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Domestic Discipline Lifestyle Community Sit Down Discussion

A Domestic Discipline Society  presents The Community Sit Down Discussion

Sit Down Discussions are a vital component of a Domestic Discipline lifestyle relationship or marriage. Communication is a Key to DD and SitDDs are the time proven tool to communicate specific DD thoughts & feelings within a new or experienced Domestic Discipline relationship. The DD Community SitDD is a new weekly "round table" style community discussion.

There is a new DD Community Chat Room and everyone has been using it to chat with friends, make friendships, ask specific DD based questions and get wonderful DD style ideas and answers. People from the DD community are welcome to use The DD Chat Room to lead DD focused discussions and ADDS has decided to start a weekly Community Sit Down Discussion. Check The DD Chat Room Sundays for information about each weeks discussion topic.

Sit Down Discussions are an integral component in creating a long term and successful DD relationship. Communication is the first Key to DD in a relationship, and opening up more communication to the community, based on DD education & knowledge sharing, is a benefit to the individual HoH/TiH, new & experienced couples and the entire DD assemblage. The Community SitDDs will be based on everything happening around, and pertaining directly to, the Domestic Discipline lifestyle. The ideas, questions and topics for the Community Sit Down Discussion will come directly from the community, ADDS email questions and ideas that have been sent in from ADDS Contributing Members.
The first Community Sit Down Discussion comes from an email that was chosen because it poses an important question that I've been asked many times over years and has been asked even more often over the past few months in the DD community through blog posts, the ADDS email inbox and in The DD Chat Room. 
The email presented was received 2/2513 represents several other emails recently. It was sent in by a fellow blogger & Contributing Member to the DD community named Cathie. She writes a wonderful new DD blog named CookiemonsterswifeThank you Cathie for sending in this interesting and very important query and agreeing to have it presented here in an effort to help others with similar questions.

Below is an email from the ADDS Mailbag, chosen to represent many sent in recently:

Mr BB,
Hi, it is Cathie from cookiemonsterwife (CMW for short) and I am writing to you because I am struggling to understand my HoH Vic in an area of this lifestyle. First some background. I brought DD to our relationship not to long ago, (less than 6 months). It took a bit but we are settling in until recently and although we have discussed this he was matter of fact with his response and although I disagree I have keep silent about it and let it be, then I read your article about DD core values and have inserted a portion below.

I believe it takes a Dominant HoH time to gain the knowledge, empathy & compassion needed to understand their role of self sacrifice, nurturing, patience, firmness and discipline. In this time they learn how to properly & appropriately correct behavior that the TIH has brought forward in areas they would like to improve within themselves or toward goals and aspirations they would like to achieve.

 In the beginning we discussed areas I wanted to improve upon for myself, along with the D's - Vic was comfortable starting there and we agreed rules would be added as he saw fit, again all is well(bumpy but well). A couple of weeks back I fell off the wagon and did not focus on my areas of improving along with breaking one of Vic's agreed rules. When I broke Vic's rule I was punished probably one of my worse spankings to date not because I didn't focus on my area of improving but because I broke a Vic rule. On our weekly planned DD talk (we talk frequently but have a time set aside each week that is strictly DD focused) we discussed the spanking and the lack of me being focused on my goals. Vic's response was that I was punished for breaking his rule (I don't disagree with that) but he was not going to punish me for my goals that I set for myself. :(  Now I am feeling shafted, like wow this is one sided, what am I getting from this. It has been 2 weeks and needless to say there has been no focus on my goals what so ever. We brushed the topics again and again he said those were goals I set for myself blah blah blah. I feel like if I could accomplish those goals myself or motivate myself I would not of brought them to his attention and ask for his help and to hold me accountable. So what am I to do, he is not a tyrant by any means, but how can my well being and health not be a main focus to him or us for that matter but falling asleep with the remote in bed is. Not what I was spanked for but none the less a rule. Can you offer me any advise?
I am a loyal reader, you offer such wonderful advise and provide a wealth of information.

