bit painful for me, the reassurance strengthens my respect for him both as a husband and HOH. Knowing I'm loved, not just feeling it, has such a profound effect of my feelings of safety and security within our relationship. It's when these feelings and knowledge meet that I'm truly the happiest.
    Thanks for sharing!
    (Hugs) Cat

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  8. Thanks for this post.
    But I'm getting a little tired of these standard descriptions of non DD marriage. It is not true, that it works so in non Dd marriage, as it is described. There are many who have it so, but not all. The same is not DD solution to all the problems in the marriage.

    If I say I want to be loved without first experiencing pain, is it wrong? I want to be loved for who I am?

    I understand that DD is not for everyone. You must have these special needs, which will be to satisfy in the DD.
    But if you do not have these feelings, can a woman still live in DD? What do you think?

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  9. Anonymous5/22/2013

    Mona Lisa, both examples were hyperbole, if you will -- exaggerated examples to prove a point. I have been married for eleven years and not once has my husband walked out of the house on me. And even though we do practice DD, he's never taken me over his knee like that when I've lost my temper. We have kids. It's not feasible. ;) They were two experiences used to prove a point.

    Of course it's natural and normal to want to be loved for you who are, whether you're practicing DD or not.

    I'm not exactly sure what your question is. Are you asking, if an HoH brought DD to his wife, and she did not at all find herself attracted to it, could she still life the lifestyle? I'd venture to say yes, though it would be perhaps more challenging to submit.

    Most women who practice DD have at least the beginning of an erotic attraction to being spanked. If you don't have that attraction, it will be much harder to submit to being spanked.

    I'm not trying to be difficult, but I'd love to help answer your questions. I'm just not exactly sure what they are.

    -- Jason's Girl

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  10. Exactly how I feel! Thank you for this article!

    ~Jane

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  11. Thank you so much Jasons girl, for this artikkel.. I have been soo frustrated, confused and shameful for having these desires for as long as I can remember.. - Being so confused about it. - Like "there must be something very wrong with me, and "Im a total freak".. - But this just explaines the whole thing, - it added up in me.. Its all just very simpel:) Elisabeth

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  12. Thank you for sharing this article.

    I'm a strong woman. It took a long time to meet a man who naturally dominates me, and when we did meet we both fell absolutely in love. For the first time in my life I wanted to do someone else's laundry, and bring them thier coffee in the morning. That doesn't mean we were both perfect though.
    He naturally led, I naturally followed, but of course there were days when stress overwhelmed us and we'd fight. I'm a strong woman, backing down when I'm angry is simply not in my nature. He's even stronger then me, backing down is just something he will never ever do, ever.
    After a couple yrs together I brought up the idea of spanking to him. We had structure and expectations already. I tried explaining to him that I felt a need to be punished when I lost control of my anger and screamed so loud the neighbors could hear. Yep, that's me! I hold in all my feelings and then completely explode on the on the people I feel the most secure with. This was certainly a behavior I really wanted help curbing.
    He equated my request to a parent child relationship, and it upset him. He tried a spanking me few times to try to please me, but just couldn't manage to actually strike my bottom hard enough to cause any pain at all. I LOVE this man, this was not a deal breaker, so I just tried to be patient and let things progress at thier own pace.
    After my fits, when we eventually talked things through, I would hint at the need for a spanking. Sometimes he would surprise me with one. Things moved slowly.
    After one such fit I brought home a long paint stirring stick. It's meant for commercial use, it's about 2' long, 2" wide and about an 1/8 " think. I believe it's made of pine. It doesn't look very intimidating. I put it in our bedroom, on the dresser, and I left it there. It sat their and collected dust for months.
    Two weeks ago we got into an awful fight, a week later we fought again, 2 days ago we got into a fight which really threatened to end our relationship.
    I was a wreck at work yesterday. I felt horrible about how I had behaved, and I really was scared that this was the end. Last night, when we both got home we laid down together and began to attempt to work things out. I was laying at his side when he sat up and reached for the paint stick on the dresser. He gently turned me over and positioned my body so that my head was resting on the bed, my knees were raised and I was holding my bottom up in the air. He put his hand on my lower back and gave my bottom a hard fast smack with that paint stick. " Is this why you brought this thing home" he asked, "yes" I whispered, a bit shocked by the amount of sting I was experiencing across my bottom. "IS IT?" He asked, a bit more forcefully. "Yes" I replied, louder this time. And then he took that paint stick and he paddled my upturned bottom with it, and it hurt, it hurt ALOT. A few times I reached back to rub my bottom and he quietly removed my hand and gently held it while he fiercely paddled me. Once or twice I swung my bottom out of his easy reach, and he gently waited for me to hold it back up so he could resume the painful paddling. I have to admit I was really surprised at how much he could make that thing sting.
    When he was done he set the paddle on the bed next to me. "Is that what you need?" He asked me "Yes" I quietly responded. We laid together for a bit. Then I got up and started dinner, and life went on. I felt more peaceful inside now though, and there are some painful welts across my bottom that I can still certainly feel.
    That paddle is back on my dresser now. I don't have any idea if he will ever pick it up and use it to spank me again. I hope he chooses not to, it really really stings! I am wholeheartedly grateful to have met a man though who will paddle my bottom when I need it rather than give up on our relationship. That part feels really wonderful.

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