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Domestic Discipline Key to DD: Patience

We've all heard that patience is a virtue. While patience is truly a virtue in life, patience is vital in a new, growing and continuing Domestic Discipline relationship. Patience is a Key to DD because we don't absolutely know how our partner, or future partner, will accept and intellectualize the information about what a Domestic Discipline lifestyle choice is in reality.
This is part seven of the ongoing ADDS Series, Keys to DD.

First, lets take a look at how Patience is a Key to DD for Couples:

As often happens, one partner in a Domestic Discipline relationship finds and researches information about how to Come Out, Research and begin a DD lifestyle dynamic. The Research process can sometimes continue for weeks, months and even longer. So, when the first partner does Come Out about DD desires and including a form of spanking into their relationship, they seem to have a distinct advantage. They are ahead in the process of obtaining and understanding the information pertaining to beginning a new role and relationship ethos. This is not always the advantage it may seem to be at first. The first partner may begin to formulate not only what their new roles will require, but also begin to decide ahead of times what the role of their partner needs be. Nothing wrong with imagining what their partners role might be if they are open to the idea that their partner might not feel the exact same way. In fact, most of the time after one person Comes Out, the other partner has very different views of what is being explained to them.
If the first person explains a DD lifestyle dynamic as being all about spanking, discipline & punishment then it might seem more like a fetish or kink then being about a real and viable relationship choice.
If the first person explains a DD lifestyle choice as being about the relationship and begins with information about consent, communication and commitment along with The Keys to DD, then the person receiving the information has the opportunity to view DD completely as a relationship choice that happens to also include spanking as one tool within the dynamic.
There is no guarantee how a person will absorb and understand the information presented to them when someone Comes Out about Domestic Discipline as a relationship foundation. They may not understand the idea at first, or they may be willing to open up and look further into their role in a DD relationship. Either way, or in any way they decide to accept the process and practices of a DD dynamic, the person who has Come Out and the person being Come Out to need to be patient with each other moving forward. It takes time to learn and grow slowly into each role. Even the first person who was doing the research before Coming Out, is starting from scratch in many ways also. What is read and what becomes reality are often completely different. Preconceived notions of what the other person is suppose to act like may be far from reality. The person who has just been Come Out to may have very different ideas what their partner's role should be, which for some reason often comes as a shock to the person who has Come Out!
The only guarantee a person Coming Out has, is that living a DD lifestyle dynamic will not be exactly as they planned it, if they over plan it.

This is where Patience comes in as a Key to DD. Patience and being open minded to each others ideas of forming a process & plan to grow and move forward is vital. Patience and open mindedness are the buffers and cushions early on in the process.
It's important that each person focuses on their own role first and foremost. If one partner tries to control the other person it will cause animosity and future resentment. It takes time and patience to understand the role of a HoH or TiH in a DD relationship. Even if the first person to research DD has preconceived ideas of what they want their partner to act like after they begin, that doesn't mean that's how the second person will understand their role. Some who have just learned about this lifestyle dynamic will need time to grow and learn at their own pace.
One example of what might happen is when the TIH partner researches DD first and then Comes Out to their perspective HoH partner. It is difficult at first if the new HoH doesn't  act and react as the new TiH imagined they would. It takes a lot of patience for the new TiH not to try and lead or even control the path the new HoH takes. After all, if the new TiH is dictating everything, who is really leading. It causes confusion when someone is asked to lead and then has no early leadership role. It's normal for the new HoH to take some time soak in all the new ideas.
The new HoH also needs to be patient while understanding that their partner is excited about the new journey they are embarking on and will want to talk about the new DD aspects of the relationship often.
One solution for the above mentioned scenario, and others similar to it, is the addition of Sit Down Discussions (SitDDs) early in the relationship. SitDDs have many purposes in a DD relationship. One purpose of  initiating SitDDs early in the process is it can reduce the anxiety of wondering how and when to continue bringing up DD discussions. Of course passing conversation is still wonderful, but having two dedicated times a week to sit and discuss the DD areas of the relationship takes a lot of pressure off and begins a form of consistency which is highly important moving forward.
Also, as hard as it may be, each person needs to patiently learn and live out their own role first. It's ok to suggest ideas for the other person, or show them some useful places to learn more, but not to excess. I have often heard and seen, as in the scenario above, the TiH envelops themselves into their role completely no matter what pace the new HoH is learning. This process can take a lot of patience, but it seems to work well. This usually brings the HoH around more quickly to seeing the benefits of this new relationship style. Much more quickly then the new HoH feeling like they have no leadership role yet, or are being constantly dictated to about who they are suppose to be and how they are suppose to act.

