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20121006

HoH Leadership: No Consequences for the HOH Question is Answered

A common question that  some people have about Domestic Discipline is, why doesn't the HOH suffer any kind of consequences for their own mistakes?  It might seem unfair to newer submissives learning how to  become Taken in Hand. This seems like an odd dichotomy though since usually a TiH style submissive is instinctively attracted to the Domestic Discipline lifestyle and feel deeply that their role in this lifestyle is what they have always needed.


It's true that in a traditional Domestic Discipline relationship, the HoH is not subject to a similar set of rules like their submissive partner. Leadership is a different role within the relationship and it's is judged by different criteria. As leaders, HoHs have different responsibilities and have to constantly make difficult decisions, even if the results are not what they had originally hoped. Not only do they lead, but they protect and guide the household in a patient caring manner. And if a similar set of rules were attempted to be imposed on a HoH style Dominant, it simply wouldn't work for them and it would definitely drive a wedge in the relationship. It's like when someone knows in their heart they are TiH, and are being made to lead and be in control of a relationship when they inherently do not feel like it's who they truly are as a person.  Dominant personalities and more submissive personalities can be very different in how they're motivated or generally operate. That doesn't mean that the differences aren't exactly what each of us can rely on from the other and what drew us to one another in the first place.

The HOH may have to carry out Disciplinary Actions for similar behavior that in the past they might have been guilty of to some degree also. But remember, it's not the HoHs behavior that is in question. I hope it's becoming more clear why the original Sit Down Discussions are formed around the TiH List. And from the TiH List, many of what will become the HoH Rules are patiently formed. It's all part of the patient methodology of beginning or revitalizing and growing in a DD lifestyle relationship dynamic.

Personally I feel  absolutely awful when I make a mistake. Especially if it effects my friends or loved ones. But I know I will quickly recover and be ready for the next challenge no matter what that might be. An HoH has to be ready to lead at all times not matter what the situation. It's the HoHs accepted responsibility. It's one part of what makes them"tick".


When a mistake inevitably happens, there is no safety net for an HoH unless they have a wonderful compassionate and forgiving partner in life. Part of the ebb and flow of a successful relationship of any kind is compassion, empathy and forgiveness. I have said it many times... a Head of Household Dominant and a Taken in Hand submissive are two sides of the same coin. They need to have each others back at all times in order to remain whole. They are uniquely different, yet they are one. 
There of course will be times when one partner will need to be there for the other, but  in very different ways and from completely different roles and perspectives.  




The HoHs role as the leader of the relationship and household means that they have to make decisions and altruistically act for the  greater good of everyone involved. The decisions made are for the relationship as a whole and the benefit of the entire household. Part of leadership is understanding and prioritizing what is most important for the relationship at any given moment. A HoH needs to be able to see the big picture and look to the future while guiding the household forward. And on many occasions that means being very unselfish. Making the right decision can mean they need to forgo something they have been wanting to achieve or obtain for a long time. They would then need to reset that goal and work toward retaining it at a later date. But, if it were something that needed to be done for their loved ones, that's what needs to happen. Period.
Depending on the relationship dynamic there is usually some discussion and then after careful consideration, if a decision wasn't completely agreed upon as a couple, then the final decision is the HoHs to make. Having the continued confidence while making those type of decisions without the love and trust of their partner would be very difficult. Being able to make the right call time after time in those situations takes the trust of their TiH partner. 

When a TiH needs to be disciplined, among other things, they need aftercare, compassion and forgiveness afterward. In return when a HoH makes a mistake they need continued trust and support from their TiH partner. Just as the HoH should not be over-controlling and looking for any reason just to "spank", the TiH should not be looking for a mistake and then not be supportive afterward or want to have their loved one endure some kind of consequence. Being vindictive or unsporting is opposite of either persons role in the relationship and counter productive to the household. In the future that will only erode the foundation of their roles in the relationship and it will hurt them both and the entire framework of the household. That would be highly counter productive. This is an example of an area where the balance between the HoH and TiH partners needs to be clearly defined and carefully navigated in the beginning, and revisited in discussion as the relationship grows. If roles become unclear, the HoH needs to reset the the basics quickly and redefine their HoH Rules. A good leader knows when to pause, regroup and reset. A newer HoH should reevaluate at least once a month anyway, and an experienced HoH reevaluates no more then every 6 months. We clear the cache and history on our computers all the time and we defragment our computer about once a month to keep everything working smoothly. If a HoHs leadership role has become unclear or undefined, then it's probably because they haven't "cleared the cache, history and defragmeted" their DD dynamic within the relationship!   




