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Domestic Discipline Relationship Consistency is ONE of the 3C's of DD

Consistency is something that is discussed in every DD discussion group, DD chat room and on every DD blog written. It most commonly comes up from those who are beginning and wondering why they have hit a road block. Usually after the honeymoon period of about three months and during the first year of living a DD dynamic, the reality of this relationship choice begins to settle in, and it becomes evident that it takes dedication & Consistency.

Within this site, and every ADDS group going back to 2005, there has always been an open emphasis on Consent, Communication and Consistency, the 3C's of DD that form The DD Relationship Foundation. Consent is mentioned throughout everything discussed and Communication has been a major theme also... so it's time to discuss Consistency through Consent and Communication. 


One of The 3C's of DD is Consistency. After a couple starts a DD style relationship or one partner in an existing relationship Comes Out about wanting and/or needing a DD dynamic in their relationship, Consent and what each person believes that means to them as an individual and couple is discussed. 

After Consent is discussed, understood and given and Communication has begun, SitDDs are implemented and there is an initial plan in place that includes tools, the process of continuation through Consistency will begin all by itself. Inevitably, some gaps in the theories discussed initially will begin to surface. It always happens. Not to worry, this is a normal part of the process of including the DD lifestyle choice as part of your relationship. Working on openly communicating through honesty will bring up certain vulnerabilities and past defense mechanisms may reappear. It's in these areas, the discussions that come from them, and communicating through difficulties successfully, that will build an even closer relationship into the future.

It's not uncommon for one partner to slide back to a Vanilla relationship style power struggle vs a consensual Lifestyle Power Exchange. One person may want to control or manipulate how the other will live their new role or learn about their role. Preconceived notions of how your partner will live out their role within a DD relationship become less about theory, and the reality that your partners needs and how they feel about living their new role becomes more prevalent. Just because someone has thought about living this dynamic for a long time, does not mean the new partner will agree completely. 

For example: A person has wanted to live as a TiH in a DD relationship for a long time. They have researched the subject and have Come Out to their partner. The partner researches the role of HoH and agrees, communication opens and both Consent to moving forward as HoH & TiH in a DD style relationship. Shortly thereafter, the new HoH isn't living their role exactly as the TiH partner had previously imagined. This is normal, these are the gaps that need to be communicated through. Without a set Communication process Consistency will begin to break down.

Blaming a partner or wanting them to conform to preconceived ideas of what "their" role should be are Red Flags to keep an eye out for...

Concerns that begin with "You" arise. "You" don't do this, or "You" don't do that, become nonconstructive parts of a persons thought process. If the "You or They" thoughts are something that is beginning to create road blocks, replace them with "I" thoughts. For example, "I" need to listen to my partners needs and thoughts of how their new role fits them best. "I" need to accept that how I imagined my partners new role, may not be the same as how they need to live their new role in reality. This can then lead to replacing statements that began with "You" with statements that begin with "I". Statements like "YOU need to... (do this or that)", can become statements like "I would appreciate if you'd consider... (this idea or that idea)"

Communication needs be of a fully consensual nature to insure consistency into the future.
Yes, the HoH is the leader, but not a dictator. Especially in the beginning of a DD relationship or re-setting or revitalizing a DD dynamic, it's important to build positive and consensual communication tools. As a DD relationship matures through time, and both partners needs are being met more readily, a re-negotiation of the Power Exchange can be addressed and more final decision making responsibility can be given to the HoH if that's what is wanted or needed. 

When openly honest communications begins, forgiveness needs to be included as something important in order to continue forward. Without forgiveness the honesty needed during discussions will become too difficult to continue. Also without forgiveness, old resentments may linger and begin to resurface after the initial excitement of beginning a new relationship dynamic. Cracks in the DD Foundation and a lapse in consistency can occur if these issues are not addressed in a calm and caring fashion.

Here are some questions to ask that might be helpful:
* Have you reviewed Consent with your partner?
* As a couple, are you continuing with your Communication plan and scheduled Sit Down Discussions?
* Have you as a couple accepted Forgiveness into the honest and open communication process?
* Have you started fresh through your Communication plan and forgiveness and released all old resentments from the past?

You may have noticed I didn't bring up the "consistency" of how often spanking is administered in a DD relationship.  If a Domestic Discipline lifestyle is begun from an over emphasis on rules and spanking and not enough focus on the long term reality of the semantics within the relationship, the issue of Consistency will appear earlier and more often. 
Play and have fun while experimenting with the "spanking" side of your new relationship dynamic. Disciplinary aspects of spanking can come along more slowly and patiently through the process. This serves a few purposes. Especially if the HoH is new, they'll need time to learn how to spank their partner in different ways for different reasons for different outcomes in different situations with different inflections and intentions.... the possibilities here are endless. Also, among other purposes, is the fact that coming up with effective rules that actually work well, takes time and solid communication first. 

If at anytime Communication begins to become sporadic or inconsistent in any way, Consistency will suffer and re-setting Consent and the Communication plan is needed immediately. Having a mutually understood DD Foundation and being able to review ones Consent and your Communication plan is a positive leap forward toward continued closeness and Consistency in your DD relationship.