Patience is also a Key to DD for those who are Single and seeking:

When someone single finds and begins researching what a DD relationship can be for them in the future, it can be both enlightening and frustrating. Enlightening because they no longer feel alone in their thoughts about this kind of relationship dynamic and frustrated because because their alone. I know, it's an odd dichotomy. Often they want to rush out and try this lifestyle dynamic right away. It's just as important for someone single to be patient and take their time in researching and learning about Domestic Discipline. I receive a very large volume of mail from all the different ADDS groups and this site. One of the  questions I often receive is where can I find a partner. More specifically that they are new and also seeking a partner. Either way the first thing I try and express is a need to be patient and safe. Learn how to reach out and communicate in the lifestyle first. Research what it is that brought you to this particular area of the lifestyle and begin researching everything. That takes patience.
It happens all to often when someone begins to learn about DD and then is crushed when the first person they meet that seems to be their DD Match, is actually someone who is just telling them what they wanted to hear, but was not a real HoH or TiH. Standing back up, dusting one's self off and recommitting to learning more and researching further takes even more patience. The more knowledge a person has the more safe they become and the more easily they can see though someone who isn't exactly telling the truth about being interested in the same things. Patiently taking time to learn about a real life Domestic Discipline relationship will actually save time finding a partner who is really a HoH or TiH or at least interested to learn about Domestic Discipline and the roles of being a HoH or TiH.
From some of my younger friends and those that write, it seems like they are waiting to find a partner first, then start working on the DD part of things. Personally I think that's putting the cart before the horse. While there are many married couples who discover the DD relationship choice long after they are married and one Comes Out to the other and they live DD happily ever after, there are also many people who never are able to comfortably Come Out, or Come Out and their partner who is just not into DD at all. DD is definitely not for everyone. So, I would highly suggest that a single person patiently learn everything they can and diligently seek a DD Match for the future. Accept nothing less then what you truly need in your life.

In years of studying how people research and begin a DD relationship, I can honestly share that those who begin with, or learn how to begin with, a solid DD relationship foundation built on open communication and honesty have the highest rate of success into the future.

Related reading and research

Where to Start: Beginning your DD Lifestyle Together > ADDS Free DD Lifestyle Guide
Coming Out about Spanking & Domestic Discipline Desires
How to Start DD Research (Series)
Domestic Discipline Marriage: Beginning A Domestic Discipline Marriage 

This article is the latest in a continuing series titled: KEYS to a Domestic Discipline RelationshipAll of these below also make excellent SitDD topics.
1) Communication is a Key to DD
2) Domestic Discipline Honesty
3) Domestic Discipline Confession
4) Domestic Discipline Aftercare
5) Domestic Discipline Forgiveness
6) Domestic Discipline Relationship Characteristics: Ethics are a Key to DD


  1. Well said. Learning to be patient with ourselves and each other was so important, as was believing that where we were at the time was not where we would be forever. Most of us want it all NOW, and we want what it looks like others might have that we're not achieving. What we read can be idealistic. Real Dd marriages take hard work and are built over time...often lots of time!



    1. So very true Sara. It does take an ongoing commitment to continuing to learn new tools and ideas to move forward. And an ongoing commitment to strengthening what has already been working well also.

  2. I am such an impatient person. I try so hard to be super-woman that I worry, worry, worry if things don't go right the first time.

    I have learned that Dd gets not only to the "bottom" of the matter, but to the "heart" as well. We learn to peel back the layers and lay the very centre of our hearts bare to each other. It is an excruciatingly painful process. Yet everything to do with this dynamic is linked to honest communication, then giving the matter 360 degree thought before proceeding. If we rush at something new, like a bull at a gate, it has the propensity (excuse an English expression here) to go "tits up"!

    It is very strange, however, that our very best Sit Down Discussions only ever happen with the one person sitting down, and the other person looking at the floorboards. Now why could that be, I wonder?!



    1. Ami my dear friend :)
      You.... impatient? Never! lol
      My my, you have come so far since we first emailed. You nailed it when you mentioned that living a DD style relationship dynamic can be difficult because it's linked to honest communication. That's something that is not always easy, but as we all patiently build our communication skills, it becomes the heart of our dedicated and happy relationships :)

  3. Patience is huge in any relationship, but especially in DD. As an HOH who brought the idea of DD to my wife, I struggled thinking I was unusual or that this was a big problem. But patience was key in our relationship too, despite the difference of me bringing it up.

    So I gave her time. I had her read a number of things about DD and asked her opinion about them. In time, she came around and wanted to try it. It took patience and perseverance, but now she wouldn't want to live without it in our marriage (her words). Thanks for the post.

  4. You're very welcome, thank you for sharing here and thank you for stopping by foothills :)


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