Leadership is the flip side of submission. Being the HoH is facilitated by the TiHs submission, and it has its own set of responsibilities and rewards, just as submission has for the TiH. Leadership and submission are loving roles that a HoH and a TiH live out willingly on a day to day basis. They are different but equal roles. If a HoH and TiH are not willing to accept these differing roles and prefer to conduct their relationship in a purely conflict based way, they will eventually end up trapped in a conflict based relationship. And no one wants that. That is why we have turned to the lifestyle choice of Domestic Discipline. 
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Related Reading:
Domestic Discipline: Experienced HoHs Perspective on Core Values & Home
HoHs are Dominant vs Domineering: Characteristics of a Head Of Household (HoH)
Where to Start or Revitalize your DD lifestyle dynamic: The Free DD Lifestyle Guide
Beginning DD (Collection of Articles)
KEYS to DD (Series)

20 comments :

  1. Once Ian spanked me in anger, it was a dangerous incident and one with a history and he spanked when he should have cooled off first. Iy bothered him more than it did me in the long run. I got over it, I deserved the spanking and in a couple of days I realized that I had contributed to the losing of his temper.
    Ian still brings it up as a time when he didn't "do right" by me, and has asked for forgiveness.
    I do think that HoH's hold themselves to a higher standard than their wives would anyway.
    It takes broad shoulders, I think. :)

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    1. Even natural born leaders need to take time, live and learn as we become a HoH style leader. It's wonderful that he asked for forgiveness and has learned from what he obviously feels bad about. Too many "Dominants" don't feel a need to ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness is a two way street and is so important in a DD relationship.

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  2. I've heard that question asked too many times to count! Why the HoH doesn't have the same consequences. Admittedly, it can be a little hard to understand. At least, until you've been living in DD for a time. Of course, Blue makes mistakes. When he does, he is much harder on himself than I ever would be. Like Lillie said, it seems the HoH's hold themselves to a very high standard. Actually, I think you guys have it much harder than we do! I don't think Blue will ever to have to worry about me trying to unsurp him in his role......I don't want it! Thanks, as always for such a thoughtful post.

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    1. If a Head of Household isn't hard on themselves then they probably are still learning about the compassion and empathy that is necessary to become a HoH. Making a mistake that impacts those we love is an awful feeling.
      And knowing our TiH partners have our back if something goes wrong is one of the best feelings a HoH can have. It helps drive us forward confidently without second guessing ourselves. And in my experience and for those who I have taught over the years... more mistakes come from unsure HoHs who lose confidence and are always second guessing instead of leading forward.

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  3. I once laughingly said, Well can I spank you? Eh-heh-heh. MDK gave me a look and said if you ever try, just wait to see what I'll do back! :) Thank you for the link - I'm linking you as well. Very informative site.

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  4. Yeah, I won't speak for other HoHs... but if my TiH asked that, it would be looked at as a joke but it would still gives me the heebie jeebies! lol

    You are very welcome :) I like sharing links with great DD blogs and DD friendly blogs and authors. And thank you for the "Very informative" compliment! The focus as the ADDS blog keeps growing by leaps and bounds is to pack as much information and DD sources here for everyone visiting, reading and using this site as a resource. :)

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  5. http://redhead-dairies.blogspot.com/2012/06/hallo-everybody.html10/15/2012

    Very well said, and written but I have a question. What if the HOH lets you down, when you needed him the most? What if he looses his cool, and run of like a child, when you needed his control and comfort? Can you explain to me how must a TiH handle a case like this.

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  6. Well said. I thought I had written a similar post on my blog, http://startingoutspanking.blogspot.com/, but now I can't find it. The gist of my message was something along the lines of him thinking, "She would get spanked for doing something dangerous. How can I do something like that and maintain my integrity?"

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    1. Thanks for the comment Jenny,
      I originally wrote this on one of the ADDS discussion groups years ago. And a much longer version is part of my "forever unpublished" book I've been writing and re-writing and re-re-writing for about 7 years! LOL
      That would be great if you could find it! I would really like to swap links between similar posts. That would give both blogs' readers even more information on the subject. Email me if you find it :)
      And I don't know if you noticed, but I joined your blog after reading your comment on the "Vote for Favorite Blog" post. I'll be stopping by and reading :)

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  7. Anonymous10/28/2012

    This is beautifully written and very enlightening.
    The leadership role is not an easy one. And the charcteristics of a leader in a DD relationship are increasingly hard to find.
    Thank you for writing this MrBBSpanker. I have been looking for a good information place for DD that is written by someone with obvious experience, and now I have finally found it! :)

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    1. You are very welcome, I'm honored that you're finding this site so helpful.

