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Domestic Discipline Marriage: Beginning A Domestic Discipline Marriage

Domestic Discipline  Marriage: You have "Come Out" or someone has Come Out to you... What's next?
How you start your Domestic Discipline Marriage or Relationship is vital to the later success of your DD lifestyle choice. Where you are in your life and relationship status is an important determining factor in deciding the best way to move forward. We'll look at this in two parts. HoH & TiHs after a TiH has "Come Out" about their DD desires. If an experienced HoH reveals their DD relationship needs then there is usually a built in leader and guide within the relationship. When a TiH comes out to a perspective HoH, there can be difficulties asking someone to take on a more open leadership perspective and the new HoH is the one who has less information in the beginning.

Recently on A Domestic Discipline Society, there have been articles presented like Jillian Keenan's New York Times, Modern Love article, and a 360 degree look about "Coming Out about Your Spanking and DD Desires". There is the popular series The Free DD Guide and people have been using and sharing it as a DD Handbook or ADDS DD "How To" Guide. The ADDS site is being shared as a paradigm or template for people interested in learning about the Domestic Discipline lifestyle.  And one of the main focal points of ADDS is to present non-judgmental information for single and married people interested in, beginning DD, and living the DD lifestyle choice at all levels of experience.
I have been asked by members of ADDS, to write about married couples beginning a Domestic Discipline Marriage and single people seeking a DD relationship. The information provided on these two ideas is not mutually exclusive. Although these two cannot happen at the same time, the information provided can be useful to both. In this first of two articles on the subject, we'll be discussing Domestic Discipline Marriage and married couples beginning a DD marriage.
If you're a married couple just beginning your DD lifestyle journey and learning about Domestic Discipline principles and practices, then there is usually one partner who has brought up the subject of needing this unique lifestyle choice as part of the relationship. They have "Come Out" to their loved one. What happens after someone comes out and your relationship begins the journey along the new path of a Domestic Discipline lifestyle?
 Those who are familiar with the DD community know that it is more often the TiH who "comes out" and brings up the subject of wanting a DD dynamic within their marriage. This gives the prospective HoH a little bit of a disadvantage. There is an odd dichotomy forming from the beginning. The ideas, terminologies and practices are new and their partner has asked not only for such things as spankings, accountability, structure, help attaining goals and other well known DD principles, but also for the possible HoH to take on a more encompassing Dominant leadership role. If they are suppose to lead, make the final decisions and direct the relationship, they need to learn about the DD lifestyle very quickly. But anything done too "quickly" in the beginning of this relationship style can be detrimental to long term success. It doesn't help if their TiH partner already has preconceived or set thoughts of what they want their spouse to be and become. The TiH has also most certainly been reading about the subject of a Domestic Discipline lifestyle dynamic for at least a few months or much longer. All too often, right after the TiH partner acquiesces any leadership responsibility, they then start dictating what should happen next. They try to begin to mold the HoH into what they have been reading about and what they have been envisioning their spouse would be. The new HoH is sometimes receiving a mixed message. 
So who is actually leading the relationship?

HoHs: What is the new HoH to do after their partner has Come Out to them?

If they agree and are going to lead the relationship they need to learn about the lifestyle dynamic. Taking time to read and opening general and also specific DD discussions are a good beginning. No one who has been living a DD lifestyle dynamic will tell you that the HoH HAS to know more then their TiH partner when they are beginning. Asking the TiH what and where they have been reading and getting their DD information is also a great idea. The TiH partner doesn't and shouldn't have to forget everything they've been learning independently before "coming out", they just need to offer the information to their new HoH in an open and helpful manner. After all, starting with the more submissive partners needs and having them present one goal they need help with, are the best ways to start a new DD relationship dynamic. 
(Refer to the "Where to Start, Beginning your DD Lifestyle Together article for details)
From the information received, it will help to set aside appropriate time to begin a reading list.
There is a new opportunity that then arises when both partners begin learning together. Discussing and strengthening communication skills using the new information, becomes and important part of your new DD lifestyle dynamic. These are the first building blocks that solidify the foundation of your DD home.

