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Domestic Discipline is Consensual: DD is Loving

In light of the recent difficulties that have been presented to the DD Community, it became evident that we as a community need to continue to seek out and present the truth of what a Domestic Discipline really IS vs what it is NOT. ADDS was built on sharing and exploring the commonalities of what DD is all about. We had no need to delve into asking if DD was abusive in any way because everyone knew that one of the most important aspect that defines DD is that DD is consensual. Because of a horrible article we now find it necessary to explore one area that DD is NOT. DD is NOT abusive in any way, or it is not DD.

While waiting for more information about the aforementioned article, I continued researching and investigating the subject. I found an article on a blog called The Disciplined Feminist titled DD vs Abuse -- A Comparison. Succinctly titled, and I liked that it was written by a woman named Vivian in 2006. It's not a blog that's been updated often in the past couple years, but I contacted Vivian and she turns out to be a very nice person, who admittedly said she hadn't even thought about that post in a long time and wondered if it was still relevant.
I assured her, more now then ever, her article was very relevant.
I asked if I could share it with the DD community through the ADDS site and she warmly gave her permission. It is presented below in it's exact form.

DD vs Abuse -- A Comparison
by Vivian of The Disciplined Feminist

Abuse is nonconsensual. Domestic Discipline (DD) is consensual.

Abuse comes from a place of rage and emotional sickness. DD comes from a place of love and respect.

Abuse is about cutting off communication between two people. DD requires constant communication between partners.

Abuse is about lack of self-control on the part of the abuser. DD requires a high-degree of emotional control on the part of the disciplinarian.

Abuse is initiated by the abuser and women do not ask to be abused. DD is almost always initiated by the woman, who requests this lifestyle from her partner as something she wants and needs.

Abuse has no limits and is therefore life-threatening and dangerous. DD has defined well-defined and negotiated limits that keep both parties safe at all times.

Abuse can occur anywhere, anytime on any part of a woman's body with any weapon. DD occurs in private, and corporal discipline is confined to safe areas of the body with safe, traditional disciplinary implements only.

After an abusive episode, a woman feels terrified, exhausted and worthless. After a DD disciplinary session, a woman generally feels safe, relaxed, loving and empowered.

Abusers put on a "nice" face in public, but are cruel in private. Men in DD

 relationships are good men in public and in private and strive to treat their partners and others with respect at all times.

Women in abusive relationships are afraid of their abusers. Women in DD relationships are not afraid of their partners.

Women in abusive relationships are taught that they are worthless. Women in DD relationships are taught they they are precious, worth loving and important.

Women in abusive relationships "obey" their partners out of fear of abuse. Women in DD relationships "obey" their partners out of a genuine love and respect.

Women in abusive relationships suffer from low self-esteem and lack of confidence. Women in DD relationships seem to experience an unusually high level of self-esteem and confidence.

Abusers will not stop the abuse if it causes trauma. Men in DD relationships will immediately stop any discipline if there is evidence of traumatic reaction.

Women in abusive relationships become increasingly more helpless. Women in DD relationships usually become increasingly empowered.

Abuse flourishes ONLY in the absence of love, trust and respect, while DD is a choice that can only be made out of love, trust and mutual respect.

Domestic Discipline is consensual or it is not a DD relationship. It's that simple. It starts out as consensual and remains consensual at all times. People who include a DD dynamic in their relationship abhor abuse in any form. I believe this may be because we  are more aware to NOT cross any line or boundary. We study what is consensual. We talk to our DD friends and seek out information and make sure our relationships stay within the consensuality they were built upon. 
One of the important aspects of starting out consensually is that the TiH partner is the first one to bring up a goal that they ask their HoH for help in obtaining. There might be more then one objective or goal that the couple discusses, but it's important to note that working on consensuality and communication are vital especially for beginners.
You'll find an article on the ADDS blog called Where to Start: Beginning your DD Lifestyle Together, it's the first one after the ADDS Overview & Links, and it's the first one in the Free DD Lifestyle Guide. It also happens to be something written years ago and can be found on all the ADDS discussion groups since the time it was written dating back years. It has only been updated a few times since then, but one thing has never changed, DD needs to begin patiently from consensuality. 
In the "Where to Start"  article, you'll find that it's the TiH who brings forth the first goals that they would like to personally achieve. It clearly states that it is ill advised to start with some list of rules from the HoH in order to fix a broken partner. The inexperienced advice that comes from things like, how to spank your partner, lists of rules, implements, spanking positions, punishment, dominance, a spanking weekend to kick it off, etc etc etc... will inevitably leave a couple in a place of frustration and inconsistency.

