** ADDS is Your Worldwide Domestic Discipline Community Home Page!

All members & readers of A Domestic Discipline Society discussion groups, social sites & blog. Collectively you made ADDS the largest, most read, most active Domestic Discipline Community worldwide. We promise to continue to present only the best DD information, news & resources. Thank you for making ADDS your DD HOME PAGE for Everything DD!


Coming Out about Spanking and Revealing Domestic Discipline Desires

There are different reasons why people feel the need to tell someone about their urge for spanking or the desire for a Domestic Discipline lifestyle. Personally, I haven't had to "come out" with my DD lifestyle or explain my spanking side to anyone recently. People I feel I would like to tell, I've told. Anyone who needs to know... knows. Everyone who it wouldn't matter if I told, or make sense to tell... doesn't know.

 The recent NYT article and subsequent conversations that have come afterward have prompted me to think about my past experience and how it was and still is today. I mentioned I haven't needed to reveal anything like that about myself recently, but I have consistently been helping people when they feel the time has come to tell their spouse, the person they have been dating, a family member or friend. Here's some personal experience and suggestions.

The fun and kink side of my spanking self was not hard to bring up for me. I have an open sense of humor and was able to lightly slide an undetectable "spank" style comment into the conversation and then gauge someones reaction.
The initial look of surprise that might occur isn't actually enough to make a definitive decision when bringing up the subject. It could be that the person was just a little surprised at the little comment and not enough to fully gauge their true feelings. The moments right after a first reaction are more important  Look for a light blush of their cheeks (not those cheeks, that might come later!) and also look to see if their pupils dilate. Continue to be attentive to their reply afterward along with facial expressions and body language. I would suggest not continuing with the subject or adding to the light comment yet, but let them make the next comment. If they continue with it then that opens a dialog where you can continue to determine how they feel about the subject on an upper level. Meaning, it may not be the feelings they harbor deep inside yet. It is highly unlikely that they just come out with something more then what is being talked about at that moment. But, a discussion, even a light and fun discussion, can reveal openness to the idea or possibly some deeper feelings and desires. There will usually be one of two areas of response.

Interest: A playful, joking or truly deep interest. Look for positive body language and facial expressions, especially a smile. 
 * Best case scenario is that there is a high interest and leads to a great conversation. Listen for "I have in the past", "I have always wanted", and "I have always wondered" style statements. Remember to smile, nod, and be supportive. If they begin talking about past spank style experiences that they have wondered about, you might now be the person someone else is "coming out" to. Yes, that's right you may have given someone the "key" to open a doorway and have become the person on the other side of the table! Be supportive, engaging and patient. You'll have the opportunity to inject your personal thoughts and feelings a little later within the ensuing conversation, or more conversations to which it will lead.

* They may show interest but become a little shy about the subject, smiling but quiet, or possibly lightly embarrassed. This is also a time to become supportive and give a big smile and ask like "What...?"  Then let them speak next! Their next response will speak volumes. It could mean that they have difficulty with the subject and the smile is a cover to some hard feelings, or just need a little support to open up.
Disinterest:  like the subject SHOT right over their head! Or a NO Way, no interest because it's not within their thoughts or personality or anything to do with anything they want. There could be an emotive response of feelings that come from someones past that brings up difficult memories. Hopefully you have known them long enough to be privy to this information. Even someone that's been married for a long time, might have no idea of what the word "spanking" might elicit from their spouse. The person your communicating with might have never brought up past memories about the subject or there may have never been a reason to in the past.

If you really think you would like to let someone know and you truly are a person without a clue on how to proceed, there isn't a long never ending list of questions you need to ask yourself over and over looking and seeking for some deep meaning. 

Start with one of the most simple & sucessful evaluation techniques... 
Who What When Where & How.
Who do you plan to tell.  What are your real reasons for telling them. When will you start the discussion. Where are you planning on having this conversation. How are you planning on telling them. If you can sit down and answer these questions in 10 words or less. 
Than move on to the last self evaluation.


Why would telling this person be a benefit to BOTH of you?

After all, are you just telling someone because it will mean the world to you but completely destroy them or their feelings about you?