Here's MrBBSpankers answer for Cathie w/ a little additional info for the DD Community.
Hello Cathie,
Based on just what you have written: Since you're new, I would make the friendly suggestion to have two Sit Down Discussions (SitDDs) a week and during the next one bring up your concerns. The info you quoted from the Core Values article is something I wrote many years ago as one piece of my Introduction to a DD group, was originally written as part of a DD lecture/workshop, and is close to my heart. Starting with the TiHs aspirations, needs and goals compared to a HoHs long list of "rules" is one of the ways DD has differed in the past compared to some recent misinformation being "put out there" recently. Thankfully things are changing as more and more experienced people share solid information. Within The DD Guide and one of the early posts on the ADDS groups it was discussed how to begin in a consensual way that will later help solidify your DD Foundation. Before your foundation can used as something solid to rely on, you'll need to get back to the basics and start from the beginning. Too often those who are new want to jump ahead and get into the spanking, domination, submission ilks of the relationship instead of starting from understanding WHY one partner has brought the DD lifestyle to the other. What were the deep feelings that resounded within them? How is this choice better for them then another and what is the new role of the partner who has just been "Come Out" to. It's seems over simplified, but knowing your TiH Characteristic and your partners HoH Characteristics are vital to understanding and agreeing on your DD Relationship Core Values. Oddly enough, I am currently writing the article that comes next in the "Where to Start", Characteristic, Core Values line of articles and it's about the DD Foundation, more specifically beginning DD Foundation and how to get there. 
Very basically to get there, the partner Come Out "to" needs to agree, catch up read and learn. The partner who has "Come Out" needs to be patient and supportive. Then each HoH & TiH need tools, the couple needs a plan and then they need an understanding of who they are, where it coincides with their ideas about a DD relationship, what they need and where they envision their relationship in the future. The HoH and TiH can find the plan & tools methodically laid out in the ADDS DD Guide. The DD Guide was developed to be basic enough to easily follow along, difficult enough to challenge and elicit specific discussions, and meant to be followed to begin (or restart) then built upon individually by each couple as they grow into the unique paradigm of their Domestic Discipline lifestyle relationship dynamic.
When the basic tools have first been gathered, then it's possible to clear the land and make way for your own foundation. This is when you begin to use your SitDDs to discuss The DD Guide and the individual HoH & TiH Characteristics, then on to DD Relationship Core Values, then your DD Foundation while mixing in SitDDs focused on The Keys to DD. I can tell you with confidence and experience, this recipe of communication & tools works.

You might notice, nowhere in the beginning do I suggest how to spank or when, how hard, how often or anything in that area. The disciplinary aspects of spanking as part of a new DD relationship will come along when each partner understands the others needs more deeply. Why a person needs this relationship choice is more important then when to spank. I have always advised that while a couple is beginning to learn, spanking should be something to talk about, experiment with and possibly have some fun with too if it fits their dynamic. 
In no way should a couple wait to talk about spanking, but letting that area become overly serious and the center of the relationship usually never works well, and the momentary spark that some spanking might provide, never lasts long term.

Through many years of talking to HoHs & TiHs and helping them begin, I have found that TiHs have wanted to feel loved, cared for and protected along with learning about their new DD lifestyle. That has not changed. They do not want or need to feel "put down" "less then" or forced to submit to arbitrary rules. The HoH is the Dominant partner and final decision maker, but without the support & mutual agreement of their TiH there is not a consensual DD relationship dynamic. Communication needs to be, and remain, a two way street. It is extremely important to start out slowly and stay focused on the consensual and agreed upon aspects of a your new relationship dynamic or the submissive TiH partner won't feel guided and lead as much as forced.

I've lived this lifestyle choice my entire adult life so I try to be direct, to the point, and tell it like it is...  I hope this is helpful.  :)
Your friend,

The first Community Sit Down Discussion includes Comments &/or participation in The DD Chat Room. There will be specific Community Sit Down Discussions all weekend, and general discussions continuing and mixed in throughout the week. Check the Rules/Info/Password Page for more information.

Today's Community Sit Down Discussion Topic centers around HoHs:
Here are some ideas for questions to answer, or share your thoughts on the HoH within a Domestic Discipline Lifestyle relationship.
1)* What are ways a new HoH can begin to ensure a consensual and completely agreed upon DD dynamic, while also learning their new Dominant style leadership skills?
2)* Why should the initial few "rules" on the HoH Rules List be worked on slowly and begin with the TiHs aspirations and needs?
3)* What one or two initial HoH Rules, do you feel are most helpful for a new HoH?

Continue to a post about the new chat room here: The DD Community Chat Room



  1. This all sounds like excellent advice, but what advice would you give to a single woman who despite not being owned/in a relationship still needs and craves the control a DD relationship provides? It is not an easy subject to broach with someone new, and I am even contemplating an arrangement whereby I receive regulay discipline from a man I am not in a relationship with (I haven't said yes yet) - do you think this is a good temporary solution or should I just wait and hope to meet 'the one'?
    Hope it's ok to ask here, I'm really not sure who I should talk to or ask about this. x

    1. This comment/question is answered in The DD Research series.

  2. Anonymous3/19/2013

    I am a new Hoh, only 6 months but I will try and answer from what I know so far.
    I started by thinking first about spanking and being dominant. I thought that is what she wanted. It meant more to my wife when I thought more about the relationship first. It wasnt until I started the discussions twice a week that I found that out. In our life it was the talking part that meant more in the beginning.
    If I was to be able to go back, the first thing I would do after she brought up dd to me would be to begin by having mandatory meetings twice a week and decide what I felt was the best way to lead from those meetings. That way I would have understood what she needed not just what I thought she wanted.
    I also should have set time aside to read more and we have found everything here very helpful. And as a new HOh I have found several things written here that look like they are speaking right to me as a new HOH.
    Thats my opinion. Jon

  3. Anonymous5/09/2013

    Hi my husband and I had a very rocky marriage and then I found DD, and it changed our marriage in such a positive way. It was a great 2 years of peace... Until I found out he was having a internet affair with a old friend before we started the DD...I left him. That was 5 months ago, I told my entire family they all now hate him. Now we are talking again he has never stopped trying to get me back...I miss him, he wants to start maintenance again saying it will help us, he said it will bring the trust back do you think this will help? I think its too late my family does not like him anymore, but in my heart I miss my HOH and our life but maybe I just miss having a HOH?


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