But what happens when the HoH needs to ask a few questions or might need a little friendly advice beyond what they are reading? Some people find a mentor figure helpful. But the problem is finding a good Mentor. It's common sense that a DD Mentor should be someone with much more experience in the DD lifestyle. And it's very important that the mentor figure be someone who is trustworthy, discreet and shares their thoughts and experience freely without judgement or asking for anything in return. It is also helpful for new HoHs to open communication with other HoHs who are also beginning even if they only have less then two or three years of experience. But a true Mentor should have at the very least 5 years of continuous experience or much more, and have been mentored by an experienced mentor when they were learning about DD or learning how to mentor others. Imagine if you're sick and need medical attention. Do you go to see a doctor, or someone who wants to be one, or is learning how to become a doctor someday?
Be wary of those who approach you and keep giving advice without your asking for it or seeking it out. Also be careful of those who tell you all about their intimate moments or ask for details about your more intimate moments or spanking sessions. That is not necessary and to be quite honest, it's kind of creepy! 
There are horror stories of all kinds about people who seem so nice at first, but then become very controlling of you, your time, your spouse or your relationship. An experienced HoH will never become controlling. They know from experience that it is counter productive to the your learning curve. Giving several suggestions based on a wide variety of experiences and years of knowledge is something that will be most helpful. The new HoH can either take the friendly advice, take it in part, or decide to try something their own way once they have gathered the information they were asking about. It's their decision, they are the leader within their own relationship. They are the HoH of their relationship and make the final decisions, not the Mentor.  If someone starts out as even a little controlling, beware. If they are "telling" rather then "suggesting and sharing" they will become more and more controlling as they become closer to you.

Suggestions on where to start: (links for some reading material at bottom of this page) 

* Ask a lot of questions.
* Start with strengthening communication skills.
* Start Sit Down Discussions twice a week. Set day and times. (SitDDs are vital)
* Have your spouse begin a TiH List and ask them to formally ask you for help with one item from the list.
* Gather & organize all the information about where your spouse has been learning about DD.
* Set aside time to read and learn about beginning your DD dynamic.
* Buy nothing. Everything you need to begin is free online and shared by others with altruistic intentions.
* If you decide on using a mentor figure, wait until you have at least a little knowledge of what DD means to you personally. This way, when you ask questions, you'll be able to hear if they know what they're talking about from knowledge and experience.

TiHs: After Coming Out to your HoH, what is a TiH to do next?

It's time to take on a new role that you may have only been dreaming about or wanting through reading and imagining what this lifestyle relationship choice would be like in your own marriage. What is imagined does not always come through in real life exactly the way it was imagined. Start with an open mind and be prepared that not each and every thing that has been preconceived before "coming out" will come true right away, or even in the exact way you wanted. There are now two peoples thoughts and needs and wants to be considered in reality. 
Part of a DD dynamic is giving the HoH in the relationship, the final decision making responsibility. Of course, that is after discussion and weighing all information, but there will be decisions made and ultimately you'll need to acquiesce. Decisions that in the past might have been an ongoing disagreement and possibly started a resentment are now an opportunity for communication, discussion and a final decision. Communication skills will usually come first then working on spanking ideas,  past resentments or dishonesty can come after you have strengthened negotiation and communication. Your opinions, feelings, thoughts and wants will be considered with the highest importance within a successful DD relationship dynamic. A real HoHs focus is on you, the relationship as a whole and what is best for the household. It is not a selfish position but a loving and caring responsibility. That won't mean you will agree with every decision. To maintain a tranquil household, the HoH sometimes has to make a decision that they feel will best lead the relationship and household in the right direction. 
Are you ready to be completely supportive even when your HoHs decision isn't realized exactly as planned?

