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Domestic Discipline Rules: Examining, Building & Re-Organizing DD Relationship Rules

Rules, Goals and Aspirations... Where to begin building Domestic Discipline Relationship Rules.
A common discussion found throughout the DD community is about Rules. How to build DD Relationship Rules. Where to begin and how to continue. Later on, how to keep everything organized and working as a tool in the relationship dynamic instead of becoming a micromanaging mess where the TiH or HoH feel hemmed in instead of free in their choice to live a DD style relationship.

Domestic Discipline Rules are very individualized by each couple. There are lists out there that work for one couple but will cause frustration, break down communication and consistency for another couple. It is never a good idea to take a list of rules that another couple uses and try to force it into your own.

The DD Relationship Rules are built from the HoH Rules and TiH List. 

The TiH List

The TiH List is a tool for the TiH to work on ideas for the themselves and the HoH Rules List.
Used to brainstorm and prioritize ideas for what the TiH would like to work on.
Consists of goals and aspirations or rules they feel they need or want.
It's an evolving list where nothing is "set in stone"
The TiH List is an important part of Sit Down Discussions.
Consist of areas where the TiH would like to work on and ask their HoH for assistance.
Have ideas for future contributions to the HoH Rules List.  

The HoH Rules List

HoH Rules List is a there for the HoH and couple to refer to and use as a continuing and evolving tool.
The list is first formed from TiH goals and aspirations.
They areas a TiH would like to work on, and ask their partner to help them with for various reasons.
They are consensual and agreed upon by both partners.
They are manageable and up for re-negotiation and redefinition during Sit Down Discussions.
Built patiently through communication, there are also rules included slowly from the HoH role of the relationship.
The HoH contributions are discussed, agreed upon and added through time.
No rule is included as a control factor or as a way to "fix" a fault.
A rule or goal is meant as improvement for each person and the relationship as a whole. 

Although it sounds simple enough, in reality there are times when DD Relationship Rules can become cumbersome and unmanageable. If there are too many goals being worked on at one time, it can become confusing and unorganized. Working together is vital and if there isn't clear and defined path, it can lead to a feeling of inconsistency in the relationship and an over focus on correction instead of cohesion.
Formulating your HoH Rules List together is an important part of building Consent and strengthening communication skills.

Where to begin or re-organize a HoH Rules List:

Have a TiH List of goals.
- Begin with Tangible vs Non-Tangible factors for a TiH List
- Although there may be several goals, the TiH needs to prioritize one or two to begin
- Have TiH list ready for next Sit Down Discussion
Refer to: Where to Start: Beginning your DD Lifestyle Together

Have your Sit Down Discussion days and times set.
- One hour twice a week.
- Two hours a week is not a lot when working on strengthening your relationship
- After one or two years once a week might be acceptable in your relationship
Refer to: The Sit Down Discussion

Have a HoH Rules List plan in place for your next Sit Down Discussion:
- Use a process or categories to build your own rules & goals
- Suggested: The 5 categories outlined in 3D S&H
- Research HoH Rules List
The HoH Rules fall within The 5 DD Categories:
(3D S&H for short)
3D S&H - categories used when a HoH is beginning or organizing the HoH Rules List.

                                                                The categories are:
                                                                  1) Dishonesty
                                                                                        2) Disobedience
                                                                                        3) Disrespect 
                                                                                        4) Safety
                                                                                        5) & Health

The 3D S&H, is comprehensive, clear and complete. Just like HoH Rules need to be.

READ  & Refer to: HoH: Head of Household Rules

 After there is one or two goals used to begin with, deciding what are "spankable" offences, agreed upon Disciplinary Actions and the Progression of Discipline will come next.

Already have a HoH Rule List in place but it might need some fine tuning? Here are a few questions to ask before re-organizing the HoH Rules List:

* Taken in Hand (TiH) Partners:
Has your list of Rules or goals become too long?
Do you sometimes feel like you're walking on "egg shells"
Are the Rules used in your consensual dynamic all coming from the HoH side of the relationship?
Are you able to re-negotiate or help redefine rules during Sit Down Discussions?
Did your ideas, aspirations and goals come first, in the formation of the HoH Rules List?
Do you use a DD Calendar to help keep things organized for you & your HoH?

* Head of Household (HoH) Partners:
Do you have an updated list to refer to?
Is your list built from Consent through Communication to promote harmony and Consistency?
Did you and your partner build the list together?
When is the last time the list was re-organized as part of a Sit Down Discussion?
Is your list meant to build a stronger relationship or is is looking like a micro-management tool?
Does your TiH keep the TiH List, DD Diary and DD Calendar up to date?

More Related Reading Links for this article:
* Beginning Domestic Discipline Plan & Process / Your DD Plan
Progression of Discipline
The Tolerance LaDDer
Defining The TiH List and Introducing The DD Diary
Domestic Discipline Calendar

Further DD Related Research Links:
Domestic Discipline Lifestyle Definition
Domestic Discipline Foundation & The 3C's of DD
How to Start DD Research: What is DD to Me Resource & Eliminating Confusion


  1. Ms Kate10/27/2013

    Mr. BB,

    What a great reminder post for us. Just as relationships and lives evolve, it's important to keep our rules fined tuned as we change as a couple. We are striving to keep us both strong for one another. I will be bringing your post to our next sit-down to review with Morgan! Your posts are always very helpful in our journey. Keep them coming!

    1. Thank you kindly Kate.
      I have noticed a lot of people talking about their Relationship Rules recently and was hoping this was helpful and timely.

  2. Dommalin1/07/2016

    What a great website. My Husband and i are about to implement DD into our life. He is a very busy Man and so it falls upon me to write up the code of conduct and the concequences that follows. He is such a kind , giving Man and there are a few behaviors of mine that irritate him. I have gotten much better but i have hit a wall and he has agreed and seems enthusiastic to help me be a better wife for him. Thank you for the help and any suggestions are welcome :-)


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