Related Article Links:
* Domestic Discipline Foundation & The 3C's of DD* Domestic Discipline Lifestyle Definition
Domestic Discipline Reaffirmation & Appreciation
Domestic Discipline Relationship Characteristics: Ethics are a Key to DD
Domestic Discipline Forgiveness
Beginning Domestic Discipline Plan & Process / Your DD Plan
Domestic Discipline Marriage: Beginning a DD Marriage
Characteristics of a Head of Household (HoH)

Related Series Links (Chronologically, after clicking, read each Series from bottom article Up)
Haven't Come Out yet? Begin here >>  Coming Out about DD & Spanking (Series)
Come Out & now Researching? >> DD Research Series
Researching & Ready to Begin, Re-Set or Revitalize > The ADDS DD Lifestyle Guide
Working Together, more in-depth DD Relationship Keys > Keys to DD
Beginning Recap and Review Series > Beginning DD & All DD Article for Review


  1. This is a great post Mr BB and great advice. I think we all fall into the trap of having our own ideas of how our partner 'should' act in their role and what they should and shouldn't do etc.

    Consistency and communication are so important. I think too that we hear much about consistency on the part of the HoH. However, it is just as important for the TiH to remain consistent. Something Rick has pointed out to me on occasion!


    1. Thanks Roz! Rick is right! lol Yeah yeah.... we HoHs stick together, but it's true :)
      It's just as important for the TiH to be Consistent too!

  2. I, too, think this is excellent, as I have seen the topic resurface again and again, as well as seeing a literal library of advice on the subject.

    I think one of the main problems is that you have three different "starting out" scenarios to consider. The first is a man with a dominant personality who introduces Dd to his spouse; the second is when for various reasons such as a breakdown in their relationship and constant arguments etc a couple decide that they would like to try Dd in order to save their marriage/relationship; and finally a woman happens upon the dynamic, reads about it, and finally convinces herself that it would be a good thing, and then she introduces it to her poor unsuspecting husband/partner.

    Each of these three scenarios will have totally different outcomes for the couples involved, and it seems to me that it is the last one of the three with the most problems re consistency.

    Whilst I know it to be very important, I do have a worry that it could become obsessive, and therefore the other areas of the dynamic overlooked. Consistency can be enforced, but should never leave a couple with a feeling of monotony. I think you can still be consistent whilst introducing small changes - so perhaps "flexible consistency" is what is needed. Whilst Dan is still learning to "flex his muscles" in our version of Dd, and whilst, of course, I need to be able to rely on his judgement, I also need to appreciate that life has a way of throwing a spanner in the works, and instead of moaning, I need to learn patience and be able to make small adjustments instead of accusing him of inconsistency all the time. After all, he's done nothing but have patience, and make very large adjustments for me during this last year.

    Happy New Year to you Mr BB! Hope all is well!

    Many hugs

    1. My dear friend Ami.... oh my gosh you have come so far!!!
      YOU talking about the need to be patient... I love it!
      Seriously, very well presented ideas on the subject and I agree, some may need a more flexible approach (my personal teaching choice) and others may need a more strict approach.
      How a couple gets there through Consistent Communication and Consent is the key to a strong DD Foundation :)

  3. Hi Mr BB!

    I wrote quite a long comment yesterday, and now I see it has disappeared! Oh well.

    This is a very useful post, and as usual I have a lot to say. I think I may write a post myself as I see three ways of looking at consistency depending upon who initiated DD in the first place. I've observed, over the past year, how that initial approach can affect consistency in many ways. Trust me for adding a few sparks!

    Hope you are well and that you had a good Christmas. Happy New Year to you!

    Many hugs

    1. I would never delete a comment! lol Especially one of yours my friend :)
      I just wasn't here between the 7th and 8th.
      Hmmm.. maybe that compliment above about "patience" was too quick! LOL
      Just kidding :)

  4. Mr BB, I wrote the post if you would care to read it. I just can't seem to help myself being such a PICKLE! Now I am hoping Dan will completely forget about trying to be consistent!

    Many hugs

  5. In my humble opinion, I think that consistency is one of the most important thing for the husband to do. It keeps the respect and the wife can know that if she does A, she will get X. There are no things like the husband making up excuses. He needs to be firm and consistent even if the wife thinks she has a good reason for her wrong doing.

  6. This is absolutely a wonderful read. I am sending a link to a few people I know who will very much appreciate this.

    Thank you, and as always I so enjoy the writings here!!

    brat/mortuary chick

  7. Anonymous1/06/2016

    Mr. BB,

    A great post as usual. I have written to you before, but did not know how to post here other than anonymous. My name is Kim C. Consistency is huge. For me, DD only works if my husband is consistent and vigilant in monitoring my behavior. Yes, I need him to be strict with me. Otherwise, I am thinking that he either did not notice my behavior or does not care, that his rules are not important to him. Maybe he does not value my submission enough to enforce it and is not happy being our HOH. Although, I initially asked for the DD, it's important to me now that my husband insists on it. Does that make sense?

    One area where he is very consistent is that my husband spanks me hard. When I first hear of a pending punishment, I will be dreading the pain, which I know is inevitable. But at the same time, I will be proud of him. I will be sorry about the behavior, but glad that hubby has pointed it out to me and is going to punish me so that hopefully, I will not repeat offend. And this all comes from consistency

    Take Care,



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