The moment you "come out" is the start of something brand new for both of you. No longer is this a secret or an unrealized dream. You are both starting something new at that moment. You may have been the one who has been reading about DD for awhile. But you will soon know that reading about and living it out... are very different.
Reading about others who are living or beginning a DD lifestyle is very helpful. And there is a growing number of such blogs and information available. But keep in mind when you begin, your new HoH has probably not read any of the information yet and people kindly sharing information may be further along in their relationship dynamic. They might have even taken a useful direction for them, that might not be the right way for your relationship. It will take time and patience for you and your spouse to create your own individual DD home. Look for commonalities and be open minded with aspects that are slightly different then your own. Being supportive and sharing what you have been reading with your the new HoH will be beneficial when starting out. Your new HoH may decide they have their own favorites and like different pieces of information then you do. That is not a negative, that is a positive opportunity to open discussions and seek common ideas within what each of you like to read. Of course, it's nice to find open minded information that you both agree on, and start from there.
Even if you have been the one to "come out", you are both starting something brand new from that moment forward. Each of you need to learn at your own pace and gather information and share it with each other in an individual way inherent within your own relationship.
You have "Come Out" and you each have many new things to learn. I would suggest finding supportive ways to help your spouse develop tools and make your partners learning experience as unobstructed as possible. The decision has been made, you're moving forward, they are taking a more open leadership position. Sometimes then new TiH will unintentionally start leading and taking control of how the couple learns about this new relationship style. Obviously that is counterproductive and confusing for the new HoH. When a new TiH asks their perspective HoH to become a more active partner by taking on the responsibility of leadership and decision making, then tries to be the leader, it can slow the process way down to a crawl. It can also create new stumbling blocks in place of what should be building blocks. The more you become a supportive and positive influence within your new HoHs leadership role, the deeper the meaning of what was discussed when you "came out" will become. Be a supportive part of how your new HoH decides to learn and the direction and pace they decide to take your relationship along this new pathway to a tranquil home. You have asked for and agreed to their role as the HoH in a DD lifestyle marriage. Now is time to take on the supportive and caring role as the TiH within your new DD lifestyle and support the creation of where your HoH will lead your relationship.

If the "spanking" element has been titillating up to this point, you may be a little taken back when you learn through living a DD dynamic, that a true DD lifestyle is more about the relationship, communication, a tranquil home and living an honest self. The spanking aspects don't have to be the first things your HoH wants to work on. Especially the Punishment Spanking. That is something that is usually worked up to after your HoH learns more about DD, your needs and  your tolerance levels. Communication skills need to be worked on first so the two of you can properly express your feelings and expectations to each other about what each area in a DD lifestyle means to you as individuals. Spanking is only one piece of the DD puzzle.

Your asking them to make a change, they have begun that change and they in turn might be asking you to change your preconceived thoughts of what you expected as a starting point.
It's sometimes said that a TiH helps lead by supportive submission or thoughtful acquiescence.

Suggestions of supportive ways to help your new HoH with their role.

* Prepare how and when is the best time and place to have the "Coming Out" discussion.
* Be sharing with what you may have been reading leading up to "Coming Out"
* Be prepared and open to your new role and supportive of their new leadership role.
* Be open to the direction your HoH decides to lead your new DD style of a relationship.
* Understand that your new HoH will need time to read and gather information.
* Learn to walk before you run. Be patient and supportive at all times.
* Continue sharing your thoughts and feelings, focusing on building & strengthening your communication skills.
* Be open and honest. It's ok to wait until you have begun to strengthen communication skills before bringing up Disciplinary Actions, spanking, past resentments or past dishonesty.

You have begun, taken your leap of faith and you are over the Starting Line.
There may be some set backs, but there will definitely be many accomplishments along with big and small steps & leaps forward... expect "I Get It" and Light Bulb Moments"
There is no true Finish Line. Continued knowledge, learning, a more tranquil home and growing closer together is a continuous reward.

DD Mentors. I hope this information is helpful while assisting someone Coming Out, or helping those starting their journey along their DD path. If you would like information how to use The Free DD Guide as a Mentoring tool, please email me. 

Related reading material on ADDS:
*read all Series chronologically from bottom article ^Up

Beginning DD Research >>> The Beginning DD Research Series
"Where to Start: Beginning Your DD Lifestyle Together" >>> The Free DD Lifestyle Guide
>>> KEYS to Your DD Lifestyle Relationship
>>> *** Beginning DD Series *** 
>>> Jillian Keenan's Modern Love, NYT article


  1. Anonymous12/22/2012

    This site is packed with such great information. I found it 3 months ago and I am a person who has been using the free DD guide here. After 2 years of struggling on and off with DD we now have have a guide that works for us. No more struggling. Thank you.

