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Characteristics of a Head of Household (HoH)

Secrets of an Experienced HoH 

      A Head of Household exercises leadership and guidance in many subtle ways with positive influence and thoughtfulness rather than threats or overt and unfair physical punishments. HoHs genuinely care about the people in their life. They can be authoritative leaders, yet have the utmost respect and care for others...

Head of Household: Characteristics / DD Core Values

- A HoH loves and cares for their submissive TiH partner. Submission is a gift freely given and loving dominant leadership is the loving return of that gift.

- A submissive TiH responds to a Dominant HoH if they show themselves worthy of respect. Compliance is wanting to please, not constant fear of unjust psychological and physical punishment.

- A HoH must first win a TiHs heart by earning their trust through honor, truthfulness, trustworthiness and respect.

- A HoH respects the power that's earned and given within their consensual DD Power Exchange.

- A HoH must be in control of oneself first before they can exercise guidance and accountability over anyone.

- HoHs understand the differences within the Progression of Discipline, The Tolerance LaDDer and the gap between guidance and force.

- If  safe-words or safe-gestures are used, HoHs are quick to be a supportive and caring partner.

- HoHs know to never raise a hand in anger.

- HoHs show guidance that is worth following and an ever growing knowledge that is deserving of their TiHs attention.

- HoHs understand that the worst punishment for a TiH comes in the form of the HoHs displeasure or disappointment and will never use that knowledge as an advantage, discipline or punishment.

- HoHs understand a persons emotions and mind are both beautiful and fragile, and the HoH is carefully dedicated and patient never to do harm. Patience is not only a virtue in this area... it is imperative to any DD lifestyle relationship.

- HoHs know communication is one of the most important aspects of their DD relationship. Experienced HoHs always listen.

- HoHs take the time and effort to know their TiHs mind, body and needs and strive to know their soul.

- HoHs have patience. Knowing that as their TiHs trust grows, so will the closeness of the relationship.

- HoHs are courageous enough to accept assistance. Open minded enough to learn new things. Knowledgeable enough to know that there is always more to learn.

- Some of the HoHs most important tools are their mind, patience, communication, honor and love.

- HoHs are fully aware of the strengths of their TiH. You are One, yet uniquely different.
- HoHs know they are not perfect and will make mistakes. They are wise enough to admit them to move forward.

- HoHs understand that some of their greatest strength comes from being compassionate, consistent and fair.

-  HoHs praise in public and only constructively discuss differences in private.

- A HoHs word is their bond and will be consistent and follow through.

Being Dominant not DOMINEERING:

Many (non-HoH) Dominants don't know the difference between being dominant and being domineering.

* A domineering person will control vs. lead and guide.

* Selfish. A domineering person thinks that it's all about being in charge for their own benefit.

* Domineering people are often controlling, overbearing, loud, tyrannical and micro-managing. They exercise    control in oppressive and negative ways. 

* They are unjust and severe in their treatment of the people around them.

* Their control is often psychological and selfish and often enforced with threats of unfair physical  punishment, with no thought for anyone but themselves.

"An experienced  HoH does not need to force their TiH to do anything. They will guide them toward a desire to be a supportive partner in their DD relationship."  ~MrBBSpanker

This will be a growing list. Do you have something to add to the Characteristics of a HoH list?
(or Domineering list?) Have you developed a HoH/TiH Characteristics / DD Core Values list for your relationship yet? Here's how> Domestic Discipline Relationship Characteristics / ETHICS are a Key to DD
Related Reading:
HoH Leadership Series:  
No Consequences for the HoH Question Answered
Where to Start: Beginning your DD Lifestyle Together - ADDS Free DD Lifestyle Guide

All of these below make excellent Sit Down Discussion (SitDD) topics.
Keys to DD series of articles* KEYS to a Domestic Discipline Relationship
1) Communication is a Key to DD
2) Domestic Discipline Relationship Characteristics
3) Domestic Discipline Honesty
4) Domestic Discipline Confession
5) Domestic Discipline Aftercare
6) Domestic Discipline Forgiveness


  1. In my experience, HoHs are protective by nature. They are more likely than most men to help an older couple struggling with a walker, or a young mother trying to get in and out of doors with shopping and little children. They are the men who pull over to help change other people's tires, if they need help.
    They hone this skill taking care of their women and their families and it spills out to the community. I love it.

  2. I agree Lillian! I actually work with the elderly, always open doors for others and have changed my fair share of people stranded on the roadside. lol I was raised to volunteer and help others in need too. I hadn't thought of it from that perspective before though. Thanks for bringing up that insight Lillian :) I'm sure other HoHs are probably the same in nature.

  3. Your timing of this post couldn't be more perfect. Thank you.

  4. You are very welcome Wilma! I just read your blog and it seems like you're starting out with your DD lifestyle choice and beginning your first Sit Down Discussions! Congratulations! If I may suggest... be patient with one another and take things slowly, especially in the first year :)

  5. I like that you have clearly distinguished between domineering and dominant in the context of home leadership. Being in charge is not a licence to control and oppress, but rather an opportunity to bring out the best in your family.

    1. Thank you OFM! And I agree completely with your assessment. Being a HoH and taking on the responsibility of leadership is an honor that is reciprocated with love and making sure our TiH partner has every possibility to be the best version of who they are and who they aspire to be in the future.

  6. After withdrawing consent, Ty decided he needed a refresher on his role as the HoH. He asked me to gather some information for him. I know that your article is probably a little old but it is still great and it is exactly what I was looking for.
    I miss seeing you around by the way

    1. I'm happy you and Ty found this article informative. And articles don't get "old", the info is always there to read and share lol


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