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Domestic Discipline and Coming Out about Spanking

Domestic Discipline style Coming Out and DD needs & desires. Are you still wondering? Still researching? Still waiting to to come out? Do you have ideas about telling your significant other?  A Domestic Discipline Society continues to research and investigate the most proven ways to help someone Come Out about their DD relationship needs.

I enjoy looking up and researching articles from the history of our Domestic Discipline community. There are archives for all websites and blogs available if you know where and how to investigate. Vicki Blue is one of the first of only a few DD bloggers back in the early 2000s.  I remember reading the site and also recommending the site to friends and people I was teaching. I found it interesting rereading this piece again because back then it was accepted by the majority that only men were HoHs & women the TiHs. It's like looking back in a time machine before A Domestic Discipline Society was introduced as a place to bring everyone together.
Please understand that the article below is written in 2000 so there are some older ideas presented along with ideas that still prevail today.

Telling Him: Broaching the Subject of Domestic Discipline to Your Partner
by Vicki Blue

I guess I should consider myself one of the lucky ones.

As one of those fortunate enough to find  a dominant man who was the one to bring DD into my life, I never had to go through the dilemma that garners the most request for help on our mailing list. That dilemma is - in a nutshell - "How do I tell my husband about DD and how do I get him to participate."

It most households, it is the women who are asking for this. I know that there are men seeking DD relationships also, but for now we are looking at the woman's perspective.

I think because it is the interest in spanking that all of us share which starts the ball rolling, it is some time before women realize that it isn't just spanking but something deeper they want - a real disciplinary framework backed up by consequences. For most women, they want those consequences to be spanking; there's just something cathartic about it that is unlike having privileges taken away.

Because of that, many people seeking advice in the past on DD have been told to provoke or ask for spanking, which is really bad advice. Unfortunately, because so many lists don't deal with real DD they are often more "spankocentric". The advice to approach the husband about the need for structure through discipline and not just go in search of spankings from him is what women new to this need to hear most of all.

I've had heartbroken women who had taken bad advice write me frantic, tearful emails saying, "I finally got up the courage to tell my husband that I want to be spanked and now he thinks I'm kinky. He just doesn't understand. It's not just about that!"

Well, of course it's not just about that, although even in a DD relationship erotic spanking has it's place and can live side by side with disciplinary spankings.

But for men, who often take things at face value if his woman tells him that she wants to be spanked then that is just what that means to him and he'll either think it a nice new "spice" in the bedroom or will simply tell her he's not interested in playing those kind of sexual games.

So the woman - by being a little but not completely honest - has saboutaged her first attempt to introduce DD and she is devastated.

Now I'd like to take a look at what she should have done instead.

While DD often incorporates spanking, that is far from what it is all about. DD is about a loving disciplinary framework worked out and agreed upon by both partners. In this relationship, rules are laid out that both can live with from a compliance and an enforcement standpoint. She has to feel comfortable obeying them; he has to feel they are important enough to enforce. He has to agree to follow through. She has to agree not to abuse her need to feel boundaries by breaking them intentionally just to get punished. This relationship shouldn't feel like a parent/child setting but a system between two equals.

So now that we know what DD is, how should a woman ask for it.

Well, first, it helps to have already established a relationship with your man where you can tell him your feelings and insecurities without the fear of reproach or ridicule. You should be in a good relationship with a man whom you respect. If  the relationship is already rocky or the guy is an unethical jackass, the last thing you want to do is implement a system where there is a power imbalance. If your marriage isn't strong, shelve DD awhile and work on the relationship. You can always try to implement it later.

If you can talk to him, tell him that you have a deep, unmet need for limits and guidelines. Tell him that you feel secure living under the rules of loving authority. Reassure him that you aren't looking for a daddy but more of a mentor figure who will shepherd you within a loving framework.

Give him time to absorb this. Remember that in our politically correct culture, a male-dominated home may seem almost like an alien concept. In the initial conversation you may not even want to bring up the subject of  rules or consequences. Just let him know about your needs. Answer any questions he has as honestly as you can.

If he does understand and - best case scenario - this appeals to him then you will want to start brainstorming together about a possible rules and consequences. At this point you could bring up spanking. He may embrace the idea or he may really shy away from it because men are told they shouldn't hit women. It's a good idea at this point to let him in on what you already know, which is that quite a few principled men and women are living in arrangements where spanking and other consequences are used quite effectively. Again, give him time to absorb what you have said. Surf the net together and check out the web. If he's so inclined he should solicit advice from some men who are already established as dominant partners in their relationship.