    1. I am so glad you find the Free DD Guide useful and helpful. You are very welcome, from the bottom of my heart.

  2. This wonderful Mr BB, some great advice. I will have to come back for a re-read.

    Rick and I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas


    1. Thanks Roz! Wishing you a very Happy Holiday! :)

  3. Anonymous12/23/2012

    I am about to come out about needing DD to my husband of 6 years.
    I found this blog 2 months ago and your experience pours from your words. I have been reading about DD for over a year and I will be emailing you and using the free guide you wrote. ~Nervous TiH

    1. The ADDS Free DD Guide is there for you to use in any way you find most helpful and I'm always happy to help. And thank you for the eloquent and kind words of support. No need to be too "nervous" you're surrounded by helpful and caring people, and you'll be using a time tested process.

  4. Great article, and packed full of excellent information as usual. Great work MrBB. Going to ask the HoH to read this, as I think this will be very helpful :)

    Thank you, and wishing you and yours, a very Merry Christmas

    1. You're very kind, thank you M3. I hope your HoH will find it interesting also. Merry X-mas and the Happiest of Holidays!

  5. Fantastic reading MrBBSpanker!
    So much information for us who have decided that Domestic discipline is what is right for us.
    It's great to find ideas and guidance from such great and informative sites as this one.
    Season's Greetings
    Jack and Jill

    1. Thanks Jill, I greatly appreciate that and so glad you find the ADDS site so helpful :)

  6. Five weeks into Dd and I can actually see and understand that spanking is, in fact, a very small part of the dynamic. For Starman and I, communication is probably the most important factor at the moment. We are lucky, we have a very strong foundation to our marriage, but it's surprising how complacent you can get; how you can take so many things for granted. And if you are not careful, you can end up like two very good flat-mates instead of a couple. It's surprisingly difficult to be submissive when you are used to being a joint leader. Starman gives me a "warning" glance, or says "Stop", or even sometimes tells me that he is the one making a decision. We are now working on "honesty" in our relationship. When he asks me something and I waver, he tells me to "Be honest", and it is much more difficult than in the past, because I know that if I want to do this properly, I can no longer tell 'white lies'. I must be truthful. Remember the film "Lie-er Lie-er" - white lies are the most difficult, and can be just as destructive.

    We have a weekly 'discussion' for communication and a spanking session that not only serves as a maintenance/reminder, but is also helping to ascertain my tolerance levels. Starman is quickly learning how to spank, and I am practising my submission, getting rid of my stress, and discovering that even if it hurts I am the opposite of resentful, and look forward to the cuddles afterwards.

    Each of your postings is more helpful than the last. Thank you so very much - and a Very Happy New Year to you!

    Hugs, Ami

    1. Hi Ami, Starting with strengthening communication and then working on other aspects like honesty or experimenting with spanking once your communication skills are heightened is a good and patient way to begin. It's only been five weeks, keep proceeding patiently :)

  7. Anonymous1/24/2013

    Reading your site and posts like this one is like taking a tour all around DD subjects from different perspectives.

  8. do you make tapes of how to get started? my husband dont read but i can get him to listen to a tape, I desir discipline

  9. Anonymous6/28/2013

    I have been researching this for some time. I found it rather interesting because there are many aspects in my life that I would like to work on. I have always been controlling and I want to relinquish that control. Since I have started reading up on this, I have noticed that I am easier to get along with. I liked me better. I know that I need help to become a better, more submissive wife. I need my husband to hold me accountable and direct me in the right direction. I mentioned DD to my husband about a week ago. He didn't say yes, but he didn't say no either. We revisited it tonight, and he said he was willing to try. Thank you so much for all the information on getting started. I know that it will be long process, but am excited to give it a try.

  10. Anonymous11/26/2013

    I would love some more information of this, I have been reading articles onlines and is definitely interesting to me. I was wondering if I could get more information for the hubby. I dont really think hes feeling it, why i have no clue he isnt the one getting disciplined.LOL

  11. Great information. Wish I had this about a year ago. This is informative and gives opportunity for reflection as to how this looks in your personal relationship. While spankings have their role, it is truly the communication that has improved for us both. Thank you for clarifying misconceptions.

    1. Thank you & thanks for popping in and sharing your thoughts with us Annabelle :)


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