The structure that DD begins with the TiH bringing forth the first goal and the couple using communication, negotiation and patience to achieve consistency and consensuality has been lost somewhere along the way. DD is more about relationship structure and accountability then spanking, but those ideals seem to have been lost too.
In my experienced opinion, if we don't get back to what DD has always been, our community will remain open to uneducated ridicule and accusations like the ones we have seen recently.

UPDATE: There is a Community DD Discussion going on this week in The DD Chat Room! The DD Community Chatroom (Rules/Entry/Password Page)
Related Reading Links:
* Domestic Discipline Lifestyle Definition
* Domestic Discipline Relationship Characteristics
Characteristic of a Head of Household (HoH)
Domestic Discipline Appreciation & Reaffirmation
Beginning Domestic Discipline Plan & Process
What is Christian Domestic Discipline? A CDD Description 
Domestic Discipline: Experienced HoHs Perspective on DD Core Values & Home
HoH: Head of Household Rules (part of Free Guide/ not a list but info on how to create rules consensually)
Beginning DD (Series)
Keys to DD (Series)
Free DD Lifestyle Guide (Series/Guide)


  1. MrBB,
    I am so very glad you touched on this very important subject! Abuse has absolutely no place within a DD relationship. They are distinctly different! It is through open and honest communication and a tremendous amount of mutual respect that DD can enhance a couple's loving relationship. It is only with these components that consensual correction can be applied to mutually agreed upon 'expectations', 'rules' or 'goals'.
    Thank you once again for a a great post!

    1. I agree wholeheartedly. And how a person first learns or how a couple begins is so important. The information used needs to come from a relationship and consensual aspect first and foremost.

  2. Well put MRBB.

    DD is not abuse, from all the blogs that I have read there is not one that s ever said they are afraid of their spouse or the spankings that they might get for a rule that has been broken, only sorrow that they saw the hurt on the others face.
    From what I have read from these gals I would feel sorry for the man that tried to be abusive.

    1. I agree. I think the men and women who live a DD lifestyle are more aware of what is and is not consent and consensual because we talk about it publicly and privately.

  3. Anonymous7/29/2013

    I remember that article--I read it back then, and found it helpful. Occasionally someone writes in with legitimate concerns, and I'm happy to answer a sincere question. But I don't defend myself, ever, at angry accusers.

    I opened my blog back up recently and anyone can read if they like.

    1. You're one of the few of us that was around then and still active online Mick!
      I can count the crazy emails on one hand and that goes back to all ADDS groups going way back. I actually make an extra special effort to clearly explain things to some others who have legitimate questions that might include some concerns also.
      I have often heard you give solid email advice Mick, and it's easy to see why.

    2. Anonymous7/30/2013

      Didn't know I had a rep for it.

    3. You have a positive rep for it! :)

  4. Anonymous8/12/2013

    Just found a new blog a couple of weeks ago by a husband and wife just starting out....through reading their posts over a two year period I saw that at one point she was being verbally attacked by someone ignorant to the lifestyle and insisting she was being abused and that she was this awful person for allowing this to happen and for praising this behavior in her blog. My heart broke for her. This post is beautiful MrBB.

    1. Yes, I have seen those ignorant style comments on blogs before. Sad. But I haven't seen much of that recently, until after June 19th. People started having trouble again after that, some quit blogging and some went private.
      I understand your feelings, my heart is breaking at what is happening to this wonderful and caring community.
      And thank you kindly for the compliment Hanne.
      We love having you as part of our caring and supportive chat room, see you there soon :)

  5. Anonymous9/20/2015

    I loved this post . Actually it describes the background of the need for a woman when trying to live the lifestyle DD . In that opposed not only make clear the difference in the two situations , but secondarily reflects the soul of Domestic Discipline. love, communication and for sharing respeto.Gracias


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