For those of you who are married or in long long term relationships, be prepared to answer questions in return after starting the discussion. Have a plan and be prepared. Have resources available to help you.
I will suggest something here that is often overlooked when having "the first" discussion about your desire for this lifestyle dynamic. Plan ahead when you tell your spouse or loved one that you have wanted this for a long time, and you have been seeking information for awhile too. They might be alright with that, but also consider that this might now be considered a secret you've been keeping. I would suggest addressing this in your initial discussion so it won't become a trust or honesty issue later. Starting with honesty and a clean slate is very important to avoid early stumbling blocks.
And if you're in a marriage or long term committed relationship and thinking of telling someone, you're also telling part of your partners private life. And if you can't tell your loved one who you're telling and what you're telling them, then it's probably because you know they wouldn't agree.
Do not "out" anyone's private life without their full permission. 

If someone comes to you and asks for help with coming out and telling someone in their life that they've been yearning to tell. I would highly suggest not giving "advice" or "telling" someone what you think is the best for them. First, assisting them in gathering information and looking for good ideas before stepping out of this particular shadow is an excellent idea. Help them find useful resources and when discussing the matter, listen.
Then listen some more. Assist them by being a supportive part of their process. If you find yourself starting to say something like "I think you should..." or "The best way is..." then you might be veering them away from their own decision making capability. They know themselves and the person they are telling more in depth anyone. And there is no ONE right way to proceed for everyone. Sharing your experience and then asking them how they would do it differently is a more beneficial and useful approach.
When I am asked about how to divulge a spanking need or Domestic Discipline lifestyle desire, I usually find that the person asking, already has the answers in their heart all along. Asking reflective questions and helping them bring these answers to the surface has the most long lasting success. Many times they just need affirmation that their going about it in the right way. Or they need a little nudge and they think someone else will give it to them. Never nudge! Helping someone to find an answer within themselves is more important.  Making the final decision needs to be something they come to on their own.

Last but certainly not least... your private life is all yours. It's alright to keep some aspects of yourself private unless you feel there is a definite benefit to you and whoever you decide to tell.
Related Reading & Research: 

* Domestic Discipline and Coming Out about Spanking
NYT article by Jillian Keenan >> Full NYT Jillian Keenan article 
MrBBs Follow Up with Ms. Keenan >>  Jillian Keenan FOLLOW UP & Interview
After Coming Out: Domestic Discipline Marriage: Beginning a DD Marriage

DD Research Series
The DD Lifestyle Guide


  1. Hi Mr BB, great post, thank you. This is such a difficult and nerve wracking thing to do and this is a brilliant guide of how to go about it, including the possible reactions and how to deal with them.

    I'm sure it will be a great help to a lot of readers :)


    1. Thank you kindly Roz :) I hope people will find the info useful.

  2. Anonymous12/04/2012

    Thank you for such a great post, Mr BB.
    While many of our family and friends would not be surprised if we told them we practice Dd, there are those few that would NOT understand. Steven's mother would probably spank HIM if she found out...hhmmm...wait...that might be something I would like to see. ;)

    Thanks again
    Have a great day!

    1. Thank you Steven & Emma. Uh oh, I hope you wouldn't tattle on your HoH! lol

    2. Anonymous12/04/2012

      No worries, I would never tattle on my HoH. But just picture this sweet little southern woman paddling her 6' 2" son. A girl can dream. ;)

    3. LOL. Glad to hear you'd never tattle on your HoH :)

  3. Anonymous12/04/2012

    Hi Mr. BBS
    Great post, as always.
    I have often wondered what I would do or say if we were "outed". The truth is, I would leave it for my husband to handle and he has a way of ending unwanted questions quite abruptly. It is sad to hide behind him, but I don't think I have a good enough handle on this lifestyle to try and defend it to others....if they were judgemental in any way.
    Thanks for brain exercise.

  4. Hi Lillie, thank you for the kind comment. I will hope it never happens, but I'm sure Ian would handle the situation admirably. IMO, it wouldn't be "hiding behind" him necessarily, just one of his HoH responsibilities that you are comfortable he would deal with very well. It's nice you feel loved and protected in a DD Home :)

  5. Replies
    1. Thanks elle! I hope people find it helpful.

  6. A great article MrBB.
    It is truly sad that something so natural as Domestic Discipline has to be so secretive.
    Sometimes I want to shout it from the hills how much it has done for us - how there is nothing to be ashamed about, how this is a very old concept and how right it is to have a division of roles in a family so everyone knows what is expected of them.
    If it ever becomes common practice, I personally think it will come from the women who need a HoH to take care of them and have accepted the beautiful idea of being submissive.
    Jack's Jill


CLICK! banner below for Free & Original DD Boot Camp Information