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  8. There are consequences for mistakes made by the HoH. Mine has to admit his mistake and apologize for it. Even make amends for it.
    That is punishment enough.
    He is the head of this household and enforces the rules by any means necessary. I don't think I could respect him, if I were to spank him.
    This is the dynamics of a DD marriage - each knows his role, that's what keeps the house running in a balanced, peaceful and loving way.
    That's how I see it.
    Jack's Jill

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  9. Anonymous5/29/2013

    I'm still not sure this page really answers the question about why HOHs don't receive spankings.

    As for me personally, given that a greater responsibility lies on the HOH's shoulders, the consequences when he does get it wrong should be more extreme. Also, I think that he should be his wife's protector, not paingiver, but conversely should, if he has upset his wife, be willing to take his punishment like a man. A big man should be able to make his buttocks available for a spanking on his wife's request and take his punishment until it finishes.

    For these reasons, I am of the opinion that DD should be F/M rather than M/F.

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  10. First, if it's not consensual either direction it's abuse and DD is not for everyone.
    If you continue to research you'll find there is something called Switching where both partners agree disciplinary actions that might include spanking. Even the partner who is usually more dominant. That's their choice.
    If you fit the HoH role, FLDD is one form of DD and if your partner agrees then that's something the both of you will need to investigate.

    What confuses me, is you just left a comment on the recent Domestic Discipline Community Sit Down Discussion post, where you mention being in a DD relationship for a year as a TiH in a DD relationship and you don't understand why you purposely provoke you HoH to cause a reaction. From that comment, and "A big man" comment here, it seems like you have some anger & building resentments that need to be addressed. Please feel free to email and seek further advice.

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  11. The sitDD that the HoH has with the TiH : we have TiH saying" i feel bad when I***.' so the HoH makes a rule that imposes a consequence if the TiH continues with behavior *** Now when she says I also don't like it when you the HoH does #### which I am sure he already knows, continuing that behavior without consequences in plain talk means that the HoH's own commitment to the Relationship and the Lifestyle are not in fact above reproach and may be something that is a tool to attempt to control the TiH. Without self reflection and growth on both the TiH and the HoH after an appropriate amount of time the choice of timing to begin the Lifestyle should be reconsidered. I kim b. from Kim's KinKy Korner believe that the Submissive partners feelings of wanting discipline for their Dominants comes from not seeing tangible change in their HoH's behavior. As in everything in life we need to remember that our time table is only that, OURS!

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  12. I guess that I didn't do my fair share in keeping things balanced correctly. We both got too comfortable in our DD relationship and forgot our roles, to the point where I finally withdrew consent. He is accountable for his behavior but not punished in the same way, which I was so frustrated with him that I just wanted him to have some kind of consequence. Why didn't I read all of your posts before I let things go to far. And Kim's blog posts too. Thanks for the infor

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    1. In my opinion and through what I have seen as a natural part of a growing DD relationship... there comes a time when a lot of couples decide to take one step back in order to gain a new perspective before taking three steps forward.

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  13. Anonymous2/10/2016

    I have no clue if this will get answerd being 2 years since the last post but I will try. If the HoH does something wrong for exsample: the same thing that TiH would be punished for would it be alright if done in a polite tone and manner for a TiH to ask for the HoH to at least acknowledge they did something wrong? I am not suggesting apoligy though that would be nice but just a simple yes I did do that wrong and then drop the issue. I would think that a good HoH would be able to admit they mess up.

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    1. Anonymous2/23/2016

      It's been a year since this question was asked, but I don't see a reply so I figured I'd share my thoughts... I think that you have to be good at holding yourself accountable before you can take on the role of holding someone else accountable. In the scenario you described... if the HoH took steps to fix the mistake and/or took care not to repeat the mistake then they probably think admitting it isn't necessary, as they have already remedied it. Or, they may just need to communicate that they recognize their mistakes in a different way. Or HoH may see your need to hear an admission as an attempt to hold the HoH accountable (which isn't the TiH's role). If the HoH did remedy their mistake (which shows you that they recognize it) & you still have a hard time letting it go then it's important to find a respectful way to express that. Have a conversation about the overall topic, not just about the single mistake (or it will come out as criticism).

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