If he is open to the idea of DD, shower him with love and appreciation. If he is reluctant, be understanding and patient. If he flat out refuses - worst case scenario - respect his feelings and try to imagine how you would feel if he were trying to convince you to discipline him. Some men are not interested in being a dominant partner and as much as it hurts, if you are in a relationship to stay then you must not push something on him that will bring him unhappiness.

Building a DD relationship is like building a house. It requires a good foundation of respect, understanding and patience. If approached in a prudent manner dividends will pay off in the long run and you will both have a household that is the richer for it.

As you can probably see, there are many changes and still many commonalities that resound today. Coming Out about one's DD desires are still something people wrestle with. How to Come Out about DD is something everyone has some kind of opinion about. Do it right away? Wait and research? Just about any scenario that can be thought about is brought up during these discussions.

Who Came Out to who and ... 
* How did You Come Out? 
* How did They Come Out?

Related Links:
* Coming Out about Spanking & Domestic Discipline Desires
Domestic Discipline and a New York Times Article
Defining Domestic Discipline: Domestic Discipline Lifestyle Definition


  1. Great article Mr BB, thanks for sharing.

    The focus is often placed on spanking which, of course, is a tool and one component of a DD relationship. There is so much more to it. I particularly like the final paragraph.


  2. I really don't think any of the ideas in the article are out of date. It is simply from one perspective. I couldn't write about a female led house hold. It isn't something that I understand. Most people first learning about dd focus on spanking but that should not be the focus. And so what if a wife wants a little kink in the bedroom. Between a husband and wife in the privacy of the bedroom, it is healthy. Don't like that word? Then don't use it.

    I was the first to mention dd. Unfortunately my focus was on spanking and what I wanted him to do. He called it childish and wanted nothing to do with it. It took us several years to get past both of our hangups before dd became part of our lives.

  3. Anonymous9/12/2013

    HI MR BB
    I was astonished at this article - this was me to a T when I first tried to talk to my husband. All I could do was indicate that I wanted to be punished by being spanked. I wasn't even sure what I should be spanked for or how much or anything. While my husband is very reluctant about it - I wouldn't say he is against it totally (at least I hope not - maybe I am deluded) I think he mainly is afraid of hurting me. I now realise there is so much more to it than spanking - I have come to understand at least I think that the main component of the whole thing in a nutshell is "consensual submission" and that even means accepting he may never want to spank me no matter how much I want it or feel I need it. That's where I am at the moment. I simply try my best to obey, respect and be honest with my husband and for me in my heart that is DD - yes it would be great to have consequences and I long for that and I am just trying to find a way to bring it up. I live in the hope that my husband truly will notice the change in me as I strive to be a better person - and without the consequences I fail frequently but then I just have to pick myself up and continue that's part of the submission too - at least I think it is?
    I enjoyed this article and found it helpful so thank you for sharing it

    Best Regards

  4. Anonymous11/12/2013

    Very useful and informative article. For me, the dilemma is where to look to get started, other than vanilla dating sites. I don't want to go on a bdsm site as I'm not into that scene. I'm simply a 56 year old man living in a largish house who is at a crossroads and for some years has wanted to mutually explore a DD relationship with a woman who would be prepared to relocate and live here, with a mutual respect, framework, a set of rules which I have already defined - and be happy to face the consequences if the rules aren't adhered to.



  5. I asked my fiancé of 10 years ago about this and how I wanted to start this lifestyle. He never did take me too serious and it was very gusterating and a huge let down. One because it's was so very hard for me to tell him something so seriously needed for me for many reasons. For healing , forgiveness, all this lifestyle would do would be beneficial in every way shape and form to us. We are madly in love with each other. He is my sole mate. It's a good thing that he didn't take it too serious then. I learned I wasn't 100 % ready to give my 100 %. A couple of wks ago after knowing 100 % I wanted this. I did tons and tons or more research and brought it up to him again. He doesn't seem to get ( or didn't at first ) how important this is to me on so many levels. I sent him a lot of research as well as wrote him a letter of why I really want and need this. He didn't want to read anyone's personal stories. Only mine. So after many many embarrassing talking and giving him things to read. He said yes. It was a huge changing point in my life for me. I'm so so excited. As this is just the beginning and doing tests runs. It sure is fun and I KNOW for a fact this is what I need. My man is my life as well as God. If I can make both completely happy. That makes me happy. My man definately is worth it. He sure is. Life is so much better , organized and manageable now that we are living this amazing lifestyle. Hard to believe people can be so Mis understanding about this topic. It's amazing!!!!! To say the least.

    1. For those of you who live the DD lifestyle, what do you like about it? Do you feel nervousness/fear often? How did you start? Did you bring it up or your spouse? If I need to post this somewhere else, let me know. Im new and this is my first post. :-)


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